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Enjoy a biweekly test of verbal tomfoolery. WWW fame is at stake! Confused? Read all about Word Games in this brief introduction. Brought to you by Emily Cox and Henry Rathvon, the creators of The Atlantic Puzzler.

Patron Saints

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!
(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

This contest will run until noon, March 21 (It has been extended an extra week due to technical glitches with Henry and Emily's e-mail account).

With Saint Patrick's Day coming up, we find ourselves reverently contemplating the lives of some of the lesser-known saints. Though rarely commemorated with holidays, many of these saints (who often hail from small towns) are associated with familiar objects. For example, the venerable patron of dairy products is...

St. Pat of Butter

(As you may know, Butter is a village in the south of England.) And the patron saint of undergarments is, naturally,

St. Russell of Petticotes

(Petticotes being a hamlet in northern Ireland.) We wonder whether you're familiar with the patron saint of poetry. She's known as

Ste. Adeline of Verse

(Verse is, of course, a tiny seaport in Sweden.) And for one last example, let us remind you that the patron saint of barbers is

St. Hank of Haire

(If you've never visited the French town of Haire, then you're missing a lot of fun and follicle!) Anyhow, there must be many more of these little-known saints, both male and female. We want you to tell us about them!

Introduction to Word Games

Meet your hosts, Cox & Rathvon

Word Games rules

Enter the current Word Games contest .

Archive of past Word Games

Join in the message board fun

Suggest a contest for your fellow wordplay lovers. If we can use or adapt your idea, we'll bestow upon you any book from The Atlantic Store.

To play along, give us the patron saint's name and home town, and let us know the common object, event, or activity with which that saint is associated. Mail your entry to puzzles@theatlantic.com. Multiple entries are welcome, but for our convenience bundle your saints into one piece of e-mail whenever possible (and please don't use attached files). Senders of our three favorite entries will each receive holy vestments, a golden halo, and our reverent adulation -- either that, or a free book from the Atlantic Monthly's online store.

Patron Saints will remain open through Friday, March 21. Winners and full results will be posted on Friday, March 28.

-- EC and HR

Results of Patron Saints

Blessed be the patron saint of abundance, St. Horne of Plenty! Blessed too be the patron saint of mail delivery, Ste. Ava Lanche of Letters! We are thankful for the rich crop of funny e-mail entries from our contestants, leading us to praise the patron saint of laughter, Ste. Burstyn of Myrth.

As so often happens, there were duplicates of good ideas, with many Jacks (such as the patron saint of auto mechanics, Jack of Dakar), Bills (prominently featuring the patron saint of restaurant menus, Bill of Faire), and Marks (led by the patron saint of foxes and swordsmanship, Mark of Zorro). Here are some other risible and oft-reiterated ideas:

The patron saint of breakfast cereal: Kareem of Wheat
Of punctuality: Nick of Time
Of happiness: Ray of Sunshine
Of business: Art of Deal
Of students: Dean of College
Of optimists: Bea of Goodcheer
Of pessimists: Eve of DeStruxion
Of philosophy: Pearl of Wisdom
Of kite-flying: Gus of Wynde
Of general practitioners: Lance of Boyle
Of comic opera: Barbara of Seville
Of tomfoolery: Beryl of Mon Keys
Of oldies-but-goodies: Duke of Earle
Of multiple-choice tests: Nan of d'Above
Of difficulties: Ken of Worms
Of channel swimmers: Cliff of Dover
Of teamsters: Miles of Rhodes
Of insurance: Lloyd of London
Of harvests: Yolanda of Plenty

In our teasing contest write-up, we may have misled some readers into supposing that the fictional saints' hometowns had to be real. We apologize for the confusion. Nevertheless, a number of contestants used real-life place names very effectively and managed to enrich the field of hagiography (hey, geography!--but no, that's a different subject).

Honorable funny-bone-tickling mention goes to the two following jokey entries:

The patron saint of silly people striving to be first in the phone book: St Aaaaron of Aa

The patron saint of Gaelic spelling: St. LLewwenddoff of Ggaell

Golden indeed are the haloes of our three winners of books from the Atlantic's online store: guy@research.att.com, rickp@ormutual.com, and GiarcF@aol.com! To each of these venerable personages, we bow and say "Wow!" Let's mark their names on our calendars and take a three-day holiday on their behalf!

