u_topn picture

Atlantic Unbound Sidebar

(1/26/96 - 2/9/96)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

Friends, we feel the hot breath of Saint Valentine on our necks, reminding us that the Day of Love is nigh!

As Cupid's darts begin to fill the air, twanging people everywhere, some great new alliances of passion will be forged!

For example, we suspect that rock singer Courtney will madly tumble for both movie critic Vincent and PGA golfer Curtis, proving that... Love Canby Strange!

At the same time, actress Shelley may find herself wooing CW singer Clint and crooner Jerry at the same time, resulting in a... Long Black Vale!

And that's not all! TV actor Max is forming a relationship with game-show celeb Vanna and actor Timothy, resulting in some... Baer White Bottoms!

Hey, don't blame us! Can we help if Cher's former beau ends up with both Doris and Gladys? This will happen on a... Sonny Day and Knight.

Senders of the three entries making us hoot the loudest will each win a free book from The Atlantic Store and 5 free AOL hours (if they are AOL members). Multiple entries are welcome, but for our convenience pack your entries into one piece of e-mail whenever possible (and please don't use attached files).

We will continue accepting entries through Friday, February 9. Results of "Mélange à Trois" will be posted at the Atlantic Monthly on Friday, February 16.

Good luck, everyone! And watch out for those arrows!

--EC and HR

P.S. If you like cryptic crosswords, visit our "Puzzles and Word Games" folder on the Atlantic's America Online message board (keyword: ATLANTIC) and join the handful of rather crazed clue-writers who are already at play there! Post clues of your own and see if the gang can solve 'em!

MÉLANGE À TROIS Contest Results

(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

"If I were a contest judge," wrote correspondent AnnieWise, "I would not judge entries harshly based upon actor Kelsey, hockey great Bobby, or actress Tori."

AnnieWise should be relieved to hear that we do not condemn people's "Grammer Orr Spelling." All we really need is love--and we got plenty of it in this contest, which (as MMartin804 suggested about Jodie, Glenn, and Barry) contrived to "Foster Close Bonds."

In most entries the theme of amour prevailed, with actress Karen, comedian John, and Bill Clinton's alleged flame Gennifer providing the Valentine, the Candy, and the Flowers. There were plenty of Candy Gramms, Candy Caines, Candy Barrs, and even some Cotten Candy (which Jane was Fonda). Actress Blanche and politician Gary were recruited for entries evoking Sweet and Hart, while singer Courtney gave lots of Love. Contestant WatrBabee summed up these affairs by saying that Courtney, Don, and Bridges were tying a "Love Knotts Beau."

Naturally this led to some rug-cutting romance. We heard that actor Ted, cabaret singer Bobby, and puzzle editor Will were going to "Danson Short Shortz" (OberOber); that Roger and Shannon and Ted were engaging in "Moore Doherty Danson" (DEBGRILL); that Meg and Mary Beth had poor Ted "Danson Tilly Hurt" (Andygal); and that with Oscar and Peekabo along there was "Wilde Danson in the Street" (Crabglass).

Because geniuses often think alike, several contestants referred to Long Lake Cruises, Long Winters Knights, and Winters Long Johns. Several people wrote of an arsonist who Burns Bridges (usually on Rivers). Speaking of Rivers, a number of you sang the praises of Young Mann Rivers and/or Oldman Rivers. And speaking of Young, we heard several variations on the advice "Hugo West, Youngman," and we met a number of people who'd come across a Young Foster Child.

We were not shocked when BarbPoet and Ceejayyy both put together Crystal and Ball to predict the outcome of love. But we were a mite surprised that both MrJaded and SMPolonsky invented a Gumbel Ma Sheen. We were even more startled that both Doropatent and SMPolonsky tried to kill two Birds (or Byrds) with one Stone. And when MrJaded mentioned his Bell Lee Button, we were a bit shocked when LatteLdy72 came forward and exposed Harry Belli Buttons; fortunately for us all, Ismite then revealed his new invention: Belli Button Shields!

There's a great deal more "Melange a Trois" looniness below. But first we salute LatteLdy72, Karen Ariz, and Birdsinger--the match-making punsters whose entries top our list. It was suggested by DarkPoetNY that our champions might each "Winfrey Denver Holiday," but we have better to offer: 5 free AOL hours plus a book from the Atlantic's online store! Our laughing congratulations to cracked Cupids LatteLdy72, Karen Ariz, and Birdsinger!

The Winners

Actors Alan and Jim are both doting over singer Stevie:
Alda Nabors Wonder!

A Valentine Trio party was planned by Karen, Derek, and Mr. Cobb; the gala was Black Bo Ty. But actress Goldberg, actor Peter, and English poet Alfred ruined the party by making a rude...
Whoopi Cushing Noyes.
(Karen Ariz)

When Bishop Desmond tied the knot for Mark and Winona it resulted in a...
Tutu Twain Ryder.

