u_topn picture

Atlantic Unbound Sidebar


This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

The 1996 Olympics has filled our heads (we have several of them) with sporting thoughts. But even before the big noise started in Atlanta, we received the suggestion for this game from Karen Ariz (Sam and Karen Bush), whose AOL account is hereby fortified with 5 free AOL hours courtesy of The Atlantic Monthly.

The idea here is to open a new sports franchise in a small town or city not already harboring a big-league team. We want you to give this city's team a punningly appropriate name, and add a cheer, motto, mascot, or any other comment you think worthy.

For example, Karen Ariz began by establishing a team in Punxsutawney. Naturally they're called the Phils, and they overshadow their competition.

Now there's a new sports franchise in Maine. Surely you've heard of Augusta Wind? They really blow their opponents away. But they may meet their match when they travel to Germany and encounter the Bonn Fire.

We also have the Altoona Fish (a very well-schooled group), the Provo Loners (don't call them cheesy), the Liverpool Sharks (they do their cheers on cue), the Wichita Linemen (a high-strung football squad), the Golden Retrievers (they're doggone good), and even the Cairo Practors (yes, they're back).

If you want to join the international fray, send your city-and-team combination to CoxRathvon by e-mail. Senders of the three funniest entries (in our inscrutable, irrefutable opinion) will each receive 5 free AOL hours and a free book from the Atlantic. Multiple entries are welcome, but for our convenience pack your entries into one piece of e-mail whenever possible, and please don't use attached files.

We will continue accepting entries to Teamwork through Friday, August 9. Results and winners will be posted at the Atlantic on Friday, August 16.

Now go, team, go!

--EC and HR

Teamwork Results

(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

"If you're bored in Montana's capital, you can always go to Helena Handbaskets lacrosse." So wrote contestant CharlieZeb, and he was joined by half a dozen sports-loving punmasters with like-warped minds.

CharlieZeb was also one of many wiseacres to suggest the Rockford Files as a new team, though he was the only one to comment that this team would "garner lots of interest." Of the many contestants to suggest the Denver Omelets, only GiarcF added the observation that the team was "broke and beaten, but still scrambling." Correspondent SSchri6565 led the pack of supporters for the Lincoln Logs by saying that "attendance is low because they're still in the rebuilding stage." Both StefSpad and Glitz61601 noted that the Mobile Homes "will play nothing but away games." (Glitz61601 added that a Concord team would, whatever its name, be defeated every time.) And the jokes came thick and fast about the macabre quality of various Erie teams: the Spooks, the Feelings, the Specters, the Apparitions, and the Premonitions.

Here is a list of some other teams suggested by many different pun-crazed entrants:

Accra Bats

Bend Overs

Bombay Doors

Bristol Stomp

Brussels Sprouts

Budapest Control

Capistrano Swallows

Chattanooga Choo-Choos

Dublin Overs

Duluth Teeth

Flint Stones

Havana (or Savannah) Whites

Ipswich Blades

Juneau Whos

Kalamazoo Keepers

Lincoln Continentals

London Bridges

London Broil

Londonderry Airs (or Heirs)

Macon Bacon (or Whoopee)

Moab Same

Orange Crush

Paris Sights

Reston Laurels

Rome Answers (or Antics)

Seoul Mates

In a sports-crazy country like the USA, it's not surprising we received such a prolific array of entries. We've had to trim the field down to our very favorites here. And of these favorites, our three champeens (now taking the victory stand with Stan Laurel wreaths) are PJordan 321, Stigger4, and djwixted@facstaff.wisc.edu. Congratulations, champs! And thanks to all our laugh-inducing contestants!

