As soon as Apple announced the iPhone 5S's TouchID security system uses biometric data, we knew this inevitable truth: people would experiment with every appendage but their fingers to see if the iPhone's sensor would still work. Guess what? Someone finally used their penis.
Yes, the sickos have been out in full force ever since the iPhone launched on Friday, experimenting with all kinds of body parts to see if the iPhone's biometric sensors would still work with the most embarrassing body parts imaginable. Let's recap the stunning successes mixing intimacy and iPhones:
Japanese tech site Rocket News found these brilliant scientists experimenting with their toes. (Mashable was the first to share the videos on this side of the globe.) Shockingly, your toes can unlock your iPhone too.
Kidding! That's not shocking at all.
The same geniuses who used their toes also experimented with nipples. You can hear them giggling like 13-year-old boys who just found their first porno while they carry out their groundbreaking work:
People are so weird.
What happens if you're handcuffed in a dark room because Russian spies kidnapped you and spent the last two hours interrogating you for top secret information that you didn't give them, and now they've left you in a room with your locked phone? You can't use your hands to unlock it, mind you, so they thought you had no way to call the police. Were they wrong?
Silly Russian spies.
The Cat's Paw
What does the Internet love more than being gross? Cats! So of course someone would see whether a cat could use the TouchID tech, too. TechCrunch's Darrell Etherington commandeered a cat and proved conclusively that felines were not exempt from the iPhone's shiny new tech:
So go forth, intrepid cat owners, and buy your furry friends new phones. Now what about dogs...
The Dog's Paw
One intrepid YouTuber is already a step ahead of us, actually.
There's equality within the pet world when it comes to iPhones.
Yesterday the competition to get weirder and weirder with your iPhone came to a stirring crescendo when one tech writer used his dongle. Betabeat's Jessica Roy said this lucky man "landed in our Top Schmuck awards," among the dozens of other idiots out there. Digital Trends' Andrew Couts describes how his, hm, dangly bits felt against his phone:
Lastly, I went with the most secure body part I could think of – and all I will say is that I had to take off my pants. Unlike the knuckle and elbow, however, registering my nether region was a breeze. (It was quite chilly, in fact.) And not only did I successfully register this private part with relative ease, I was also able to use it to unlock the device. I think you can understand why there isn’t a video of this one.
I honestly can't believe no one has used their butt yet. It's a mystery! But we're guessing probably, that would work, too.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to firstname.lastname@example.org.