And Our Other Favorites

Hall of Fame pitcher Marichal is devastated when singer Gladys drops him for a fling with comedian Laurel on a ... Juan Knight Stan. (SSchri6565)
Tennessee Ernie competes with former hockey player Bobby for the affection of singer Vicki. This all takes place in a... Ford Orr Carr. (SSchri6565)
Pianist Emanuel takes note of actress Elisabeth, who gets a kick out of martial artist Bruce. Perhaps it Ax Shue Lee happened. (DavidL1954)
Composer George Frederick hopes to score with skater Katerina who hungers for "Galloping Gourmet" Graham, creating a situation they all must Handel Witt Kerr. (DavidL1954)
I heard Farrah went back in time to marry both a Confederate general and the author of "The Star Spangled Banner." Now they have a Lee Key Fawcett. (SMPolonsky)
If dancer Fred, Roe's abortion opponent, and actress Gloria all lived together, would they be climbing Astaire Wade de Haven? (Sorry about that one.) (SMPolonsky)
And here's some real gossip--game show host Monte and singer Darryl both wanted to become lovers of actress Hunter, but her other boyfriends beat them up. You got it--they decked the Halls with beaus of Holly. (SMPolonsky)
Meanwhile, actor Dudley is searching for a larger apartment to share with his former "10" co-star Derek and supermodel McPherson. They're looking for Moore Elle-Bo room. (SMPolonsky)
Quarterback Warren, talk-host Howard and Actress Victoria met in school but were expelled when they decided to Moon Stern Principal. (Hunny3)
Singer Julie, actor Peter, and astronaut Sally traveled abroad to take a London Lorre Ride. (Hunny3)
Comedian Rich, actress Sharon, and baseball great Johnny love to snuggle on a Little Stone Bench. (Hunny3)
When newsman Dan, singer Mariah and singer Johnny go on a date, they would Rather Carey Cash. (Hunny3)
Politician Birch, boxer Cassius, and actress Annie love to shop and Bayh Clay Potts. (Hunny3)
Football player Bob, Supreme Courter Warren and gospel singer Sandi always share a Griese Burger Patti. (Hunny3)
If actress June fell for singer Stevie and camera inventor Edwin, the result would be... Allyson Wonder Land. (MrJaded)
If baseball pitcher Vida hooked up with actress Halle, and professor Anita, they might find... Blue Berry Hill. (MrJaded)
If former Red Sox outfielder Bernie and former Senators relief pitcher Dick went to a concert and picked up singer Bonnie, the result would be a....Carbo Hyde Raitt. (MrJaded)
The unlikely alliance of pop singer Matthew, actor David, and TV producer Lorenzo would result in some... Sweet Soul Music. (MrJaded)
British actresses Joan and Lesley-Anne invest in a farm with American funnyman WC and they... Plowright Down Fields. (Purrrrty)
Old Actors weekend in Colorado brings together tough guy George, not-so sweet Betty and deep-voiced Ethel to... Raft White Waters. (Purrrrty)
British actor Charles and football hero Lynn get cultured with actress Veronica as they... Dance Swann Lake. (Purrrrty)
After actress Thurman spends a wild and crazy night with writer Conrad and composer Johann Sebastian, they'll be complaining, "Uma Aiken Bach." (CYDs1TS)
Playwright Edward and actor Christopher have both taken up with actress Demi. As part of a commendable exercise regime, each has resolved... Albee Walken Moore. (JBurke2900)
German philosopher reveals claustrophobia during rendezvous with actress Glenn and eternal starlet Pia: Kant Close Zadora! (DEBGRILL)
Actress Dorothy is head over sarong for both ice hockey champ Bobby and jazz guitarist Paul ; her feeling is that 3 is better than 2 ... Lamour Orr Les. (Jabbrwacky)
Exhausted from doubling up with the ex-Mrs. Trump and actress Richards, John the actor was heard to comment: "Ivana Beah Lone." (Jabbrwacky)
Shopping for a hot Valentine gift? Golfer Zoeller, comic Buttons and country musician Randolf, think your love might like: Fuzzy Red Boots. (DSpauld548)
Before you plant a big wet kiss on your sweetie, preacher Roberts, Admiral Rickover and a Smart actress want you to think about Oral Hy Jean. (DSpauld548)
Who says money can't buy you love? Take it from a magician, an actor, and an architect, if sweet talk ain't workin'...Teller Yul Pei. (DSpauld548)
Hawaiian singer Don might get together with one of the Bridges brothers and the late actor Erwin for... Ho Beau Stu. (SFaber)
Actor Martin might join up with bond trader Michael and Lenny Bruce's wife in... Landau Milken Honey. (SFaber)
If a Japanese automaker got involved with Mary Tyler Moore's neighbor and Barbie's boyfriend, they'd be (sing it now!)... Honda Rhoda Ken. (SFaber)
