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Atlantic Unbound Sidebar

(7/28/95 - 8/11/95)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

What would happen if show business went to the dogs? Maybe some of you think it already has. But let's consider the practical consequences. If canines ran show business...

Then the actor who co-starred with Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber" would be known as... (drum roll inserted here)...

Jeff Spaniels!

Yes, and if dogs ran show business, then the Paul Newman movie about a chain-gang prisoner would be called... (drum roll louder this time)...

"Cool Hound Luke"!

(Before you start booing and throwing fruit, just be glad we didn't say "Cool Hound Saluki"!)

And if dogs ran show business, friends, then the film fantasy starring Michael J. Fox would be called... that's right... that's right...

"Bark to the Future."

Now wait! Put down those tomatoes! Instead of splattering us, get your revenge by telling us what *you* think would happen if dogs ran show business. (Would Tinseltown, we wonder, be called "Hollywoof"?)

To make your Cox-and-Rathvon-slaying pun, use the name or breed of a dog, or *any* term relating to canines. You can doggify the name of a movie or TV show, actor or actress, or whatever you can think of--so long as it's related to show business.

Okay, you wags? We'll award prizes of 5 free AOL hours to the authors of the three dogshowbiz puns that make us laugh hardest, no matter how f-arf-etched the humor may be! (We're prepared for some pretty *sic* jokes!)

--EC and HR


(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

Well, folks, we begged for it, and you came after us like a rabid pack of Doberman Punsters. There were so many pounds of doggified mail spilling from our e-box that we couldn't trot across the room without barking our shins on it!

Contestants CmptrMaint and CarrKeys were the first to suggest that this entire enterprise should have been conducted in France and called "The Canine Film Festival" (or as SuzMuz suggested, "The Canned Film Festival"). CmptrMaint, SuzMuz, and the prolific RKPress further noted that the festival bred lots of Dog-u-dramas and Dog-u-mentaries; and Cove 22 added that the movies should have Dogby Sound.

Votes for best picture, actress, and actor were so bow-wowntiful that the complete honor roll would extend for dozens of screens! We hope those who littered our office with nominations will forgive us, but for the sake of everyone's sanity we must curtail our final list. However, very honorable mention goes to BroTre, who sent us a long tale of "King Arfer and the Knights of the Hound Table." We'll let you guess the gist of that shaggy story from BroTre's terminal punch line: "You Can't Send a Knight Out on a Dog Like This."

Our three contest winners are those who simply made our tails wag the fastest. Congratulations to StefSpad, Rickwins, and KZB! Each of these winners will receive 5 free AOL hours plus a book of his or her choice from the Atlantic's online bookstore. And now, sic 'em!

***The Winners***

Another Arnold Schwarzenegger story:

In the most famous scene from "After the Thin T-Man II," the Terminator opens fire on that adorable scene-stealing terrier, with the comment: "Asta la vista, baby!"


Some literary adaptations:

from a book by Alice Walkie: "The Collar Purple" (with Whippet Goldberg)

from a book by James M. Canine: "The Postman Always Screams Twice" (with Burt Anklecaster)

and two by Bernard Malamute: "The Fixed" and "The Neutral"


A Dog's life in Hollywood:

I went to a party in Bel-AIREDALE with a friend. He said that Kim BASENJI might be there and we should wait out front so he could POINTER out. When she showed up I noticed she had a GREAT PYRENEES that made me want to PINSCHER. I walked up to introduce myself but she just tossed me AKITA her car and went inside. I tried to explain that I wasn't the valet but her rather HUSKY boyfriend who wasn't a very nice SKYE had a case of beer and actually dropped the KEESHOND my foot. I went inside and noticed Kim wouldn't SETTER drink down. It seems her boyfriend drinks too much WEIMARANER he starts gargling it and when he'd FINNISH SPITZ! I tried to return her key but any time I approached she acted like I was trying to HARRIER. I decided to just WHIPPET into the yard and let her ROTTWEILER boyfriend tried to find it. Finally I decided to go home and wait a few days and just SCHIPPERKE through the mail.


