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Atlantic Unbound Sidebar

(5/3/96 - 5/17/96)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

The idea for this contest was suggested by Rickwins, whose America Online account is hereby taken off the shelf, dusted, bronzed, buffed, and filled with 5 free hours courtesy of The Atlantic Monthly.

Rickwins, who manages a movie theater in Montpelier, VT, notes that movies with food in their titles (Babette's Feast, Like Water for Chocolate, etc.) have done very well. He therefore proposes that new movies be made from old ones along culinary lines. Here are some of the tasty pictures scheduled to appear soon in the Dinner Theater now owned by Rickwins:

The Cabernet of Dr. Calamari (a mad scientist drinks only red wine with fish)

Yeast of Eden (a baking family in early California)

The Truffles with Harry (dead body found in fungus patch)

Leavening Las Vegas (depressed writer starts bakery-casino)

Yam a Camera (Sally Bowles leaves Germany, goes to South Carolina)

Liver Runs Through It (a beef-raising family in early Montana)

Senders of the three most delicious entries will each receive 5 free AOL hours (if they are AOL members) and a free book from The Atlantic's store. We will continue accepting entries for Dinner Theater through Friday, May 17. Results will be posted on Friday, May 24.

We look forward hungrily to your entries! (We only hope your films aren't served in Cannes!)

--EC and HR

P.S. If you like cryptic crosswords, visit our "Puzzles and Word Games" folder on the Atlantic's America Online message board (keyword: ATLANTIC) and join the handful of rather crazed clue-writers who are already at play there! Post clues of your own and see if the gang can solve 'em!

DINNER THEATER Contest Results

(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

Welcome to our cinematic kitchen, where every diary is a dairy and every holiday is a Hollandaise. For that matter, every walk is a wok, every cop a carp, and every stone a scone. Culinary madness has run rampant in our movie house, as the list below succulently demonstrates. We begin with pictures submitted (with minor variations) by contestants too numerous to mention. Here is a sampling from our multifarious matinee menu:

Banana Karenina
Basil Instinct
Black Forrest Gump
The Black Scallion
Blazing Salads
The Blintzes of Madison County
Blue Velveeta
Braised Heart
Bread Man Walking
Cannery Roe
Caramel Knowledge
The Carroty Kid
Casaba Blanca
The Cayenne Mutiny
Cereal Mom
Cinnamon Cane
The Codfather
The Collard Purple
The Color of Honey
Cool Hand Cuke
Creamer vs. Creamer
Creature from the Black Legume
Crepe Fear
The Crepes of Wrath
Crumbs Along the Mohawk
Desperately Seeking Sushi
Diet Hard
Diet Hard with a Veggie
Eclair and Present Danger
An Eclair to Remember
El Pollo 13
Ferris Bueller's Bake-Off
Field of Creams
Five Easy Pizzas
Forrest Gumbo
Forrest Rump
Four Breadings and a Tunaroll
Frank 'n' Stein
From Beer to Eternity
The French Confection
The Frying Game
Get Shortening
Gimme Seltzer
Gone with the Wine
To Grill a Mockingbird
The Guns of Navarin
Guys and Dills
Ham Alone
How the West Was Won Ton
Jello, Dolly
Jurassic Pork
The Lambshank Redemption
Last Mango in Paris
Lawrence of Arugula
License to Grill
Leaven Can Wait
Mackerel on 34th Street
A Man for All Seasonings
The Man in the Grey Fennel Suit
Mary Popover
Mr. Hollandaise's Opus
Natural Born Grillers
Operation Gumbo Drop
Orange Pulp Fiction
The Perils of Praline
The Phyllodelphia Story
The Picture of Dorian Grape
Planet of the Grapes
The Prime Rib of Miss Jean Brodie
The Purple Rose of Karo
The Right Stuffing
Rosemary's Bagel
Seafood in Seattle
The Sandwiches of Eastwick
Seven Days in Mayo
The Silence of the Hams/Yams/Lamb Chops
The Sound of Mueslix
Soup Dreams
Star Smores
The Swordfish in the Stone
The Ten Condiments
Tequila Mockingbird
The Toastman (Il Tostino)
Top Gum
True Grits
The Truth About Catsup and Dogs
20,000 Leeks Under the Sea
When Harry Met Salad
The Wild Brunch

Hooray for Hollyfood! And that's just the appetizer! The three most scrumptious entries (or, we should say, entrees) in our contest were served up by PayPete1st, Unhunk, and Taimse, who will each receive 5 free AOL hours and a book from The Atlantic Monthly. Congratulations, PayPete1st, Unhunk, and Taimse!

