Beyond Sarah Palin 2016... McCain/Palin 2028!

This article is from the archive of our partner .

The only way to save the battered and directionless Republican Party is to have Sarah Palin run for president in 2016, according to the Los Angeles Times' Charlotte Allen, who swears she's not joking. Mitt Romney got fewer votes than John McCain did four years ago, Allen writes, and he faltered because he was too focused on serious economic issues. A lot of voters don't care about serious issues. "What they — a group sometimes euphemistically called 'uninformed voters' — do know and care about are the tugs on their emotions, fears, revulsions and heart strings provided by hours and hours of uninterrupted television watching," Allen writes. What these unserious voters need is an unserious candidate, she says. We agree, and we're one-upping her: What America needs is a ticket even more "Ellen-ready," to use Allen's term: Meghan McCain and Bristol Palin.

Sarah Palin is too rooted in boring issues like energy independence, anti-corruption causes, and Middle East policy. The country needs two candidates who have spent their entire adult lives emoting for the camera. McCain has made a career out of writing articles like "Don't Call Me a Slut," "Stop the Fat Jokes," "Quit Talking About My Weight, Laura Ingraham," "Shut Up About My Body, Glenn Beck," "Yes, I Wear Fake Hair," and "America's Boob Police"—topics millions of Americans can relate to, or will at least click on. Likewise, Bristol Palin has dealt with issues that hit home with lots of voters, like having to go through teen pregnancy with the entire planet watching, or having a sister who says rude things because the camera's rolling. No other life experience could so perfectly prepare a candidate for the preening and zingers of presidential primary debates.

Don't settle for the rerun, America—hold out for the remake. McCain/Palin 2028.

(Sarcastic people are responsible for the contents of this message.)

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.