***The Winners***

Cannes Deux: They're seriously understaffed, but at least they have a positive attitude. (PJordan321)

Lhasa Luck: "Winning is all in your mind." (Stigger4)

Paris Troikas: Baseball team currently trying to move from the East Division to the West. Home Field: Gorby Park. Scouting report: Players having a bit of trouble hitting from the right side after batting left for so many years. (djwixted@facstaff.wisc.edu)

***And Our Other Top Favorites***

Biloxi Morons: They excel at futility. (SSchri6565)

Derry Queens: Recent success has made them soft. (SSchri6565)

Andover Fists: They always turn a profit. (Glitz61601)

La Crosse Dressers: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. (Glitz61601)

Perth Snatchers: Always heavily penalized! (Hunny3)

Mason Jars: Berry berry enthusiastic but often in a jam. (Hunny3)

Boone Docks: Came out of nowhere! (Hunny3)

Plummer Tools: Took a plunge last season. (Hunny3)

Bath Tubs: Run rings around their opponents. (Hunny3)

Alma Maters: Very well endowed. (Hunny3)

Belton Shots: Often drunk on victory. (Hunny3)

Cobb Salads: They despise artificial greens. (Hunny3)

The Paris Souls: Just a shade above the rest. (MedicMac)

Topeka Boos: Now you see 'em, now you don't. (Erich W R)

Carmel Apples: They have the core of a good team. (Erich W R)

Catskill Mice: They win all the squeakers. (Erich W R)

Albemarle Burros: They pack in the fans. (Erich W R)

Day (FL) Knights: How about a doubleheader? (Erich W R)

Okahumka (FL) Dumpties: They had a great fall. (Erich W R)

Brainerd Surgeons: They know how to operate. (Erich W R)

Edina Mites: Explosive offense. (Erich W R)

Fargo Furballs: Staff gives up the long ball. (Erich W R)

The Manila Folders: Great in early innings, but end up losers. (Pun Bud)

The Milan Aires: Feature high-priced stars. (Pun Bud)

The Dublin Odds: Always favorites to win. (Pun Bud)

The Moscow Milkers: Even if they are at the tail end they have a firm grip on things. (Pun Bud)

The Fargo Travelers: Refuse to play local teams. (Pun Bud)

Santa Ana Reindeer: A jolly lot, it promises to be a perennial seasonal favorite of the younger set. Cheers: "On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner, On Blitzen!" (MJTeague)

Summit (NJ) Conferees: Not too good a track record, but fans are always optimistic. (Booksie2)

Liberal (KS) Activists: Noted for having slogans, not names, on their jerseys. (Booksie2)

Ham (Chad) Actors: Most successful in conveying displeasure with officials' decisions (Booksie2)

Wiley (CO) Coyotes: The ACME of teams. (Booksie2)

Pharr (TX) Rightists: Never win because stealing bases is against family value code. (Booksie2)

Bath (ME) Sponges: The team that generally cleans up. (Booksie2)

Split (Croatia) Decisions: Rarely win, seldom lose, usually tie. (Booksie2)

Hurricane (UT) Warnings: First team: Abe, Ben, Cal, Dave, Ed, Frank, George, Hal, Ian, John, Ken. (Booksie2)

Toulouse Low-Trekkers: An artful track team; already hoping to move, however, because they really hate Toulouse. (emarul@net1plus.com)

Ogden Gnashers: Their line-men are a bit ragged on their feet, but extremely versatile. (emarul@net1plus.com)

The Ogden Gnashers: "Shake, shake, the catcher --throttle! None'll score but we--a lot'll!" (Ravensegg)

The DC Regulators: The Regulators switch hitters are currently alternating. (Ravensegg)

The Windsor Castles: We only have a chess team. So what? (Ravensegg)

The Madison Dollies: We never flag. (Ravensegg)

The Reno Gambolers: "We run, we frolic, we're very bucolic! We're big into debt--And we'll win. Wanna bet?" (Ravensegg)

The Chesapeake Voyeurs: "Ches' a look, Ches' a leer, Ches' a peek--Go Voyeur!" (Ravensegg)

The Mecca Roni: Figure it out--use your noodle! (Xyz17)

Prague Nosticators: They're predicted to do well. (Cumming134)

It was a real melee when the Eureka Havocs met the Lillehammer Tongs. (RDH9995)

The Tegucigalpan Ghosts (shades of Red Grange) found themselves in hot water against the Managua Calientes. (RDH9995)

The Accra Phobics (Who's afraid?) were completely outclassed by the Haifa Lootins (To die for). (RDH9995)