The Winners

The Gouda, the Bread, and the Bubbly (The movie that inspired spaghetti westerns! Starring Clint Eat's Good) (PayPete1st)

Prunestruck (A fast moving film starring Elton John, Olivia Newton-John, Glynis Johns and W.C. Fields. Costumes designed by Edith Head. Shown at the Can Film Festival) (Unhunk)

Seven Breads for Seven Others (Rollicking musical about brothers--the Baker Boys--who knead to marry, but choose women who have no dough. Seedy production and crusty script, but you'll get a rise out of the dance numbers, which slice through the half-baked material; the actors sometimes behave as if they were too 'well-bred' for this rustic story, and sometimes they just loaf around while the camera pans. The wedding scenes are memorable, however, especially the comic toasts. Stars Joe Don Baker, Carol Baker, Steve Baker, Rollie Baker, Josephine Baker, Clint Yeastwood, Charles Bunson, John Caraway, and Poppy C. Dedd.) (Taimse)

And Our Other Top Favorites

Twizzler (The midwest gets all caught up in the cherry flavored craze) (NoreenD)
The World According to Gorp (Trail mix changes the lives of everyone who eats it) (Bacyn)
Who Flamed Roger's Rarebit? (sous-chef at Cirque overcooks Ebert's
lunch) (Nobodaddy)
2001: A Spaetzle Odyssey (NASA's best noodles search for answers; starring Kir Dullea) (Jondelfin)
GoldenRye (James Bond gets a job at the 2nd Avenue Deli) (Jondelfin)
The Piano Tuna (sequel to the Challah Hunter movie) (Jondelfin)
Flour Drum Song (Chinese try to assimilate, become white-bread Americans) (Jondelfin)
13 Rue Madeleines (Unpleasant remembrance of things past) (Jondelfin)
Flantasia (featuring the Dance of the Custard) (Jondelfin)
The Third Mango (or is it Harry Lime?) (Jondelfin)
Raisin Arizona (kidnapping a wrinkled baby) (Jondelfin)
Bean There (documentary about Chance's garden) (Jondelfin)
Gideon's Crumpet (convict learns to bake) (Jondelfin)

A little Shakespeare film fest:
Merchant of Venison
Omelet, Prince of Denmark
Julius Caesar Salad
Burger King Lear
Big Macbeth
A Winter's Ale
A Midsummer's Ice Cream
Much Honeydew About Nothing
O Henry V