***And Other Howlers***

From the moment Alpo Cino stepped on stage as Sam Spayed 'til his final bow -- wow! My interest was peked. I said to the Lassie next to me, "I'd Fala him anywhere. He's doggone sharpei in his hound's tooth suit and Hush Puppies."

"Could I asta question?" she muttered. "Don't you think it's just puppy love?"

I wanted to terrier eyes out, but she was right. "Have a Hartz," I cried. "Before we flea, you must admit he's best of show!"

And thereby hangs a tail. (Gwen525)

I hope you'll devote a little space in your report to Edward D. Woof, Jr., whose tail was the subject of a 1994 film by "Beaglejuice" director Rin Tim Tim Burton. Woof is best known, of course, for "Plan K-9 From Outer Space" (1959), but his other cinematic boners include "Bride of the Mongrel" (1955) and a lurid study of transvestitism that many consider his most personal film, the immortally arful "Lad or Lassie?" (1953). (VCRogers)

We go back to 1939, when the nation was enraptured with Rhett and Scarlett, lovers whose romance bloomed even as the good citizens of Atlanta tried to rebuild their city after the ravages wrought by Gen. William Tecumseh Shar-Pei and his dogs of war. I can envision the marquee on the old Ravioli Theater now:



(I thought about casting Louise Lasser-Apso in a silent role--she's been sitting up and begging for parts lately). (CharlieZeb)

There was a special on TV last night with Pinscher Zuckerman and The Borzoi Ballet performing the works of Poochini with background vocals by Shirley Basset and the Pointer Sisters. (G8ly)

If that teenage baby-faced physician from sitcom fame gave it all up and became a veterinarian, he would be called...

Doogie Schnauzer M.D. (AnneLP)

Doggie Howser, M.D. (RKPress, StuartZ875, Alamarr)

Doggie Bowser, M.D. (C130Puke, Arglbargl)

The rights to Dachshund Hammett's new novel, "The Thin Mange," were sold to Hollywood today. Already set to play the lead is William Bowwowell. Bandied about to play the plum role of Asta have been Rex Harrison, King Vidor and of course, "The Duke"! (Ravensegg)

"Little Puppy Fauntlerover"

from the novel by Frances Dogson Burnett

Starring Freddie Barktholomew & Guy Kibble

Also Starring Lickme Rooney

Directed by John Heelwell


THE DAILY BEAGLE: "Two dew-claws up!"

NEWSPEAK: "A real leg-lifter!"



8:00 Fido's "Mad About You"

8:30 Rescue K9(11)

9:00 On The Mat (remake of In The House)

9:30 Man's Best "Friends"

10:00 Married...with Puppies (Gardenia)

Gotta mad dog? Don't take the law into your own paws... take it to Judge Woofner and the Poodle's Court (Plowgirl)

Q: This Howllywood actor has vowed "I'll be Bark!" Who is he?

A: Arnold Schnauzernegger! (Blufsh; also Zonkerette)

***Nominations for Best Picture***

Pup Fiction (BECCAS123, SuzMuz, SSAPhD, C130Puke, RevMJK)

Pup Arf-lick-tion by Quentin Terriertino (Mhonigs)

Setterday Night Fever (RevMJK)

Whelp! (with Dingo Starr and the Beagles) (G8ly; also RickWins, RevMJK, Rivertoad)

In Golden Pound (two aged retrievers find love) (Rickwins; also JTyrr)

Nine Mutts (or Canine Months) (Inadcon, TheKid1955)

The Hound of Music (KZB, Allen G5, Mztlplx, SNorwalk, SSAPhD)

Two Years Before the Mastiff (KZB, KEurich)

Searching for Dobie Pinscher (Rickwins)

Barkfest at Tiffany's (SuzMuz)

Raiders of the Lost Bark (PokeyDott, SNorwalk, MadMom2, SSAPhD)

