The White House's NSA Logic Applied to Everything Else

National Journal wrote these responses from Jay Carney so you don't have to.

National Journal

After Angela Merkel called President Obama with concerns the U.S. had spied on her mobile phone, the White House gave a curious response.

"I can tell you that the president assured the chancellor that the United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the chancellor," said White House press secretary Jay Carney.

He did not, however, address the possibility that the NSA had previously intercepted the German chancellor's communications as part of a broader eavesdropping sweep.

Below are a few other suggested responses for the White House and anyone else who'd like to dodge a question. We've got one for every occasion.

Nixon post-Watergate: "I am not a crook. Nor in the future will I be a crook "¦ "

Nixon during Vietnam: "We are not bombing Laos. Nor will we in the future ... "

Clinton post-Lewinsky: "I am not having sexual relations with that woman. Nor will I in the future ... "

Woody Allen, just generally: "I am not at this moment sleeping with your wife. Nor will I in the future ... "

Fired White House Staffer: "I am not tweeting from the NSC. Nor will I in the future "¦ "

JFK after Bay of Pigs: "We are not invading Cuba. Nor will we in the future ... "

Daniel Day Lewis post-milkshake: "I am not drinking your milkshake. Nor in the future will I drink your milkshake "¦ "

CIA: "We are not torturing Gitmo detainees. Nor will we in the future ... "

FDR: "We are not illegally detaining Japanese Americans. Nor will we in the future ... "

Witch: "I'm not a witch, I'm not! They dressed me up like this ... "

USA: "We are not selling arms to Iran to secretly give money to revolutionary Contras in Nicaragua. Nor will we in the future ... "

IRS: "The IRS is not unfairly targeting conservative groups. Nor will we in the future ... "

Hitler: "I am not invading Poland now. Nor will I in the future ... "

Matt Vasilogambros, Patrick C. Reis, and Matthew Cooper contributed jokes and inspiration