The Fuji Kootchies (Babes in the Woods) found it child's play against the Kuching Koos (Oh, Baby). (RDH9995)

The Hickory Nutz couldn't crack the defense of the Mecca Damiens. (RDH9995)

The game between LaCholla's Aunts and the Harper's Ferry Godmothers was a real drag. (RDH9995)

The league being built around the Terre Haute Cuisine (We'll eat their lunch) consists of the Lahore D'oeuvres (nibbling at the championship), the Vienna Sausages (Get stuffed!), the Tblisi Tblinis (Cheese, what a team!) and of course the St. Moritz Crackers (Alpine Rednecks). (RDH9995)

The Reston Relaxations: Have been accused of taking it easy on their opponents. (Doustoi)

The Champaign Toasters: Watch out--they can get hot in a hurry. But their base running suffers, since they all too often have the bases loaded. Team motto (after a losing season) "Wait 'til the New Year!" (Doustoi)

Pierre Cardins: The best-dressed team in the NBA (LatteLady7)

Oregon Donors (it's actually Oregon City, but it sounds better this way): They put their hearts into the game! (LatteLady7)

Akron Nyms: Acros Keeps Repeating Our Name. Now You Make Sense! (LatteLady7)

Death Valley Daze: The desert heat has fried their brains, they don't stand a chance. (LatteLady7)

Shanghai Five: A very enthusiastic basketball team. (Klamwall)

The Rio McCoys: Brazil's only professional team. (Klamwall)

Kenya Diggits vs. the Juneau What-I-Means for the Valley Girl title match. (Klamwall)

Addis Ababa Honeymoons: Is their mascot a monkey or a chimp? (Klamwall)

Dakar Alarms: They play all night. (Klamwall)

Aswan Songs: Always threatening to retire. (Klamwall)

We were working on an all-Italy league, which we abandoned after the Arezzo Developments. (Klamwall)

Sparks Plugs: Fabulous Nevada team known for their incendiary baccy-spitting prowess. (Ottomic)

Carlsbad Hares: A poorly-barbered Jungian team. (Ottomic)

Buffalo Scores: Participants in nudist colony's annual golf tournament. (Ottomic)

Russell Cattle: A team living off the dole. (Ottomic)

Dubois Scouts will play the Merritt Badgers at the jamboree. (ShedPot)

Marblehead Hunters: Pursue their quarry savagely. (ShedPot)

Trappe Doors: Always squeak through the season's opening game. (ShedPot)

Ocracoke Koalas: Sewed a game up with a pop fly. (ShedPot)

Bird-in-Hand Outs: They specialize in fly balls. (ShedPot)

From the Euroleague:

The Marseilles Yays are their own cheering squad, but they're going to have some trouble with the Berne Hearts, who are known for their dramatic plays. The Chartres Fuses are aways looking for a fight. Remember, they replaced the Chartres Naps last season. They'll be taking on the Guys in Gray, a.k.a. the Seville Servants. The winner of that game will play the Avon Laddies, they throw like girls. My favorite to win the whole lasagna? The Pisa Pies--they know how to deliver. (StefSpad)

Vienna Sausage: The best scrappers in the league. (ArialBendR)

Tokyo Yos: They keep bouncing back. (ArialBendR)

Mecca Nisms: They play like a well-tuned machine. (ArialBendR)

Mississippi is getting in on the act with the Jackson Brownes. They never run on empty. Stay a little bit longer, they wanna play... (MINightOwl)

Hammond Eggs: In this Southern heat, they'd really sizzle! (MINightOwl)

Mutuals of Omaha: Insured to win! (MINightOwl)

Montevideo Clippers: And now for something completely different! (OS2Warper0)

The Cape Cod (liver) Oilers: This team has got the smooth, loose spirit that it takes to keep their stiffest competitors on the run. (EZWriterMJ)

Latrobe Lights: They show up in a flash. (CharlieZeb)

The newest semi-pro football team in South Dakota is the Wall Bangers, with coach (Paul?) Harvey patrolling the sidelines. (CharlieZeb)

