Here's the deal: I really like to text photographs of my genitals to women I meet on the Internet. A lot. We all know this. The way you crave sex sometimes? Sometimes I crave cybersex. I am not particularly proud of this fetish. In fact, having it revealed to the public has been the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, and to my wife, which is the part I regret most. I love her so much, and I wish for her sake that I didn't feel this compulsion to contact strangers on the Internet, send them naked pictures of myself, and engage in cybersex.
But I do. And it is powerful.
Some people can't stop smoking cigarettes. Others can't stop drinking too much, or eating to the point of obesity, or yelling at their families, or visiting prostitutes, or snorting cocaine. Are these addictions?
Failures of character?
I don't know.
But cybersex is what I just couldn't stop doing. I'd like to tell you it won't happen again. But honestly, it could. I'll successfully fight the urge if I can. Struggle to do it. But in the past, I've been unable to resist logging onto my computer, contacting a woman anonymously on the Internet, and trading naked pictures, possibly of my penis. Why? I don't really understand it myself.
Afterward, I felt better, but also guilty. It really sucks. If I'm being honest, I wish I just could've gotten away with it, without anyone ever finding out. Do you even understand why you care so much, now that you know?
It's unusual, I admit, though not that unusual. Have you ever logged onto Chat Roulette? Yeesh. Gross. So many penises. And judging from the hit counts on certain web sites when my scandal broke, a lot of you didn't mind going out of your way to look at my tweet. Hey, I'm in no position to judge.
I desperately wish that I had totally conventional turn-ons. What do average Americans do online for sexual gratification? Girls Gone Wild clips? Definitely more normal. But still sorta creepy when you think about it, am I right? So was that whole Bill Clinton-with-the-intern incident.
But wasn't he a good president? I thought so.
I still think I'd be a good mayor, but only if you know going in that I might have an illicit cyber-conversations during my term ... and you still elect me. I won't be any more of an egocentric exhibitionist than the average big-city mayor, that's for sure. In fact, I'll get all those impulses out of my system on my own time. On the other hand, if this is a dealbreaker for you, I understand.
Either way, after this statement, I'm done apologizing or explaining -- this is part of who I am, unfortunately for me.
If you think this reflects badly on my character, maybe you're right. I like to think that I am generally an honest person -- that my desperate lying indicated my extreme aversion to embarrassing myself and my wife on a truly epic scale, not a tendency to lie about normal things in the course of daily life. If your darkest sexual secrets and preferences were on the cusp of being revealed, mortifying your wife and destroying your career, wouldn't you lie to protect them? Would that lying be a good proxy for your general truthfulness? Or maybe that's just a story I tell myself so that I don't have to think of myself as a bad person. You're a better judge than me.