President Obama's Second Inaugural, as Heard by Conspiracy Theorists and Haters

No matter what he says, this is what some people will think he said. 

Jim Young/Reuters

We gather here today not just to celebrate the machinery of our Republic and reaffirm the continuing story of our country, but to celebrate me. We are here because we have chosen fear over hope. Conflict and discord over unity of purpose. Division and class warfare over reconciliation and quiet consent. Perhaps it's appropriate that today is Martin Luther King Day. In observance of this grand day, I took care to make sure that I was sworn in on Malcolm X's Koran just moments ago.

First, I just want to take a moment to thank all of the foreign campaign donors, the Saudi princes, and the hundreds of thousands of Acorn employees and Occupy Wall Street volunteers it took to commit the widespread voter fraud that won me this second term. And to the majority who voted against me and were able to produce ID: I may not have won your vote last year, but with malice toward most and government-funded charity for all, I will be your president, too.

When I stood before you to take this oath four years ago, I did so in a time of great economic stress at home and deadly perils abroad. Thanks to my administration's socialist domestic policies and a strategy of timid appeasement abroad, we have turned the corner, and our nation is once again poised for our next great catastrophe. My communist tutors could have never imagined that I would preside over a country with the Dow sitting at 13,000 and corporate profits at an all-time high: perfect camouflage for the economic crisis I will use to enact the unconstitutional takeover that will lead to my inevitable third term. A third term where I will put my limitless ambition and presidential legacy aside, and bring about the total destruction of America.

Though this is contrary to my intentions and actions, America appears to be astride the world once again. We have successfully blocked Palestinian statehood, despite our true Muslim sympathies. Our newly gay armies have left the country of Iraq. We have successfully faked the death of Osama Bin Laden. Iran is about to obtain the bomb we will use against Israel. The CIA, which trained me so well for my current mission, has helped to prop up Muslim extremist governments in Yemen, Libya, Egypt, and -- soon -- Syria. With these objectives met and with 100 million Muslims destined for entry into the U.S., we will finally be one step closer to establishing Sharia Law within our burgeoning Caliphate. And, Inshallah, with the assistance of One World Government U.N. troops and your ambivalence, we will finally take our next Great Leap Forward. While the liberation theology that governs my life runs in contrast to what I was taught at madrassa, I will not let it stop me from traveling around the world on 200-million-dollar trips to apologize for the country. And though I will continue to expand the United States' empire into the South Pacific to counter China, I will not forget my anti-colonialist roots.


Though we will no doubt be able to lower the price of gas through our holy brothers at OPEC, with the help of the global climate change hoax we will still push for clean energy. And once my armed civilian police force has confiscated every gun and every American is tagged, tracked, and located, we will institute a new Cash for Clunkers program. Every car made before 2008 will be seized and replaced, free of charge, with a Union-made Chevy Volt. After this is accomplished, we will need a fleet of Solyndra-built domestic Predator drones to patrol the skies. Anyone who drives over the nationally mandated 45 mile per hour speed limit will be fired upon and eliminated. We will let the nation know that we will build any debt, pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, tax any carbon, and properly inflate any tire. There is no bald eagle that we will not sacrifice upon the propellers of our wind turbines.


Our renewed commitment to clean energy must of course be tempered by our relentless need for fossil fuels. That's the reason I will give when I authorize the Keystone pipeline. Not just because it will create jobs, but it will provide important cover for that Canada to Mexico superhighway we've been trying to build.

With our nation secure and our energy clean we can then begin the work of forcible gay marriage. We will let no heterosexual relationship stand in the way of our much more fabulous future. No child who survives their forced abortion will be left un-indoctrinated by their local teachers union. All citizens will be raised as secular atheists. College will be provided gratis for these children. Of course, all of this investment in and control of each person will be closely monitored by our death panels. The question we have continually asked ourselves is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works hard enough to truly control the lives of its citizens, enslave its young to hedonism and legalized marijuana, force its elderly into a comfortable subjugation, and create, from cradle to grave, dependency on government.

Some may ask, "Why invest so much time and money into each citizen's life just to place them at the mercy of death panels?" And the answer to that is this -- as evidenced by the sinister realities that exist within the minds of its citizens, Americans are just too dangerous to be left to their own devices. So, America, I say to you: Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you.

Although my administration has deported more illegal immigrants than any other in history, we must do more to make America a more inclusive state. That is why after granting amnesty, Obama phones, and driver's licenses to every undocumented immigrant that is already here, my administration will open up the borders without conditions. Every new entry will be registered and forced to vote by the New Black Panther Party. And I urge them to report to their new local government Gift Depot to claim their free gifts. In addition, Puerto Rico must be admitted immediately as the 58th state. Though demographic shifts make this electorally unnecessary, we must do all that we can to make this country less white.

America is a beautiful country where anything is possible. And when I say "anything," I mean anything -- no matter how insane or contradictory -- can be real, if only in your mind. These realities can only take hold within the vacuum of your brave, irrational dreams. In your dreams, there is no Churchill bust we won't deport. No monthly jobs report we will not manipulate. No poll number that is not worth skewing. No conservative blogger too irrelevant to murder. No Cabinet official too important or ambitious to silence in order to hide The Truth about Benghazi. There is no national tragedy or crisis we won't stage to exploit.

Only in this America can flag pins can be melted down and used for fuel in the rebuilt UFOs that crashed in Roswell. In this America, all will be forbidden from placing their hands over their hearts during the Pledge of Allegiance to the government that staged the coup against John F. Kennedy. Only in this America could we take the time and commit the effort to fake the moon landing. In this America, Bill Ayers will ghostwrite the official Agenda 21 manifesto. Only in this America could the inept Bush administration, like FDR's before them with Pearl Harbor, execute a false flag terrorist attack in broad daylight and live on TV, and convince the world that it was committed by Muslim fundamentalists who would later install their own president.

In this America it is not just the duty of every citizen to vote and volunteer, but to actively believe in whatever they want as an expression of the freedom their country has bestowed upon them. A country where, for me, foreign birth is no impediment to joining the CIA, teleporting to Mars, becoming a gay, socialist, Muslim empowered by a cabal of Jewish media-controlling capitalists to institute a techno-aged internationalist, atheistic hellscape of wealth redistribution. In this America all of that and more is possible, however unlikely. But I can't do this alone, America. I can only do this if you believe.

Thank you.

God damn you. And may God damn the United States of America