The Winners

The patron saint of palindromes: St. Alfred of Oder Flats (The patron saint of palindromes used to be Dennis, but he was decanonized because, well, as you know...)


The patron saint of right-wing bungee jumpers: St. Rush of Adrenaline

The patron saint of whiners: St. Aaron of Gryvances

And Our Other Top Favorites

The patron saint of the stalwart: Will of Iron
Of Motown: Jane of Fools
Of chemists: Adam of Argonne
Of ghostwriters: Arthur of Record
Of lounge chairs: Patti of Urniture

Patron saint of fortuity: Aaron of Luck
Of rural landscapes: Rose of Barnes
Of the Beverly Hillbillies: Cal of Forney
Of anonymity: Juan of Many
Of African ungulates: Fred of Lyons

Patron saint of demolition: Rex of Kars
Of commuters: Otto of Mobile
Of success: Caesar of Opportunity
Of spoiled Mexican food: Stinko de Mayo
Of red-handed crooks: Noah de Nile
Of the French Foreign Legion: Dyan of Thurston
Of fish: Phil Hay of Seoul
Of domestic squabbles: F. Emily of Aire

Patron saint of American poets: Leif of Grass
Of golfers (especially those seeking birdies): Bob o'Links
Of whiners: Patty of Beef
Of Heaven: Byrd of Paradise

Patron saint of soft skin in England: Earl of Olay
Of soft skin in France: Doyle of D'Olay
Of decision-making: Joyce of Alifetime
Of Charles Dickens fans: Adele of Doocities
Of Elmer Fudd and French Revolutionaries: Dwayne of Tewwow
Of TV sitcoms: Ila of Lucy
Of apathy: Jesse of Icare
Of international relations: Fern of Faires
Of acquaintances: Efren of deFamilie
Of peace: Ollie of Branch
Of pachyderms: Ella of Phant
Of cleanliness: Dustin of Yourpants
Of offspring: Chip of the Old Block
Of comfort: Cy of Relief

Patron saint of burglars: Jimmy de Lough
Of actors: Cass of Karrakters
Of yuppies: El le Vator (Le Vator is a New York district on its way up from ghetto to chic)

Patron saint of politics: Phil of Hot Aire
Of footwear: Pierre of Chouz
Of cooking shows: Stu of Beans
Of vegetable farmers: Isaac of Potatoes
Of jealousy: Luke of Envee
Of teen brides: Robin of the Cradle
Of hawks: Bert of Prey
Of desserts: Alec of Ice Cream

Patron saint of sun lovers: Herold of Spring
Of wildcatters: Derek of Oilfields
Of minor functionaries and bad weather: Marshall of Parade
Of slugabeds: Matt of Straw
Of junkyards: Rex of Auto
Of warriors: Grant of Peace

Patron saint of porcelain dinner service manufacturers: Seth of China
Of spitballs: Phillip of Finger
Of composters: Cora of Appleton
Of oxymorons: Dawn of Evening Shade
Of Hiawatha: Minnie of Ha Hoa (Vietnam)
Of clothes you wouldn't be caught dead in: Polly of Ester
Of macho symbols: Pierre of Trousers
Of Atlantic game players: Juan of Voss

Patron saint of imitation dairy products: Ole o'Margarine
Of funeral arrangements: Lou of Flowers
Of plumage: Bert of Paradise
Of traditional recipes: Joy of Cooking

Patron saint of optimists: Don of Anudai
Of cartels: Berle of Petrol
Of do-it-yourselfers: Chip of Paynte
Of juvenile delinquents: Ward of DeCorte
Of sinners: Cher of Regrette
Of blushers: Diane of Shayme
Of historians: Flo of Eventz
Of pre-owned chariot vendors: Carlotta of LeMons

