Clearly the best thing to have been produced in the United States this year is Really Big Coloring Books's new Ted Cruz-focused coloring book, which will teach your kids all sorts of unexpected things about modern politics.
This is the thing that your kids will spend hours looking at as the coloring book lies on the floor or sits on a nearby bookshelf, so it's worth breaking down the message. Here, Ted Cruz does a hip, double-point at a plant growing out of the ground. It is a "tea plant," its trunk helpfully notes, growing out of "roots" deep underground. (Into the grass above those roots, someone has carved the word "grass" but the roots aren't for the grass, so that metaphor doesn't really work.)
Branching off of the tea plant are two things: the Constitution and the Ten Commandments, each of which was created by the Tea Party, apparently. And those branches have sprouted leaves. "Freedom," "diversity," "lower taxes," and "inclusion" grow from the Constitution; "free enterprise" and "gun rights" stem from the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not kill, but thou shalt defend thy home against interlopers using any force necessary, and also thou shalt run a business.
But that's just the beginning. The coloring book's manufacturer explains how this important tome came to be.
The Cruz to the Future™ book is a non-partisan, fact-driven view of how Texas Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz became a U.S. senator and details, through his quotes and public information his ideas for what he believes will help America grow. Cruz has openly identifies with the Tea Party and garners support from the Republican Liberty Caucus and many independents including democrats.
(Why do independents include "democrats"?)
Let's look at one of these non-partisan, fact-driven pages, shall we?
You can read it above, but let's pull out this particular bit of fact-telling.
He gave the impassioned speech because of his beliefs, and he stood up for the American people like no other political figure has done in decades. Truth-be-known, a lot of the career establishment politicians are far too out of shape, old or overweight to even perform such a magnificent feat, God bless them all.
Emphasis added. The Cruz-Christie primary is well underway. The next line (not shown) talks about Cruz's "clairvoyant vision" in saying that Obamacare was going to be bad.
There are other sample pages, one showing the Ten Commandments, another showing Ted Cruz staring into the distance, a shotgun on his shoulder. And the page at left, asking kids to "hold Ted Cruz to account" on issues like lower taxes, which kids worry about.
Anyway, this is a thing you can buy for your kids if you want. It costs $5, less if you buy in bulk. (9,999 of them will only set you back $24,897.) And don't worry if you're tempted to get one for yourself: the cover pledges that the comic book is "For All Ages" and, obviously, it's for those of any political persuasion.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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