No matter what he says, this is what some people will think he said.
We gather here today not just to celebrate the machinery of our Republic and reaffirm the continuing story of our country, but to celebrate me. We are here because we have chosen fear over hope. Conflict and discord over unity of purpose. Division and class warfare over reconciliation and quiet consent. Perhaps it's appropriate that today is Martin Luther King Day. In observance of this grand day, I took care to make sure that I was sworn in on Malcolm X's Koran just moments ago.
First, I just want to take a moment to thank all of the foreign campaign donors, the Saudi princes, and the hundreds of thousands of Acorn employees and Occupy Wall Street volunteers it took to commit the widespread voter fraud that won me this second term. And to the majority who voted against me and were able to produce ID: I may not have won your vote last year, but with malice toward most and government-funded charity for all, I will be your president, too.
When I stood before you to take this oath four years ago, I did so in a time of great economic stress at home and deadly perils abroad. Thanks to my administration's socialist domestic policies and a strategy of timid appeasement abroad, we have turned the corner, and our nation is once again poised for our next great catastrophe. My communist tutors could have never imagined that I would preside over a country with the Dow sitting at 13,000 and corporate profits at an all-time high: perfect camouflage for the economic crisis I will use to enact the unconstitutional takeover that will lead to my inevitable third term. A third term where I will put my limitless ambition and presidential legacy aside, and bring about the total destruction of America.