My Cuisine, Vinny (Joe Pesce smells something fishy and defends a Chinese food court concession in a TO MEIn food poissoning lawsuit) (CheeeaPet)
Calamari Jane (Story of Billy the Squid's mistress) (RDH9995)
Teenage Mutton Ninja Turtles (Our heroes disguise themselves in sheep's clothing) (RDH9995)
One Flew Over the Osso Buco's Nest (Insane asylum serves terrific food) (RDH9995)
Casablini (Rick's Russian bartender changes the menu) (RDH9995)
Puddin' on the Ritz (Astaire/Rogers gain weight on hotel food) (RDH9995)
The Absinthe-Minded Professor (Scholar fights drinking problem) (RDH9995)
The Carpacciobaggers (Wastrels introduce raw beef to the Caribbean) (RDH9995)
The Trail of the Dim Sum Pine (Japanese woodsman and his love of appetizers) (RDH9995)
Tenderloin is the Night (Fitzgerald theme butchered) (RDH9995)
Anchovy and Cleopatra (Domino's makes it to the burnished barge in less than 30 minutes) (RDH9995)
The Great Waldo Pfefferneusse (Adventures of a German barnstormer) (RDH9995)
The Manchurian Candied-Date (GI brainwashed to respond to Chinese confections) (RDH9995)
Yquem for a Heavyweight (Boxer turns oenophile) (RDH9995)
The Huevos All Flesh (Shady Lady serves breakfast at the Ranchero) (RDH9995)
How to Succeed in Biscuits Without Really Frying (Young man starts from the bottom in a bakery and works himself up to "top bun") (SMPolonsky)
Catsup-22 (You can't get any condiment unless you hit the bottle hard; but if you hit the bottle hard, you get too much!) (SMPolonsky)
The Lunchbag of Notre Dame (Deformed student at a Catholic university is so ashamed of his appearance, he won't eat at the cafeteria) (SMPolonsky)
Beauty and the Beets (Belle, finding those vegetables distasteful at first, eventually learns to love them) (SMPolonsky)
Carrots of Fire (One hare's excruciating training for a big race with a tortoise) (SMPolonsky)
The Oregano Trail (An Italian immigrant family makes its way west) (SMPolonsky)
Clove Story (spicy romance with a sad ending) (SMPolonsky)
The Whey We Were (Tear-jerking romance between Miss Muffet and Mr. Spider--she just couldn't tuffet out!) (SMPolonsky)
Jenn Air (adaptation of a Charlotte Bronte novel in which a young girl is employed as a cook in a mysterious household) (SMPolonsky)
Rosemary's Baba (Watch out--don't eat that Cake!) (Doropatent)
What's Eating Filbert Crepe? (Your guess is as good as mine!) (Doropatent)
Mutton Tea on the Bounty (The real reason for the shipboard rebellion) (Doropatent)
Jell-O Submarine (The Pentagon develops a secret weapon that evades all detection by radar) (Doropatent)
Poulpe Fiction (A French octopus ends up in bouillabaisse) (Doropatent)
Das Brot (A German submarine crew mutinies when they learn that no bread was brought on board) (Doropatent)
Jujumanji (those 'bees come alive!) (MHaury2)
The Kraft (gals invent bewitching new ways with macaroni and cheese) (MHaury2)
Little Man Tater (child prodigy invents the famous tots) (MHaury2)
Seven Bries for Seven Brothers (brothers with baguettes in search of the perfect triple cream) (MHaury2)
Mushroom: Impossible (Federal agents find a mind-altering fungus... but can't find their way home) (Volleygasm)
Hambo (A "seasoned" bovine jumps off the table and wreaks havoc in a small town) (Volleygasm)
The Deviled Egg and Miss Jones (Volleygasm)
The Pie That Loved Me (Uh-oh! We've got an eating disorder here!) (Ravensegg)
The Texas Bearclaw Massacre (Boy, can those bingo babes down the free pastries!) (Ravensegg)
Once Upon a Thyme in the West, A Fistful of Collards, and For a Few Collards More (spaghetti Westerns) (Ravensegg)
The Gorgonzola (Don't look at that cheese! Don't look at that cheese!!) (Ravensegg)
Honey I Shrunkwrapped the Kids (A documentary on freezing) (Ravensegg)
Seven Dates in May (The story of Twiggy) (Ravensegg)
Food Fight at the O.K. Corral (Ketchup flows freely in Tombstone, Arizona) (ZinCats)