Raiders of the Lost Arf (AllenG5)

Twin Pekes (SuzMuz, SSAPhD, OakCal)

Legal Beagles (HugeFreak, CarrKeys, SSAPhD)

Citizen Canine (AntWS, KZB, AGuffaw, SSAPhD, Zonkerette)

Beaglejuice (JTyrr, C130Puke, RKPress, Zonkerette)

The Collar Purple (RevMJK, SNorwalk)

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hydrant (RevMJK)

A Streetcur Named Desire (Alt. title: In the Heat of the Night) (RevMJK)

Scooperman (strange being from another species...) (RevMJK)

The Maltese Falsetto (featuring Sam Spayed) (G8ly)

Barking Away (CarrKeys)

War of the Noses (CarrKeys)

Phido-delphia (CarrKeys)

Yankee Poodle Dandy (CarrKeys, ShedPot)

Three Days of the Komondor (with Robark Redfur) (Mztlplx)

The Wizard of Kuvasz (Mztlplx)

Something Whippet this way comes (Mztlplx)

Fetch, starring Chevy Chase (VCRogers, SSAPhD)

Fetch 22 (SuzMuz, KEurich)

Chihuahuas in the Mist (VCRogers)

Iams A Fugitive From A Chain Gang (MoonMagic1)

Mighty Dog Young (starring Ellen Barkin, Joe Cocker, Priscilla Pointer, Corgi Nemec, and Barbara Boxer, with a special appearance by the Borzoi Ballet) (MoonMagic1)

To Cur, With Love (introducing the new hit single, "Yappiness Is Just A Thing Called Joe" and starring Cybill Shepherd, Alpo Cino, and Jim Barkus) (MoonMagic1)

The Hound For Red October (MoonMagic1)

The Hunt for Red Dog Rover (SuzMuz)

Mutty Morphin Power Rangers (EASW)

A Lamppost Called Desire (AGuffaw)

Borzoi's Complaint (KZB)

D.W. Griffon's Birth of Dalmation (KZB, Zonkerette)

Silky-wood (KZB)

Her Howlibi (Did she or didn't she? Only her groomer knows for sure!) (MadMom2)

A Pomeranian in the Cupboard (Dreamer427)

Corgi & Bess (or Basset) (Mztlplx, KZB, Mokaplpi, SSAPhD)

Sergeant Yorkie (SSAPhD)

Ben Cur (SSAPhD, KEUrich)

Scent of a Weimaraner (SeestorLiz)

Hello, Collie (SSAPhD)

Mutts (with Barbra Streisand) (SSAPhD)

The Song of St. Bernardette (SSAPhD)

Fast Times at Ridgeback High (SSAPhD, Zonkerette)

Zabrieski Pointer (SSAPhD)

The Trouble with Harriers (SSAPhD)

Apocalypse Chow (AntWS)

The Bark at the Top of the Stairs (KEurich)

Irma LaPooch (KEurich)

A Retriever Rrrr-uns Through It starring Brad *Sit!* (Dreamer427)

Pride of the Yorkies (story of famed baseball fetcher, Blue Gehrig) (RudyKazoo)

Three Hounds and a Puppy (LauretteA)

Valley of the Dogs (RKPress)

A Leash of Their Own (SuzMuz)

The Collar of Money (SNorwalk)

Furry Girl (SNorwalk)

Rottweiler You Were Sleeping (Mhonigs)

The Bitches of Muttison Houndty (Mhonigs)

The Beagle Has Landed (AllenG5, KEurich, OakCal)

Bone Free (JTyrr)

My Left Paw (starring Daniel Spay-Lewis) (JTyrr)

Paws (just when you thought it was safe to go back in your yard...) (JTyrr; also SSAPhD)

The Last Pinscher Show (JTyrr)

Collie of the Wild (JTyrr)

Lassie's Tango in Paris (JTyrr)

The Dirty Dachsund (JTyrr)

