Tucker Carlson, We Have Got a Video for You

Mr. Carlson, we hear you're in the market for some Obama videos. Well, it just so happens we've got a hot, election-shifting video on our hands that you might be interested in.

In light of The New York Times report today that Tucker Carlson may have paid someone named "Sore Throwt" for the listless, five-year-old video he already reported on, a, um, video peddler reached out to us to see if there'd be interest in another clip of equally scandal-worthy value. We obliged.*

Dear Tuck,

We're only reaching out to you because our pal Sore told us you might be interested. He's a good guy and his videos are 100-percent authentic. But back to us, or me, or whatever, let's just say this video I have is the sort of thing that could change the election.

To give you a hint, it's about small businesses. Yes, we have actual video of Obama telling business owners that they didn't build businesses on their own. It's hot, and it will change the race. I promise. Here's a taste of it.

Like I said, that's just a taste. We're willing to sell the whole thing to you for the low, relatively cheap price of $25,000. Sure, some people will tell you that you've seen it before, but trust us, I can easily get you the unedited version that the Daily Caller would be really interested in.

Sincerely,

[Redacted]

*This post is of course completely false, unless someone has $25,000 to burn.