The Great Spaghettini (Retired military man grapples with his fear that his son is turning into a wet noodle) (ZinCats)
Wurst Side Story (Two prominent New York deli families duke it out over a treasured Old World sausage recipe) (ZinCats)
El Squid (Epic film chronicles the exploits of the legendary Spanish sea monster) (ZinCats)
Candied (Everything is sweet in this sweetest of all possible worlds) (agnes@interpath.com)
Forrest Gum ("Life is just a box of Chiclets") (Twainian)
Funny Grill/A Star is Burned (Barbecue Streisand double feature) (Twainian)
The Potage of Innocence ( Klamwall)
Rebecca of Sunny Brook Trout (Klamwall)
Seven Days in Consomme (Klamwall)
Thoroughly Modern Millet (Klamwall)
Salami Dearest (Klamwall)
Dial M and M's for Murder (Klamwall)
In Fajita the Night (Klamwall)
Chung King Kong (JShoreVT)
Pocahummus (JShoreVT)
The Return of Martin Gruyere (JShoreVT)
Catsupblanca (JShoreVT)
Throw Marmalade from the Train (JShoreVT)
Nosferagu (With Klaus Kinski as Dra-cruller) (JShoreVT)
The Man Who Climbed Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain Dew (JShoreVT)
Sometimes a Great Nosh (JShoreVT)
Fried Egg the 13th (JShoreVT)
Bartletts Over Broadway (When there is a tomato drought in New York, patrons throw rotten pears at bad productions...) (Laudes)
Gorillas in the Mix (Sigourney Weaver shares her recipe for home-baked animal cookies) (LionInOil)
Baker Morant (Edward Woodward is court-martialed for conduct unbecoming an Army cook in this tense drama) (LionInOil)
Quiche Me Kate (The female lead in this Cole Slaw Porter musical throws prepared foods at her spouse until she is finally subdued) (Mnussbaum)
Legumes of the Fall (The history of harvesting for three generations of bean farmers) (EZWriterMJ)
Glazing Arizona (An Arizona couple holds a baked ham contest) (EZWriterMJ)
My Dinner with En Croute (The guy with the annoying voice who hammed it up in The Prosciutto Bride meets an old friend and has a crusty beef with him) (BLRygg)
The Grapes of Welch (documentary on leading jelly-maker) (LLeach8798)
Night of the Living Bread (a classic horror movie, featuring flesh-eating, animated loaves) (LLeach8798)
The Magnificent Leaven (about the history of sourdough in the Wild West) (LLeach8798)
American Fryer (A coming-of-age film about two sibling hens brought together for a bike race in Colorado) (Mztlplx)
Lake Water for Chalk Latte (A pair of con artists market a unique-tasting beverage, with some odd side effects) (Mztlplx)
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydrox (Mztlplx)
Return of the Jello (Yoda returns in a gelatin mold spaceship) (PokeyDott)
Seaweed in Seattle (For the health conscious and GenXers) (PokeyDott)
Es'cargo (The Coens' dark tale of the abduction and murder of a French chef) (DCulley513)
Fishin: Impossible (An idiot attempts to swordfish outside Las Vegas) (DCulley513)
Farina (A chunky lass does power breakfast with Harrison Ford) (DCulley513)
Mr. Holland's Octopus (Conductor's quest for multiple batons) (DCulley513)
The Great White Tripe (Can you stomach this?) (DCulley513)
Stewless (Update of Jane Austen's classic novel Emma, this time set in a cooking school for vegans) (BanterW)
Purple Grain (Rock star Prince wallops the wheat right out of the shaft as he prances through the midwest making music and mayhem with the farmer's daughters) (Stormy8888)
Beverly Hills Crop (A drought in California forces the rich and famous into bare subsistence living: canned caviar and cheap champagne) (Stormy8888)
Banana and Her Sisters (A blonde woman who is about as curvy as a banana fights with her sisters and a woody alien) (Stormy8888)
And Cod Created Woman (Norwegian fishermen's theory of the creation of man) (jens@west.net)
And Baby Makes Brie (Documentary uncovering the abuse of child labor laws in the cheese industry) (jens@west.net)
