Matthew Petersen, a lawyer and member of the Federal Election Commission, recently struggled to answer basic questions about trial procedure (for example, “What is a motion in limine?”) at a hearing on his nomination to serve as a U.S. district judge. The resulting viral video is heartrending; watching it calls to mind Oscar Wilde’s perhaps apocryphal remark about a famous scene in Charles Dickens’s The Old Curiosity Shop: “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.”
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But Petersen’s ordeal is hardly his fault: Judicial nominations today seem to depend more on ideological reliability than what might once have been called “legal skills.” Thus, a potential nominee must concentrate on amassing political and ideological credentials, and expecting him or her to have legal knowledge or experience also is hardly fair. There are, after all, only 24 hours in a day.
The true blame for Petersen’s agony, then, lies with his White House handlers, who did not brief him on the kinds of questions he could expect from senators. Moved like Wilde to pity at the sight of this unfortunate orphan’s sufferings, I hereby suggest that future nominees study the following glossary, which will equip them to answer most questions they are likely to be asked. It’s also useful for impressing people at parties.
Motion in limine: shaken, then poured, with a twist. See also motion in olivine
Writ: a judicial order on paper. See also spoke
Hearsay: See theresay
Lawsuit: court clothing
Class action: a custom-tailored lawsuit
Diversity jurisdiction: a challenge to affirmative action
Injunction: at the crossroads
Judicial review: the number of “likes” on a judicial Twitter feed
Affidavit: Solomon and later Hebrew kings
Federal Rules of Civil Procedure and Federal Rules of Evidence: the stuff clerks read
Pullman abstention: when a judge doesn’t take the sleeper car in order to save money
Younger abstention: when the clerks also don’t take the sleeper
Colorado River abstention: when the judge also won’t take a raft trip
Chevron deference: the proper treatment of an active-duty non-commissioned officer
Auer deference: when a judge pretends to listen for up to 60 minutes
Recusal: a brief judicial nap after an Auer deference
Sidebar: the liquor stash near the courtroom
Erie doctrine: the principle that testimony by ghosts is inadmissible
Batson hearing: a proceeding to determine sanity. See generally belfry
In camera: photographic evidence
In rem: evidence from dreams
Bench trial: the act of shopping for a new judge chair
Res judicata: a clerks’ marathon
Estoppel: the finish of res judicata
Marbury v. Madison: the first NCAA national football championship