The Anaheim-Lichers: They will maneuver their way to the top, and will not choke getting there. (Train Nut)

Delhi Grinders: What a bunch of hams, and that's no baloney; if you have a beef with them, take it up with the big cheese. (Shirl37999)

The Peekskill Prophets: We *know* who's going to win! (Bcc211)

The Tippecanoe Upsetters: We'll rock your boat! (Bcc211)

The Jackson Pollocks: Artistry in action. Come see them and thrill to the catch of the day. (Unhunk)

St. Louis Archers: Bending over backwards to beat the competition. (CGibsonteb)

Venetian Blinders: Shutting out the competition. (CGibsonteb)

Golden Oldies: Record Makers, Record Breakers. (CGibsonteb)

Bisbee Busy Bees: Last night they stung their opponents with their swarming defense in a honey of an upset. While the crowd was humming with excitement over their team's new high flying African and European players, part-owner Buzz Aldrin waxed philosophic: "Victory is sweet." (LeonardJK)

La Brea Dinosaurs: Racing team with a new crew in the pits. (LeonardJK)

L.A. Gridlock: When our defense takes the field, no one moves. (LeonardJK)

Transylvania Fangs: "Out for Blood" (Reluft)

Gettysburg Address: Short but powerful. (Reluft)

Gary Powers: U-2 can be a fan. (Reluft)

Bartlett Pairs: A match for any team. (HSR Persis)

Normal Eyes: This team's strategy is based on formulated data. (HSR Persis)

Flossmoor Teeth: They get between the opposing players and always clean up. They take the drills seriously. (HSR Persis)

Freeport Guzzlers: A team that has bubbly, full-bodied cheerleaders, and a mellow, but slightly nutty coach. ( Noctambule)

Homer Simpsons: An Alaskan deer-hunting team whose motto is: Doe! (JohnJurgo)

Homewood Bound (JohnJurgo)

Lackawanna Bees (JohnJurgo)

Wichita Warlocks: They cast a spell on the crowd. (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

Bangor Bangers: They mash the opposition. (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

Little Rock Boulders: Every victory is a landslide. (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

Grand Forks Spooners: They're in love with the game. (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

The Worcester Roorcesters: Their last season was something to crow about. (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

Salem Boats: A yachting team made up of bankers. When racing, their yacht is always so far out in front (or so far behind) that they have named it Float Alone. (S997)

Marseilles A's: They're revolting. (Pikmee)

Peking Kongs: Scaling the heights. (GiarcF)

Salina Bull: Unbelievable! (GiarcF)

Bath Towels: We'll wipe the floor up with you (SpkGud)

The Venice Sons: Italy's dear (Palpsi)

Winchester Rifles: They really will blow you away. (PaulAugart)

San Francisco Knights: They dress in white satin. (LadyErmin)

New Hope Nutcrackers: They keep trying squeeze plays. (COCC)

The Nova Lox: They're smokin' (Stuigi)

Flushing Plungers: Ready to flush the competition down the drain (KJJKeane@aol.com)

The Flagstaff Vaulters: They really take risks! (Patti B 10)

The Santa Cruz Lines: They're really going places! (Patti B 10)

Captiva Audience: There's no escape! (SVLew)

Winona Riders: Women's polo team (JohnJurgo)

Orange Peels: Drag-racing team (JohnJurgo)

Saline Shakers: They really pour it on the competition. (LittleFT4)

The Aachen Breakin' Hearts: The Hearts have a 100% win record. They always BEAT. (MiladyJoan)

The Rapid City Transits: They run all over you. (BBachem)

Dubuque Worms: The Well Red Team (Pseudo4)

The ColumBus Drivers: They can really motor. (MIDLYPH)

Palo Alto Sopranos: Hang 'em High! (SKKALAR)

Bullock County Mavericks: "We Won't Steer You Wrong!" (Five J)

The Skull Valley Sawbones axed the Tombstone Gravediggers in a game that could only be called a gruesome slaughter. (Archan2900)

Paducah Earls (Mnussbaum)

Pensacola Wars: Brought to you by the folks at either Coke or Pepsi. (Mnussbaum)