Stew the Right Wing (A homicidal Liberal gets his jollies by slaughtering hot-tubbing Conservatives) (DrakeScott)
Chicken Cordon Bleu in the Face (Augie turns the cigar store into a bistro) (Caral)
Bar Wars (Saga of Tavern Competition in Old New York) (Hairy Apes)
The Empire Strikes Bock (Saga of breweries in Milwaukee) (Hairy Apes)
The Return of the Red (Story of the wine drinkers in Greenwich Village) (Hairy Apes)
The Russians Are Cumin, The Russians Are Cumin (the Slavic people are ground down to a fare-thee-well) ( Ismite)
Meatless in Seattle (RedShoes11)
The Book, the Chef, the Knife and Her Butter (RedShoes11)
Rebel Without a Sauce (RedShoes11)
Waiting to Eat Snails (Four girls are trying to earn money for a trip to Paris) (RoxWymer)
The Cod Fodder (Young Mafia wives learn to stuff their fillets) (RoxWymer)
Misses Trout Fire (Robin Williams just can't stay away from his fishing camp and buddies, so he uses an ingenious disguise to spy on them from their midst) (RoxWymer)
Spaghettisburg (RoxWymer)
Mango and Hash (RoxWymer)
The Soy Duck Club (RoxWymer)
Thyme and Punishment (Cook chastised for herbal abuse) (Pen2noho)
Davy's Crockpot, King of the Wild Frontier (Debsdab)
StripCheese (BNorris888)
The Dirty Baker's Dozen (RevMJK)
Singing in the Grain (A musical set in a bread factory) (BabsInDFW)
The Quince and the Pauper (LeonardJK)
The Riceman Cometh (LeonardJK)
Twelve Hungry Men (A Canadian football team dines out) (LeonardJK)
The Magnificent Seven-Eleven (LeonardJK)
Cookout at the OK Corral (LeonardJK)
Aspic and Old Mace (Cary Grant tries to protect the secret ingredient in his eccentric aunts' canned ham glaze) (LeonardJK)
Of Mice and Menus (Roger Smith takes a shocking look inside the kitchens of famous NY eateries) (LeonardJK)
It's a Wonderbread Life (Jimmy Stewart personifies life in suburbia) (LeonardJK)
Jowls (A study of what happens when a fisherman eats too much shark) (Mypoet)
How Green Was My Salad (A family survives on what can be scavenged from the garden) (Mypoet)
Blazing Scallops (A western set by the Pacific) (Mypoet)
Aperitifs Now (Officer makes his way past chilling close calls of the steamy smorgasbord in search of his lunch partner, Charlie) (Norm Plume)
Out of Paprika (A woman's adventure in Hungary) (Leroy2001)
Village of the Clammed (Gripping saga of those taken prisoner by the Killer Clamatos) (PiKap54)
Do the Tripe Thing (Directed by Spice Lee. Culinary tension builds between Poles and Czechs in an immigrant neighborhood) (RILLIS)
Fries Like Us (Two fast-food cooks stumble into an international conspiracy to steal the famous French potato recipe) (RILLIS)
Natural Bran Killers (StoneZone1)
Dr. Strangeclove (A presidential advisor has weird tastes in spices) (scrivano@frugal.com)
Thermidor and Louise (Two gal-pals on a cross-country seafood odyssey) (scrivano@frugal.com)
Plump Fiction (Overweight hitmen recover a stolen briefcase full of glowing recipes) (scrivano@frugal.com)
A Hundred and One Dolmades (Cruella de Vil marries a Greek shipping magnate then slips him a poisoned stuffed grape leaf at the wedding banquet) (gail.koontz@quancon.com)
Eminent Romaine (Polish lettuce elected President) (AWalradt)
The Lettuce Eaters (Family discovers headmaster father is a closet vegetarian (AWalradt)
Beeing Hunan (Chinese use apiary volunteers in new dish) (AWalradt)
My Fair Ladyfinger (Rex Harrison trifles with Audrey Hepburn's feelings as he sings "I've Thrown a Custard in her Face") (CABallou)
The DripCress Phyllo (Michael Caine tries to impress his girlfriend with a salad pastry, but it turns out soggy) (CABallou)
Das Root (An offbeet underground WWII drama) (MARGB0316)
Harry & Tomato (Man's best friend is a vegetable in this poignant comedy/drama) (MARGB0316)
Banana and the King of Siam (Fruitful encounter in Thailand) (MARGB0316)
