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In honor of March, the bracket-iest month of the year, The Wire decided to go all out and create a tournament for everything. Every weekday for the rest of the month, we're presenting a different tournament to determine the very best (or worst) thing in a given field. And we're doing it the way that God intended: Bracket showdowns.
Bracket Madness. A new bracket, every weekday of March.
We picked the field, but you vote for the winner. Fill out our interactive bracket, round-by-round, to determine the people's champion, then read through our choices to find out who we think is the best of the best. Each day is a new champion!
How are you supposed to sit in your office and care about important things — Ukraine, Obamacare, what movies are good, your job — when one of your most basic needs is not being met: the need to not be freezing? The need to be comfortable in your own skin, not in a self-esteem way, but in the oh-my-god-these-goodbumps-feel-like-razor-blades-growing-out-of-my-skin way. And that is why The Wire will settle, once and for all, what the best temperature of all time is. You can print out this bracket and tape it on your office fridge.
The contenders
68° F: The favored temperature of wool-wearing jerks who insist upon dressing like British people even though this is America and sometimes it gets above 60° outside. Think of the carbon that has been dumped into the atmosphere because men are so vain they wear suits.
73° F: The ultimate mainstream temperature. The Gap of air temperatures. The Applebees of air temperatures.
82° F: When a warm breeze is actually warm.
Absolute Zero: The coldest it gets. As it approaches 0° Kelvin, water begins to act like waves. Way cool.
200 million° Celsius: The temperature of star contained by a donut of magnets that researchers hope to build in France.
30° Kelvin: The temperature at which some metals become superconducting.
100° F: Some research indicates people murder each other less when it gets this hot outside.
100° Celsius: Water boils, which allows you to make delicious pasta dishes like these ones from Martha Stewart™!
32° F: If you are a child in a warm place, this is the temperature you root for in hopes of a rare snow day.
88° F: Perfect beach temperature. Hot enough that you have motivation to get in the water, not so hot that you bake too quickly.
90° F: Excellent sunbathing temperature. Total, complete warmness.
98.6° F: How warm you are, right now. Hopefully. Maybe you should check.
100.1° F: The temperature at which you have enough of a fever to be able to stay home from school, but not enough of a fever where you will become brain damaged.
140° F: The temperature at which bacteria start to die so that you can eat chicken and not vomit.
2,900° Celsius: The temperature at which Chernobyl would have reached meltdown.
10 million° Celsius: The temperature of the Sun which, while too hot for most outdoor activities, makes life on Earth possible when kept at a safe distance.
Your vote: 73°
The Wire's vote
Sweet 16
Absolute zero vs. 100° C: Absolute zero is far more interesting. Winner: Absolute zero
10 million° C vs. 100.1° F: Sure, calling in sick is great. But we need the sun to live every day. Winner: 10 million° C
200 million° C vs 100° F: A star on the earth's surface is far more valuable than a slightly decreased murder rate. Winner: 200 million° C
2900° C vs. 140° F: Think how many bacteria would have been killed in Chernobyl. Winner: 2900° C
98.6° F vs. 82° F: 82° the the perfect temperature for wearing shorts. Winner: 82°
88° F vs. 68° F: 68° is the temperature of torture if you're sitting still in an office all day. Winner: 88° F
32° F vs. 90° F: Snow is beautiful, at least the first time it happens before six months of winter hell. Winner: 32°
73° vs. 30° K: 73° is always a crowd pleaser. Winner: 73°
Elite 8
Absolute zero vs. 10 million: This is essentially the critical struggle of the universe. Can the heat of stars triumph over the coldest temperature science believes to be possible? Ha ha, no. Winner: Absolute zero
200 million vs. 2900°: There are some people who worry that the man-made star will result in some sort of catastrophe. That would be scary and horrible. For nuclear reactors, though, that's old hat. Winner: 2900°
82° vs. 88°: 88 is too warm, really. Winner: 82°
32° vs. 73°: We here at The Wire are pessimists, and also residents of New York City on a very cold day. So we see 32 degrees not as the beginning of freezing but the beginning of melting. And we hate Applebee's. Winner: 32°
Final Four
Absolute zero vs. 2900°: Here's where 2900's Cinderella run of destruction comes to an end. Had Chernobyl been chilled to absolute zero, no meltdown would have occurred. Think about it. Winner: Absolute zero
82° vs. 32°: We are happy it will soon be 32° again, hopefully, but we're not idiots. 82 degrees is unquestionably better. Winner: 82°
The Championship
82° vs. Absolute zero: OK, Absolute zero is pretty cool, because of science. But it's not actually possible to reach it. Therefore, 82° triumphs for realness. Winner: 82°
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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