Patron saint of junk-food junkies: Emil of Pisa

Patron saint of coffee drinkers: Buzz of Java

Patron saint of xerography: St. Paul of St. Paul
Of plagiarism: St. Louis of St. Louis
The three patron saints of anagrams: Saint Martin of Antrim, Saint Maxine of Xiamen, and Saint Raphael of the Rhaetian Alps
Of incorrect spacing: Saint De of Avente
From the British isle comes the patron saint of prehistory: Ste. Dawn of Man
Of regular guys: Juan of DuBois
Of grammarians: Manuel of Stile
Of Beatles' fans: Angel of Mersey
Of common causes: Boyd of Afedda
Of couples who live in small apartments: Justin of Fort Uwe
Of naughty children: Olden of Tuno-Betta
Of numbered bank accounts: Noam of Zurich
Of lousy spellers: Mikel of Albakirky
Of stutterers: St. St. John of Walla Walla, WA
Of high-school physics: Ste. Senta of Mass.
Of cryptic crosswords: Saint Ayn of Riverside (6)*

* Cryptic-clue answer = ST + RAND [eds.]

Patron saint of things hidden in sleeves: Ace of Harts
Of creative fundraising: Robin of Banks

The patron saint of parking is, of course: St. (formerly Sir) Lance of Lott

Patron saint of weapons manufacturers: Manuel of Armes

Patron saint of cereal: Olaf of Oatmeal

Patron saint of those who love to give: Rose of Sharon
Of those who might do harm; but on the other hand might not: Philomena of Sortz

Patron saint of confectioners: Candy of Carmel
Of superheros: Clark of Kent
Of animal trainers: Leo of Lyon

Patron saint of cloned persons: Bjorn of Oman
Of Ginger Rogers: Belle of Danzig
Of jokesters: Mary of Hart
Of hypochondriacs: Dyan of Aixe

Patron saint of motorists: Wright of Waye
Of criminals: Den of Thieves
Of weavers: Ball of Yarne
Of attorneys: Pound of Fleisch
Of gravel haulers: Fulton of Rocke
Of pastry chefs: Baker of Tartes
Of valets: Parker of Karrs
Of bellhops: Porter of Baggs
Of pet owners: Walker of Dawgs
Of senior citizens: Grey of Temple

Patron saint of race horses: Gudrun of Louck
Of working men in fishing villages: Etienne of Sardenes
Of axeblades: Chip of Oldtblocck

Patron saint of geneticists: Dolly of Sheepmoor
Of vintners: Ernest and Julio of Gallo
Of boxers: Hans of Steele
Of the NBA: Wilt of Longmen
Of loggers: Weyerhauser of Lone Tree
Of the terminally vain: George Hamilton of Longtan
Of nursery rhymes: Peter of Pumpkin Center
Of storms: Thor of Good Thunder

Patron saint of perverts: Pete of Isle
Of tall shoe-saleswomen: Pere of Flatts

Patron saints of pinochle: Jack of Diamonds and Quinn of Spade

Patron saint of new relationships: Seymour of One An' Other (twin cities in Yorkshire)
Of jazz: Bertha of The Blues
Of truckers and haulers: Philip of High Tessed
Of bygone roads: Lane of Cobblestones

Of doubters: Shadz of Grey (Grey is a village in Massachusetts and final resting place of St. Canttell Black from White County (well-known saint of the mentally sightless.)

Of gamblers: Ace of Spade

Of the Pru: Rocque of Gibraltar
Of every meek, quiche-eating weakling who has been called names by macho bullies: Francis of Assisi

Adam of Sens: patron saint of French parents, often heard to say: "Pierre, if you had an Adam of Sens, you would never have gotten involved with that fresh young mademoiselle from the cabaret!"

Blessed Anthony only shows up at Disneyworld at daybreak, so be sure to catch: Tony of Orlando at Dawn
This holy woman's cup runneth over: Ophelia of Brest

Patron saint of cowboys: John of Wayne (NJ)
He has been linked with the patron saint of theatrical agents: William of Morris (MN)

The patron saint of con men: St. Mark
Of expressway rest areas: St. John
Of capitalists: St. Thomas More
Of articles: St. Ann
Of portals: St. Isidore

Aretha of Seoul

Copyright © 1997 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.