Tappuccino (Gregory Hines's favorite gourmet coffee) (BarbPoet)
How Green Was My Walleye (A bucolic--and slightly tainted--fish "tail") (BarbPoet)
Priscilla Queen of the Dessert (Guys in drag act like tarts) (DIXG47MAN)
Moon Pie Struck (The lives and loves of a Southern Italian family) (Caral)
Steeping with the Enemy (Memoirs of the Boston Tea Party) (XENDA)
Hollandaise Inn (The unauthorized biography of Humpty Dumpty) (XENDA)
West Side Stir-fry (Gang war in the Big Apple ends in bamboo shoot-out) (ShedPot)
Das Beet (Kanoga)
Cabinet (Dancing cereals) (Canterlope)
Dr. Pickyl and Mr. Fried (Two retired men open up a restaurant) (Canterlope)
Candhi (A tale of peacemaking chocolates) (Canterlope)
The Red Badge of Porridge (Three bears are discovered with blood on their paws) (Kthurb)
Sunset Bouillabaisse (Silent screen actress forces young writer to watch her old films while eating French seafood soup) (Sapoznik)
Beau Digest (Three brothers join the Foreign Legion to forget about eating) (Sapoznik)
Adventures of Baron Munch (German soldier creates outrageous stories about meals he's had) (Sapoznik)
Oreganophobia (A virulent strain of Italian seasoning escapes from the rainforest and shows up in an Italian restaurant of a small California town, causing more deaths than even its usual menu) (Unhunk)
Soy Story (Animated tale of marinades come to life) (Cumming134)
Drumsticks Along the Mohawk (Poultry farmers during the Revolution) (Cumming134)
A Few Gouda Men (Military big cheese keeps a muensterous secret until all-American legal whiz finally grates him down. Unfortunately, plot is full of holes.) (DSpauld548)
Fed Poets Society (Hungry students crave insight into the writings of fat poets of the previous century) (JOHN HIPPO)
Fry Willy (A young boy uses his resources to try to stop whale-hungry fisherman from eating his beloved friend) (JOHN HIPPO)
They Dined with Their Boots On (Waterford crystal and Wedgwood china- at the Ponderosa Ranch?) (Stigger4)
E. D., the Eggstra Delectable (A young boy and his family fall in love with an eggheaded alien they meet while on an Easter egg hunt) (KL Krejcha)
Yum & Yummier (A sequel to Dumb and Dumber, our favorite comedians now own a catering business and make many YUMMY deliveries) (KL Krejcha)
Scents & Edibility (KL Krejcha)
Octopus Now (COgal98297)
Pastablanka (An Italian dining in Morocco bites into his baked stuffed manicotti, only to find that they are empty (Dnmcs)
How Clean Was My Galley (A sea tale centered around the cooking exploits of a navy cook) (BBallms)
Chow Voyager (A gastronomically repressed young woman seeking to escape her mother's cooking embarks upon a culinary world tour) (ExaltdAnne)
Bucket ("Will no one rid me of this meddlesome PIECE?" Henry II
consolidates his kingdom and sells lots of chicken to the peasants in the process) (etorisk@bgnet.bgsu.edu)
For Cheddar, For Wurst (Marjeanoir)
The Big Cheesy (knox@tartan.com)
9 1/2 Leeks (A docudrama detailing this long member of the onion family's exploits among the fertile beds of unsuspecting legumes) (JanieNYC)
Peter Spam (The story of a meat that never grows old!) (Sherry1701)
Kiwi Exchange (Generation Xers deciding if sharing fruit constitutes a commitment) (SwampDuffy)
Beer Window (Every time Joe quaffed a few brews, he would witness strange events from his bathroom window) (VeePM)
Porky Park (What's the meaning of all those pig heads buried in this inner city park?) (VeePM)
Indiana Scones and the Last Croissant (ShaneHead1)
City Snickers (Julia LE)
On Golden Prawns (stephanie_smith@radian.com)
The Agony and the Eggstasy (The unauthorized biography of Chicken Little) (LP FLASH)
The Anchovian Candidate (There's something fishy about the Presidential campaign) (UUU D 444)
Lemons with the Proper Stranger (Watch his affairs go sour, one at a time) (HollyMitty)
