Newt Gingrich just announced he's going to be teaching classes on policy at the Republican National Convention in Tampa at the end of the month and they're calling it "Newt U." We thought of four other classes former real-life college professor Newt could add to the fall's curriculum.
Prop Comedy 101 Newt's been known to use props to get his points across, from a dollar bill to an Etch-A-Sketch to the Power Rangers to a comically oversized axe. He's got over a decade worth of experience! He could bring in Carrot Top to guest lecture. Please, Newt, teach us the finer points of using comically oversized axes.
Field Study: Dealing with Wild Animals It's no secret that Newt's a man of nature, so who better to lead you on a nature walk though the wilderness than the former presidential hopeful? He's handled lizards and snakes and tigers and lions before, oh my! He's handled bears and boa constrictors. There's nothing in the wild he hasn't met before. He's even tamed a Snooki.
Civil Planning 362: Moon Colonies Moon colonization is a new frontier for humans, and we have to make sure we don't get carried away. It's like when you first open a new game in Sim City. You have a huge sandbox to play with, don't screw it up. Things can get confusing and hectic when you get that much freedom. Someone has to make sure the place doesn't fall apart before we can set up a proper space metropolis.
Advanced Studies in Perfect Hair It doesn't get mentioned enough, but Newt's hair is always perfect. His hair game is on point. It is always perfectly parted. It's a silver that pops, but is still somehow understated. It rarely moves. Callista is the one with the reputation for taking too long to get ready in the morning, to the point of causing scheduling conflicts, but Newt must put in some serious work in front of the mirror. It's the only explanation. Newt's hair is what Donald Trump's onion-inspired do' wants to be.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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