Rush Limbaugh and others on the right have uncovered a shadowy alliance of evil-doers with wildly disparate evil interests has formed to advance a single evil goal: reelect President Obama. Members of the evil super group hail from Pakistan, the Tropic of Cancer, Washington, D.C, Hollywood, and Twitter, each with a special talent for boosting Obama or crippling the Republican Party. Meet the Committee to Reelect the President, a secret society only recently uncovered by Rush Limbaugh and the Drudge Report, and how they do their dastardly deeds.
Plot uncovered by: Rush Limbaugh. "What if Ayman al-Zawahiri and other Al Qaeda leaders gave up Osama bin Laden for the express purpose of making Obama look good?" Limbaugh asked his listeners Wednesday. "Giving Obama stature, political capital? 'Obama got Osama!' I mean, really."
Motivation: "What do the militant Islamists want more than anything in the world? Israel gone is right," Limbaugh said. "Do you think that militant Islamists will be as hopeful of getting rid of Israel with a Republican president or with a Democrat president? I'm just throwing it out there."
Obama-boosting plot: "Do you think Al-Qaeda depends on Osama Bin Laden anymore, or did? What was he doing there? ... Al-Qaeda was not depending on Osama Bin Laden for operational leadership. His day had come and gone. So he's expendable. He was near death anyway from diabetes or something. He needed dialysis. So they give him up; they give up his location. We go in and SEAL Team 6 gets him. Obama puffs up. 'I killed Osama! I did it! I killed him!' He gets instant credibility and gives himself some political capital."
Success: Bin Laden is dead. Joe Biden uses that as half his campaign slogan.
Plot uncovered by: The Drudge Report, which reported on the Federal Reserve's third round of quantitative easing with the headline, "ELECTION MANIPULATION: NEW PUMPING BEGINS!!"
Motivation: Unknown. The Fed's official motivation for QE3 is lowering the unemployment rate. Bernanke was appointed by a Republican president. Perhaps he's been deep undercover for years, even decades? Romney has said he would fire Bernanke. Maybe he wants to keep his job?
Obama-boosting plot: The Fed announced it will buy $40 billion per month without a deadline Thursday. Stocks will surge, and the Obama economy will look healthier than it actually is.
Success: As Drudge put it, "STOCKS ROCK..." after the announcement.
Obama Plotter: The Media.
Plot uncovered by: The full extent was explained in the most detail by an unnamed top adviser to Mitt Romney, as reported by The National Review's Rich Lowry. "Sometimes I think there’s a conscious effort between the media and Chicago to get Republicans depressed," the aide said Monday. But many have speculated about it. NBC News' Chuck Todd is often singled out, as he was on RedState and Legal Insurrection Thursday for allegedly talking about what he was going to ask at a press conference with other reporters.
Motivation: If Obama is elected, the government will play a larger role in the economy, so Washington will be more important, so Washington publications can command higher ad rates. "I hope our friends realize that all these media analysts out there are Democrats WHO WANT US TO LOSE. And the more Washington DC controls our economy, the more important inside-the-beltway publications are and the more money they make. The 202 area code is dominated by people who will make more money if Obama is reelected, so it’s not just an ideological thumb they’re putting on the scale for him, it’s a business interest," the adviser told The National Review.
Obama-boosting plot: Report on polls by a Democratic pollster to make Romney look weaker than he actually is. "PPP has these polls that just put chum in the water for the media," the aide said.
Success: The plot has not yet been fully executed. But it must have advanced, as BuzzFeed's McKay Coppins reports "Romney's Team Turns on the Press."
Obama Plotter: The National Hurricane Center
Plot uncovered by: Rush Limbaugh, who noticed the forecasting service showed Hurricane Isaac barreling towards Tampa long enough for Republicans to cancel the first day of the Republican National Convention, only to change the forecast to show the storm heading toward New Orleans on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.
Romney-sinking plot: "What I spent the first hour trying to tell you was how it was being reported in a way that resulted in the Republicans canceling their convention today when it's nowhere near there," Limbaugh said August 27. "And that there were model runs Saturday night that showed Tampa was not gonna be hit at all, massive shift of models that was not reflected by the hurricane center for 12 hours. That's all I'm saying. And now we got the media jazzed like I haven't seen 'em in a while because now Hurricane Isaac is casting a pall. How dare the Republicans even do a convention with a hurricane bearing down on the Gulf coast. How do they even do that? How do they have a convention where they celebrate anything when people's property is being destroyed? So the effort is on with the media here to try to pressure the Republicans to cancel the whole thing, is what I think is happening. The latest track, see it right there, right at New Orleans. And I'm telling you, the models have now shifted a little bit to the left of it, not reflected in the official track."
Success: Mixed. Isaac was a bust. The first day of the RNC was cancelled, but Democrats only had a three-day convention, too. Isaac did not force the entire convention to shutter.
Obama Plotter: Tom Hardy, Christian Bale, Warner Bros., Christopher Nolan, everyone who worked on The Dark Knight Rises, and probably all of Hollywood.
Plot uncovered by: Rush Limbaugh (again), who noticed that the name of the bad guy in The Dark Knight Rises movie is named Bane, which sounds just like Bain, as in Bain Capital, as in the company Mitt Romney founded, which is often prominently featured in Democrats' attack ads. Limbaugh did not think it was a coincidence. "Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane?"
Motivation: We're talking Hollywood liberals, come on.
Romney-sinking plot: "This movie, the audience is gonna be huge," Limbaugh said July 17. "A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it's a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they're gonna hear Bane in the movie and they're gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'"
Success: Modest. Limbaugh referred to a Washington Examiner post suggesting Bane sounded like an Occupy Wall Street protester, and Batman is Bruce Wayne, who is rich, just like Romney.
There are two possible endings for this edge-of-your-seat action thriller. Either the nefarious joint forces of fundamentalist Islam and activist monetary policy topple the nation's first business guru superhero, or Bainman is able to stop the Committee to Reelect the President in their job-killing tracks, soaring to the White House atop his trusty sidekick, a giant, beautiful bald eagle named Equity.