Lhasa Apso Hero (starring Arnold Schnauzernegger) (JTyrr)

Jurassic Bark (RKPress)

Star Fetch (RKPress, StatStatn) (...with Chien-Loup Picard?) (Arglbargl)

***Nominations for Best Actress***

Sandra Bulldog in "The Vet" (or "The Pet") (PiddyPipe, Mztlplx, RKPress, CCline8459, Gardenia, TommyPain, MoonMagic1, EASW)

Terrier Garr (LyleNSandy, PiddyPipe)

Lhasa Minelli (Mokaplpi, Mztlplx)

Kim Basenji (KZB)

Elkhound Sommers (KZB)

Melanie Griffon (KZB)

Debra Springer (KZB)

Joan Collie (KZB)

Collie Hunter (Zonkerette)

Jacqueline Basset (SSAPhD)

Natalie Woof (RKPress)

Rosanna ArfQuette (RKPress)

Rae Dawn Chow (RKPress)

Jessica Mange (RKPRess)

Puli Andrews (Mztlplx)

ZaSu Spitz in Poochini's "Madame Butterfly" (PopiCox)

***Nominations for Best Actor***

James Earl Bones (JTyrr, RK Press, KEurich)

Tommy Lee Bones (KZB)

Ke-ainu Reeves (Mokaplpi)

Chien Canne-ery (Arglbargl)

Alpo Chino (Cheeeapet, JTyrr)

Al Poochino (Lynn585)

Paw Newman (Mztlplx)

Pugless Fairbanks (the swashbuckler who lost his little dog) (Mztlplx)

Bark Hamill (who played Saluki Skyewalker) (Mztlplx)

Michael Canine (KZB)

Gary Scooper (KZB)

McCollie Culkin in "Bone Alone" (MHonigs; also KEurich)

Ben Kingsleash (RKPress)

Brad Pitt-Bull (RKPRess)

James Woof (RKPress)

Bruce Flea (RKPress)

Spaniel Day Lewis (MoonMagic1, Mztlplx)

George C. Scottie in "Cat on a Hot (Rin Tin) Tin Woof" (Glemward; also RKPress)

***Miscellaneous Canine Inanity***

Writers such as:

Harold Pointer (CmptrMaint)

HG Wails (CmptrMaint)

Fyodor Dogstoyevsky (CmptrMaint), who wrote "The Brothers Karamastiff "(Zonkerette)

Directors such as:

Spike Leash (CmptrMaint)

Oliver Bone (CmptrMaint)

Cecil B. De Mutt (CmptrMaint)

Steven Spanielberg (CATLETTERS)

Singers such as:

Belton John (Mokaplpi)

Bruce Springer (StatStatn)

David Bowwowie (StatStatn)

Songs such as:

Stompin' at the Samoyed (Mztlplx)

I'm getting Setter-mental About You (Mztlplx)

Make Rot weiler Sun's Shining (Mztlplx)

The Beagles' Yelp, Eleanor Dogby, Penny Dane, Sgt. Setter's Lonely Hartz Club Band, and Yellow St. Bernard (Mztlplx)

Basenj-in the Clowns (Mhonigs)

Good Collie, Miss Molly (Mhonigs)

Otis Redding's "Setter on the Dachshund to Bay" (Mhonigs)

TV shows such as:

Waggin' Train (CarrKeys)

The Rex-Files (SSAPhD)

The soap opera called "One Leg to Lift" (GRLSCTLDR, StatStatn)

Bernard Malamute's play "Most Happy Fala" (Glemward)

Leave it to Retriever (with Jerry Mathers and Tony Bow-wow) (Mztlplx; also Mokaplpi)

Milkbone Place (LauretteA)

Murder She Woofed (with Jessica Fetcher) (LutherSmit)

And Lassie but not leash (Mztlplx), this parting thought:

Julia Child's motto would be "Bone Apetit." (Stat Statn)

Copyright © 1995 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.