A Dal's House (Nora opens an Indian restaurant) (savoydv)
Glazed and Confused (High schoolers get off on smoking ham) (savoydv)
Men Ate Out (Baseball team on the road) (savoydv)
Bake the Honey and Rum (Aka "Baba It's You") (savoydv)
Cheese...Gotta Have It (Bio of Mickey and Minnie) (Hunny3)
Salmon and Delilah (Life along the Red Sea (Hunny3)
Dr. Oregano (Spicy Italian spy production) (Hunny3)
Carmel-Lot (A sticky medieval romance) (LOCUSTDALE)
Absinthe of Malice (Tale of demented distiller) (Booksie2)
Crepeshow (Five tales of horror unfold in a French bakery) (MadPoetess)
Flatware on Elm Street (Suburban teenagers are slain by utensils in their dreams) (MadPoetess)
The Sweet Smell of Succotash (G8ly)
The Discreet Charm of the Bourguignon (G8ly)
A View to a Kielbasa (G8ly)
The Magnificent Seviche (G8ly)
To Stir with Love (Sidney Poitier's mix of common ingredients makes a heck of a stew) (Nancygum)
Private Benihana (Goldie Hawn tries Japanese) (Nancygum)
My Dinner with Entree (VCRogers)
The Salad of the Bad Cafe (VCRogers)
Kelp! (VCRogers)
The Postman Never Brings Rice (Absent-minded mailcarrier drops the ball at a neighborhood pot-luck dinner) (janoska@inforum.umd.edu)
What About Bob-a Ganoush? (An uninvited friend from the
Mediterranean stays for a long weekend) (janoska@inforum.umd.edu)
Arugulas in the Mist (Naturalist lives with and studies arugula in its native habitat) (cerasoli@utk.edu)
Poi Story (Erotic thriller about the goings-on at a wild Hawaiian luau) (cerasoli@utk.edu)
Strangers When We Eat (Chronicles rare cases of mandibular amnesia) (SFeeney248)
E.C. The Extra-Cholesterol (Frying sauces, egg-saturated adult phobias, and heart-light dining) (PayPete1st)
The Taking of Deli Ham 1 2 3 (A crisis is created when thieves rob several East Side sandwich counters) (PayPete1st)
The Gourd You Ate (Benjamin partakes of an old squash but yearns for a taste of a young melon) (PayPete1st)
Taro! Taro! Taro! (King Kamehameha executes a sneak attack on Don Ho's luau) (PayPete1st)
The Popsicle Thief (A struggling doctor loses his tongue depressers and is caught stealing frozen treats) (PayPete1st)
L'orange on Arabica (Peter O'Toole leads mercenaries against Seattle's coffee culture) (PayPete1st)
A Mania for All Seasonings (Julia Child's biography, though sagely directed by Fred Cinnamon, leaves us with a bad taste in our mouths. Child is portrayed as a salty old crone who never gets what's cumin to her, and tries constantly to curry favor with the great chefs of Europe. Film is peppered with old-thyme images, and stars Ginger Rogers as Child, and Rosemary Clooney as a spicy chef.) (Taimse)
Olive! (Sir Carol Reed directs this thin, disjointed musical autobiography of Popeye's girlfriend as a young child. The forgettable score is really the pits, and includes "Oyl's Well that Ends Well," and "Pimientos (the Street Vendor Song)." Grace Slick has a cameo as a greaser.) (Taimse)
Advise and Croissant (Henry Fondue as a presidential nominee who decides to decline his nomination after breakfast at Burger King gives him uncontrollable flatulence) (Taimse)
Macaroon (Director Mincemeat Vanilli serves up a sweet treat of a film about a tiny Scottish village that appears only one day every century in order to distribute the Girl Scout Cookies its residents have spent the previous hundred years baking. Stars Gene Jelly and Pan Johnson.) (Taimse)
Porky Girl (Lynn Redgrave before Weight Watchers) (Taimse)
Dairy of a Mad Housewife (Dyan Cownon stars in this cheesy comedy about a cottage-bound mom who has soured on her life. Whey out of sync with reality, this film milks emotion unabashedly while cowering behind a lot of bull) (Taimse)
Goodbye, Mr. Chips and Salsa (Prim schoolmaster breaks
out of his shell) (mattu@re-media.com)

Copyright © 1996 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.