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Atlantic Unbound Sidebar

(3/24/95 - 4/7/95)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

We were walking down the street the other day when our eye (we're sharing one) was caught by a cinema marquee with two different titles on it. Whoever posted the titles had allowed them to run together: DUMB AND DUMBER LEGENDS OF THE FALL. We felt we were already sufficiently familiar with dumb legends, so we just kept on walking.

But perhaps if the run-together titles had said LITTLE WOMEN FREE WILLY we might have paid to see just how the ladies had done their flukey work. Or if the marquee had read SPLASH ON THE WATERFRONT we might have watched for awhile, even if the picture was "all wet."

Anyhow, we ask you to create your own new feature film by running together the titles of two existing movies. These movies may be old or new, good or bad, silent or talkie--whatever you choose. After showing us the new-formed title, add an explanatory comment, review, or quip if you think that'll help us to "get the picture."

Send your entry (or more than one, if you wish) to CoxRathvon. We will continue accepting entries through Saturday, April 8. The results of Double Features will be posted on Saturday, April 15.

See you at the movies! (But don't sit right in front of us unless you slouch.)

--EC and HR


(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

The Atlantic Cinerama is showing some very peculiar new movies this month. In a good many of these features, Miss Daisy is being taken for a ride. In fact, she's spending so much time in the back seat that she might be getting a wee bit carsick. Consider the following array of her chauffeurs and jaunts:

Mr. Jones Driving Miss Daisy (MadMom2)
The Lost Boys Driving Miss Daisy (MadMom2)
What About Bob Driving Miss Daisy (SkiRckyMtn)
Driving Miss Daisy Nuts (Raycarlos, DStoveken, and ShrugAtlas)
Driving Miss Daisy Bananas (JMFeehan)
Driving Miss Daisy Stir Crazy (SPORTY 40)
Driving Miss Daisy Home Alone (StilWillin)
Driving Miss Daisy Out of Africa (G8ly)
Driving Miss Daisy Around the World in Eighty Days (MSSavett)
Driving Miss Daisy Every Which Way But Loose (NotVitale)

Travel-weary as Miss Daisy must feel, she's certain to be faring better than Momma, whose misadventures on the railroad are pitiable indeed:

Twins Throw Momma from the Train (MadMom2)
Wise Guys Throw Momma from the Train (Alamano)
Goodfellas Throw Momma from the Train (TravelerOn)
The Little Rascals Throw Momma from the Train (Seestorliz)

Poor Momma! But at least she dodged the whizzing bullets, unlike the characters in the following tragedies:

Beverly Hills Cop In the Line of Fire (Jan Levine)
Kindergarten Cop In the Line of Fire (MSSavett)
Three Amigos In The Line Of Fire (a critic's dream come true?) (Kalujguy)
When Harry Met Sally In The Line of Fire (a short-lived romance) (Libbster)
Pretty Woman In The Line Of Fire (Clint Eastwood finally gets sick of Julia Roberts) (CATBRAT1)

Others who fared rather sadly in these films were mockingbirds (oh, you people are so cruel!) and Raoul (who's been had for dinner repeatedly, if you digest our meaning).

Of the 300 or so movies proposed to us, a few were actually triple features. Of these we especially liked:

There's a Girl in My Soup Of Unknown Origin Who is Killing all the Great Chefs of Europe (EmlyPostlt)
Just Cause Peggy Sue Got Married There Goes The Neighborhood (Purrrrty)

You may view the rest of the films below at your leisure. We've laughed so much over so many of them that selecting just three winners has been a feature-length farce. As always, our choices are subjective and capricious. To those on the short list (each of whom will receive 5 free AOL hours plus a book of his or her choice from the Atlantic online bookstore)--congratulations! To those on the long list--ROFL! Please keep 'em coming!--
EC and HR

The Winners:

The Color Purple Ran (The Pope is upset when his vestments come back from the cleaners) (G8ly)

The Year My Voice Broke The Glass House (Memoirs of an opera singer) (Cruciver)

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore Because Of You (Raviac)

But Let Us Not Forget To Mention:

The Morning After Peggy Sue Got Married ("God, how much *did* I have to drink last night? And what's this ring...?") (KalujGuy)-
Amadeus The Man With Two Brains (The secret of his success, exposed!) (KalujGuy)-
Hair Gone with the Wind (Guess I should have left the toupee at home) (OBSue)-
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Jaws (and now their teeth are falling out!) (TrekkerDax)-
V 8 1/2 (EmlyPostlt)-
What's Eating Gilbert Grape Nuts (A grocery-delivery boy (Johnny Depp) cares for his crazy sister (Barbra Streisand) who thinks she's a box of cereal) (StefSpad)-
Ruthless People Bringing Up Baby (Welfare reform in a nutshell) (JebMar)-
Giant Bananas (a King Kong sequel) (JebMar)-
The Beverly Hillbillies Escape from Alcatraz (TAZZMAT)-
I Love Trouble So I Married an Axe Murderer (MSSavett)-
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot All the President's Men (MSSavett)-
Single White Female Searching For Bobby Fischer (MSSavett) -
The Firm Little Women (MSSavett) -
A Room With A View From Here to Eternity (MSSavett)-
A Room With a View Of Human Bondage (Kinky presentation featuring the cast from "The Hole in the Wall Gang") (G8ly)-
All the President's Men Guilty as Sin (Or is that redundant?) (Libbster)-
Getting Even With Dad The Cowboy Way (Yipes! What might that be??) (Libbster)-
The Little Rascals In The Army Now (The price of an all-volunteer force) (Libbster)-
I'll Do Anything To Kill A Mockingbird (Libbster)-
Mr Smith Goes to Washington to Kill a Mockingbird (Funsmiles)-
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington To Catch A Thief (NotVitale)-
Rocky Road to Wellville (NotVitale)-
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest And No One Could Save Her (NotVitale)-
The Howling Beauty and the Beast (NotVitale)-
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid They Only Come Out at Night (NotVitale)-
Zombies of Mora Tau Lust For Life (Raviac)-
A Woman Under the Influence Of Mice and Men (Raviac)-
My Stepmother is An Alien Beyond Reasonable Doubt (Raviac)-
Go Ask Alice About Last Night (Raviac)-
Ed "Wood Pulp" Fiction (Raviac)-
The Jayne Mansfield Story: Bustin' Loose (Raviac)-
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being The Bad Seed (Raviac)-
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Swept Away (Ravensegg)-
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Amazon Women on the Moon (RevMJK)-
Babette's Feast Eating Raoul (SPORTY40)-
Pink Flamingos Eating Raoul (Bosun)-
My Dinner With Andre Eating Raoul (Raycarlos)-
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Eating Raoul (Bernsho)-
Stand and Deliver Mystic Pizza (Alamano)-
Escape from New York Taxi Driver (Alamano)-
Grease All the President's men (Alamano)-
A Fish Called Wanda On Golden Pond (Alamano)-
A Fish Called Wanda 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (SPORTY40)-
Short Circuit The Electric Horseman (SPORTY40)-
Educating Rita Under The Yum Yum Tree (SPORTY40)-
An Affair To Remember The Morning After (SPORTY40)-
Where The Boys Are Cheaper By The Dozen (SPORTY40)-
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Baby Makes Six (A year in the life of a math-phobic family) (Cruciver)-
Funny Farm Animal House (A Saturday Night Live from the stockyards?) (PineCreekS)-
The Thin Blue Line Dances with Wolves (Policewomen go undercover at a country-music singles bar?) (PineCreekS)-
Searching for Bobby Fischer Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (So *that's* where he was hiding for all those years) (PineCreekS)-
Falling Down The Hill (Gritty officer Sean Connery teaches Jack and Jill how to be soldiers?) (PineCreekS)-
An Officer and a Gentleman: An Affair to Remember (Purrrrty)-
Snow White and The Three Stooges Blame It On Rio (Purrrrty)-
Around the World in Eighty Days On the Good Ship Lollipop (Purrrrty)-
Thelma and Louise Journey to the Center of the Earth (Purrrrty)-
Hannah And Her Sisters Take The Money And Run (Jan Levine)-
Natural Born Killers Escape from New York (Terrean)-
To Be Or Not To Be That Kind Of Woman (Nvr2bz4hug)-
That Kind Of Woman For A Few Dollars More (Nvr2bz4hug)-
Dressed To Kill The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (Gucci meets Freddy Krueger?) (TinLizzard)-
When You Comin' Back, Red Ryder? When Nature Calls (Perhaps best to leave some things to the imagination) (TinLizzard)-
Strapless Little Women (Lyonnene)-
Only The Lonely Die Hard (Lyonnene)-
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Mermaids (TravelerOn)-
Titanic Watership Down (Mztlplx)-
The Hunchback of Notre Dame For Whom the Bell Tolls (Mztlplx) -
The Way We Were Walking Dead (Mztlplx)-
Edward Scissorhands, A Farewell to Arms (SUEBOY)-
God is My Co-Pilot From Here to Eternity (Turnberry2) -
The Shining Treasure Island (Turnberry2)-
Natural Born Killers: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (AT12DD)-
Popeye The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea (Ravensegg and DChiappisi)-
Grease Monkey's Uncle (DChiappisi)-
Absence of Malice And Justice for All (MadMom2)-
Mr Mom Dances with Wolves (MadMom2)-
The Candidate Running Scared (Preview of the '96 election?) (MadMom2)-
The Big Easy Working Girl (Rated X! Best seen on the large screen) (MadMom2)-
Frankenstein Walking Tall (MadMom2)-
101 Dalmatians Dead Again (Crizzle)-
Beethoven's 2nd Nightmare on Elm Street (AT12DD)-
Peggy Sue Got Married For A Few Dollars More (KGuhm)-
Paint Your Wagon The Color Purple (Kguhm and SPORTY 40)-
Those Incredible Men in Their Flying Machines Journey to the Center of the Earth (Directed by Corrigan) (JMFeehan)-
Bunny Lake is Missing Woman of the Year (Raycarlos)-
Reefer Madness: Splendor in the Grass (Raycarlos)-
Frantic Ghost (Beccas123)-
Other People's Money: You Can't Take It With You (TDaesey)-
Forrest Gump the Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover (Ergolem)-
Hoop Dreams Gone with the Wind (Jkspam)-
City Slickers Hunt for Red October (KSides1959)-
Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Nightmare Before Christmas (EZuerch)-
Twelve Angry Men Desperately Seeking Susan (Landlord1)-
Goldfinger, The Man with the Golden Arm (Acronymble)-
Drums Along the Mohawk, the Beat Goes On (Acronymble)-
Help The Creature from the Black Lagoon (ACohen9733)-
Grease On the Waterfront (Reminder of the Exxon-Valdez spill (KCeer)-
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask Twelve Angry Men (SavWmson)-
License to Kill Forrest Gump (JeffJ45788)

Copyright © 1995 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.