Ten suggestions inspired by real-life politicos
As of Monday, comedian Stephen Colbert's Super PAC, Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, had raised more than $1 million dollars, according to a statement it released to the media. "Yeah! How you like me now, F.E.C? I'm rolling seven digits deep!" Colbert is said to have said. "I got 99 problems but a non-connected independent-expenditure only committee ain't one!" Meanwhile, Colbert has ceased running for president, and in the video above, he takes control of the Super PAC back from his Comedy Central colleague Jon Stewart, who ran it for a few weeks.
So what should he do with the money? Forgive me for mixing my comedians, but I've got 10 suggestions.
10) 1,000 hours with Ashley Dupre.
9) A major ad buy in Super Tuesday states challenging Newt Gingrich to a series of 7 Lincoln-Douglas debates, the last to be held at Ford's Theatre.
8) Build robot Mitt Romney that is unnervingly less robot-like than the real deal and name it Uncanny Mitt. Then build 99 more.
7) Buy flight suit, charter fighter jet, and rent some time aboard the deck of an aircraft carrier, celebrating "Mission Accomplished" for your super PAC even as you rapidly spend it into bankruptcy.
6) Hire a historian to consult for your super PAC, if you can raise another $600,000 to afford one.
5) Give Ron Paul some gold coins so he can finally afford to pay the tailor in Galt's Gulch.
4) Become client of Goldman Sachs, use resulting access to ask that someone there remind President Obama about the Bill of Rights.
3) Finance friendly poker game with Mitt Romney.
2) Put space mirror into orbit, then use GPS technology to reflect sunlight on Rod Blagojevich at all times once he leaves prison.
1) Ronald Reagan + cryogenics machine = convention brokered by you.