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Now that Clint Eastwood has been confirmed as tonight's surprise speaker at the Republican National Convention, here's what we think he might say, based entirely on his tough guy movie roles.

He'll probably start off by acknowledging and thanking the speaker who preceded him, but he'll be brutally honest about what he thought of the introduction. Then he'll take us back to 2008, when voters were flocking like so many sheep to Obama's "hope" of bringing about "change." At this point, whoever is directing the news feed will start acting like Sergio Leone and order the cameraman to zoom in for a dramatic close-up of Clintwood's stark visage. 

Then Eastwood will start unpacking Obama's supposed achievements like healthcare reform, financial regulation, the bin Laden mission and show how every accomplishment was, in reality, a failure in disguise. "Am I being paranoid or is he busting my balls?" he'll ask rhetorically, to be met with a din of wild applause. Eastwood will look out over the enthusiastic crowd—now in the palm of his oratorial hand—and nod in satisfaction.


For whatever reason, Eastwood will start attacking John Kerry and his wife's ketchup fortune, which is a little out of the blue, but go with it. When he looks back on the telepromter, he'll see a message alerting him that he has a bit of cilantro stuck in his teeth. He'll casually extract it with a fingernail and spit out the offending green wad, but he'll make it look totally awesome. 

Guns might be a hot button issue these days, but Eastwood won't be able to resist making gun-fingers when citing all the liberal policies Romney will shoot down once he takes office.

He'll ask, "Can we really stand another four years under an Obama presidency?" Eastwood will be so disgusted by the suggestion that he'll have to pause and contemplate the horror. 

Then he'll cut out the attacks and start praising the man who will lead our country toward a bright, shining future. He'll say some really inspiring things about Romney's vision for America and by the end of Clint's speech, the crowd will be going nuts. And since we're just speculating wildly here, we're going to guess that Clint ends things by jumping on a train set on top of tracks leading straight into the White House, and knock the whole thing down in a totally badass Republican Trojan Horse-type scenario.

Yeah, that'll make their day.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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