Mike Theiler / Reuters

I am Ted. Ted I am. I read this in protest of the health-care plan.

Do you like that coiffed Trump man? Is he your Republican?

Would you like him in the House? Would you like him insulting your spouse? Would you vote for a “narcissist”? Even if you’re “Lucifer in the flesh”?

Would you run against this man, after Indiana voters gave you the sandbag?

I will not run against that man. I will not “save” Republicans.

I do not like that coiffed Trump man. But I won’t be your Republican.

* * *

I am Dana. Dana I am. I plan to eat my own newspaper column.

Do you like that coiffed Trump man? Though you’re not Republican?  

I do not like that coiffed Trump man. I called a chef and made my plan. I eat my own news print, I will eat it with hoisin. I will eat it as a steak, I will eat it as a bake. I still don’t like that coiffed Trump man. But I guess he’s our Republican.

* * *

I am Charlie. Charlie I am. I’m about to have digestive problems.

Do you like that coiffed Trump man? Nominated as a Republican? Would you like him with some sauce? Are you still predicting his loss?

I do not like that coiffed Trump man. I thought better of Republicans. I do not like him with some crow, I do not like him on his show.

I do not like that coiffed Trump man, destined to run Republican.

* * *

I am Erick. Erick I am. I’m a Red State Republican.

Do you like that coiffed Trump man? If he’s the Republican?

I do not like that coiffed Trump man! He is not my Republican! I do not like his stance on guns. I do not like his welfare shrugs. I do not like him pro-abortion, I don’t even like “Two Corinthians.”

I will not vote for that Trump man. I will not, damn Republicans.

* * *

I am Chris. Chris I am. I’m haunted by that coiffed Trump man.

Do you like that coiffed Trump man? Is he your Republican?

I’m now with Trump, okay, you ken? Bruce, I’m sorry, Trump’s my man.

* * *

I am Reince. Reince I am. I represent Republicans.

I guess I like that coiffed Trump man. I guess he’s our Republican. I would support him if he shot a man. I would support his economic plan.

After all, it’s only four years. We can always whisper “triad” in his ear.

I guess I like that coiffed Trump man.

Thank you, thank you, Americans.

We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to letters@theatlantic.com.