Amsterdam Nation (Mnussbaum)

Tombstone Masons: Its front four is like a brick wall. (Mnussbaum)

Caspar Ghosts: Always the specter of a victory. (Mnussbaum)

Hilo Copters (Mnussbaum)

South Benders: They'll be great once they sober up. (Mnussbaum)

Juanita Bananas: A group of rather slippery characters with split personalities. (PayPete1st)

The Hershey Kisses have a junior squad known as the Jocklettes, coached by Mr. Goodbar of course. (PayPete1st)

Lansing Boils (Mcj626)

Raisin Cains (Mcj626)

Montgomery Wardens (Mcj626)

Peak Performance (Mcj626)

Polk Fun (Mcj626)

Riverside Winders (Mcj626)

Superior Attitudes (Mcj626)

Urbana Sprawls (Mcj626)

Victoria Secrets (Mcj626)

New York Thymes (PeterK1444)

Omaha Meatpackers (SamsBooks)

The Buffalo Wings (RBaynes660)

The Sharon Stones (KSSWheels)

Barre Manilows (ASBEntropy)

Ferron Squares (ASBEntropy)

Flanders Fielders (ASBEntropy)

Billings Coup (ASBEntropy)

Harper's Ferry Godmothers (ASBEntropy)

Hugo Victors (ASBEntropy)

Mt. Blanc Checks (ASBEntropy)

Paradise Snake-Eyes (ASBEntropy)

Paris Plasters (ASBEntropy

Pecos Attention (ASBEntropy)

Rochester Drawers (ASBEntropy)

Santa Fe Rays (ASBEntropy)

Tempe Tantrum (ASBEntropy)

Depew Skunks (Jello Nek)

Moosejaw Breakers (raskew@wolfenet.com)

Selma Soul (raskew@wolfenet.com)

The Walla Walla Carpet (raskew@wolfenet.com)

Tempe Tantrum (raskew@wolfenet.com)

Eugene Onegins (bobburns@worldaccess.com)

The Sharon (CT) Stones' mascot Pet Rock met with the Spokane (WA) Wheels earlier. The Wheels normally ride circles around their opponents but you know those Stones--they will, they will, rock you! (Paulafern)

Ouaouoaua Vowels: Give us an s! Give us a t! Give us a consonant! Please! (hyatt@aimnet.com)

Atlantic City Fighting Clams: They've got a lot of mussel! (Anigma)

Nome Ales: All-woman team in the Alaskan Microbreweries Professional Softball League (whose ground rules state that bad hops are automatic outs). Mascot: "Suds" MacKenzie Phillips. Palindromic headline in local paper notes that owner/actress will pour the beers at concession stand: Sela Ward'll Draw Ales.


Adelaide Reaction: They drop a pass in every game. (PJordan321)

Dayton Time: They always have their season schedule memorized. (PJordan321)

Accra Phobics: So scared of heights, they even refuse to "jump ball." (PJordan321)

Kabul Stones: "Nobody runs over us!" (Stigger4)

Krakow Dawn: "Light up your day." (Stigger4)

Marseilles Marceaus: "You'll be speechless!" (Stigger4)

Shaker Heights Salt 'n' Pepper: Perennial cellar-dwellers. (Stigger4)

Brightwater Lakers: Stats: They've Laked their opponents 22-0-0. Favorite Talkshow host: Richard Bay (Wildcat56)

LaJolla Green Giants: Head and shoulders above the rest. (RDH9995)

Bangalore Torpedos: Always explosive. (RDH9995)

Essen Ells: The deregulators. (RDH9995)

Lisboa Constrictors: Give 'em the squeeze play. (RDH9995)

La Paz Dispensers: Pow! Right in the mouth. (RDH9995)

Geelong Little Dogies: We lead 'em astray. (RDH9995)

Leon Trotskys: The Red Menace. (RDH9995)

Kissimmee Quicks: A sweetheart team. (RDH9995)

And, of course, lest we forget . . .

The team from the town formerly know as Port-au-Prince. (RDH9995)

Copyright © 1995-96 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.