Translating SXSW Tweets for the Left Behind

Did you guys now that the uber-amazing South by Southwest festival (aka SXSW, aka "South by" [if you're a monster]) is happening, like, right now in Austin? For those confused by their Twitter feeds right now, we'll try to translate.

Did you guys now that the uber-amazing South by Southwest festival (aka SXSW, aka "South by" [if you're a monster]) is happening, like, right now in Austin? As we speak, it is happening! If you did not know that, then you are clearly not following the same people on Twitter as we are. Because that's allll anyone can talk about in our feed. If you're just newly aware of SXSW and are now reading Twitter and thinking that everyone's having a great, interesting time, well, you should know: Everyone's speaking in code. They're saying one thing but they really mean another. Let's break it down.

They Say: "Psyched for the [Vague Internet Topic] panel featuring @FriendOrCoworker'sName."
They Mean: "Going to go watch people I know from my hometown talk to other people I know from my hometown about some vague kind of thing so we can all say we did something down here."

They Say: "Worst part of #SXSW? Standing out in the sun/rain."
They Mean: "I just waited in a line for three hours so I could tweet about the weather."

They Say: "Ugh, crowd at the @SomeCoolInternetProperty party is crazy/random. Thank god for beer."
They Mean: "While I don't really want you to know that I'm standing alone at this party getting drunk and fiddling on my phone, I really want you to know that I'm at this party at all, so I'm tweeting."

They Say: "[Brief, wacky anecdote]" followed by "Only at #SXSW" or something similar.
They Mean: "This is my first time here but I want it to seem like I'm an old pro."

They Say: "Awesome chat with @MarginallyWellKnownToACertainNichePerson about [Random Who Cares Internet/Music/Film Topic]. Now getting burritos. Luv you Austin."
They Mean: "BOOM IN YOUR FACE I MET @MarginallyWellKnownPerson!!!!!! Also, I would never come to Austin at any time that isn't #SXSW."

The Say: "[Quote from @RespectedPerson's keynote speech]"
They Mean: "I want you to think I'm smart and interested in things but really I'm so bored that I'm tweeting rather than listening."

They Say: "Help I'm trapped in a Porta-Potty and just want to go home."
They Mean: "I really am trapped in a Porta-Potty and just want to go home, seriously get me the hell out of this nightmare." OR "I took too many drugs at the Skrillex show, I'll be fine, don't worry."

They Say: "A hobo is my WiFi hotspot."
They Mean: Sigh. They mean "A hobo is my WiFi hotspot."