Election Predictions Are Passé. Let's Talk Post-Election Predictions

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Let's face it: The 2012 election is so passe. It may be less than 24 hours away but the media has moved on to bigger and better things: Like what's going to happen after the presidential election? Sure, that may be difficult to predict given we don't know who will be leading the country the next four years, but let's not get bogged down by minor details. Behold: Here's what's in store for America after Nov. 6, according to the media's tarot card-reading professionals.

The stock market will surge

Doesn't matter who wins, says USA Today's Adam Shell, the Dow is about to explode. "No matter who wins the White House on Nov. 6, history says a late-year stock rally is likely as uncertainty fades and investors get a better sense of what policies will impact businesses and economic growth," Shell writes. Just ask Paul Hickey, co-founder of Bespoke Investment Group. "We would expect … the market to rally following Election Day as some of the uncertainty from the market is lifted and the poor third-quarter earnings are digested," he says. Alright then.

Partisan gridlock will calcify

Don't bother counting the ballots folks! It's not going to change the gridlock in Congress. "Can either President Obama or Mitt Romney break the partisan logjam in Congress?" writes The Los Angeles Times' omniscient columnist Doyle McManus. "Probably not." This guy's got the next four years all played out in his head. "Neither President Obama nor Mitt Romney appears likely to win the kind of landslide victory that provides a mandate for big change. And whoever wins the presidency is almost certain to face at least two years of divided government in Congress: a Republican House, a Democratic Senate."

Mass liberal rioting in the streets

This country may have a 236-year streak of peaceful transitions of power, but if Romney wins, liberals simply won't be able to tolerate it, says InfoWars' conspiracy-minded Michael Snyder. "For many Democrats, Barack Obama is a 'once in a generation' icon," writes Snyder, using images of trash burning in the streets. "Just the thought of Mitt Romney replacing Obama in the White House is enough to push many of them to the brink of insanity ... How much worse could the rioting potentially be if this bitterly contested election is decided by a very narrow margin – especially if there are allegations that the election is 'stolen'?" He proceeds to post ominous messages from apparent liberals on Twitter:

“If Romney wins I’m Starting a Riot….Who’s WIT ME???”

“I Hope The USA Is Well Aware That If In The Event This Character Romney Wins The Election, The People Will Start A Country Wide Riot! #Power”

“If Romney is elected president, its gon be a riot its gon be a riot.”

“If ROMNEY GETS IN THE WHITE HOUSE …U MIGHT AS WELL KILL ME NOW …..CAUSE ITS GONNA BE A ************ RIOT !!!”

Keep in mind, the last time InfoWars wrote an alarmist story based on the imminent dissolution of civic order, it was to predict widespread looting in the wake of Hurricane Sandy based on the Twitter postings by some frat boys and bored teenagers far removed from the storm. This latest evidence seems to meet the same sad credibility test.

Republicans will deny the polling results

Let's face it: Obama is going to win and Republicans will never accept the election as legitimate, writes The New Republic's Alec MacGillis. Who needs to wait and see how the right will react to Obama's inevitable win? Alec MacGillis will just tell you what they'll say in five easy steps. 1) The election was stolen 2) The press covered-up Obama's Benghazi scandal 3) Hurricane Sandy saved Obama and Chris Christie betrayed Mitt Romney 4) Obama won dirty by attacking Bain Capital 5) Romney was a joke candidate who never had a chance. There you have it: Five future news cycles in one concise column. 

Climate change will continue unabated

This summer, The Guardian's Bill McKibben said it would take a major weather catastrophe "a giant hurricane swamps Manhattan, a megadrought wipes out Midwest agriculture" to push the needle on climate change. The drought came this past summer. And, well, now that a giant hurricane has done the latter, he doesn't have hope for change regardless of who wins the presidency. "I wish I hadn't written it because now that my bluff's been called, I'm doubting that even Sandy, the largest storm ever, will be enough to make our political class serious about climate change."

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.