Bond villain falls for B-movie actress Joan and famous architect I.M., and if the relationship doesn't work out: No Severance Pei! (MEMannella)
Danielle, Alan, and Tyrone have a recipe for success: Steele Alda Power. (DarkPoetNY)
Actor Ben took Phoenix to Ireland to see Ms. Doherty, but first they had to Cross River Shannon. (LisaMos)
When Doris found she was the passion of both Gerald and Ellery, she felt like she was Queen Ford Day. (ASpates)
Bernard and Nguyen both want to date Jane. Who Goetz Thieu Seymour of her? (ASpates)
Buddy and Sam have proposed to Shirley, saying they Booth Wannamaker Rich. (ASpates)
Cher (for a short while) was pursued by Eric and Jeremy, but nowadays she'd like to see Allman Clapton Irons. (ASpates)
If Secretary of Commerce Ron, boxer Ray Leonard and actress Bernard convened: Brown Sugar Crystal (Oasisdude)
If columnist Landers met with presidential daughter Nixon Cox and football star Walter: Ann Trisha Payton (Oasisdude)
If you see Ms. Arthur at the golf course with Rob and Jack in a sandtrap, you could say she's... Bea Lowe Paar. (LeapYear56)
Inevitable outcome when actress Lang meets actor Howard and gangster Malone: Hope Leslie Bugsy. (Daasek)
Oxymoron results when actress Glenn meets footballer Natron and actor Jamie: Close Means Farr (Daasek)
Sign on window at fish market owned by Peter, Tim, and Vincent: Sellers Daly Price (WWLotz)
Would there be a thirsty soul out there somewhere who would like to tap into a new invention of Jack, George, and Farrah? Lemmon Ade Fawcett? (ShedPot)
And when the thirst is slaked, try a Daniel, Lorne, Orson: French Greene Bean (ShedPot)
Singer Vikki and TV artist Jon and emcee Arsenio trysted in Carr Gnagy Hall (Jondelfin)
Choreographer Michael, comedian/actor Phil, and Justice Harlan have passed a... Kidd Nee Stone. (Jondelfin)
Actor Robert, guitarist Joe, and actor Michael were told: Donat Pass Gough. (Jondelfin)
Middle Ages writer Papinius Statius, hockey star Bobby and basketballer Robert know to... Publius Orr Parish. (Jondelfin)
Actress MacLaine convinces actor Grant to read book about fictional legionnaire Beau: Shirley Hugh Geste. (RDH9995)
Rapper T joins popular all-girl rock group to sing standards by composer George M. for Ice Cream Cohan. (RDH9995)
Actress Arthur teams up with supermodel McPherson to make sandwich for rapper Ice: Bea-Elle-T. (RDH9995)
Editor Helen Gurley and film directror Fred, when teamed with Royce's partner, make some delicious... Brown Zinnemann Rolls. (Doropatent)
I'm obsessing on weather, not Valentines. Hopefully soon:
Snowe Pyle Donne (Olympia, Ernie and John),
Fields Loos Frost (Sally, Anita and Robert), and
Bird Fleiss North (Larry, Heidi and Oliver) to
Dewey Greene Meadows (John, Lorne and Audry). (ALums48454)
Raymond, Barbara, and Gale's weather report: Burr... Hale Storm (WWLotz)
Christopher is back in "Kitty Hawk, The Early Years" with actress Robin and Dr. Joyce. You'll see: Wright Brothers Walken. (Rickwins)
Jane, Senator John, and diplomat Chester: Pauley Warner Crocker (Rickwins)
Dolly, Sandra, and John are: Parton Dee Waters (Rickwins)
Faye, Katarina, and Willem show that the Brooklyn team is victorious and has... Dunaway Witt Dafoe (Rickwins)
In what town would movie actress Eva Marie and comedian Jerry choose to have a melange a trois with ex-basketball coach Doug? Saint Lewis, Moe! (BarbPoet)
Singer Eddie falls for Actress Kathy but she's in love with the Capt. from Peter Pan! Fisher Bates Hook (Cat4488)
When Dan went over to this guy's ark to interview Cybill he came away convinced that he'd Rather Noah Shepard. (ElaMarie)
John runs into Carl during Gayle - Denver Weathers Storm (Nancygum)
Chevy blows off Dyan for Lucy - Chase Cannon Ball (Nancygum)
Victor runs past Sally for Gennifer - Mature Field Flowers (Nancygum)
Theodore Kroeber's Native American friend joined opera character Boris and physicist Enrico in pursuit of the same woman. Their lament: "Ishi Godunov Fermi?" (Birdsinger)
Journalist Diane, comedian Red and actress Ellen plan an unusual tryst on Valentine's Day. They were going to invite you to make a foursome, but after watching you scarf three pounds of heart-shaped chocolates, they Sawyer Buttons Burstyn, and decided not to include you after all. (Birdsinger)
Singer Helen can't decide between Hockey's Bobby and Actor Don. She doesn't know if she's... Reddy Orr Knotts (LatteLdy72)
Football Coach Weeb is vying for the affection of Singer Roseanne, but her heart belongs to Johnny: Ewbank Cash Paycheck (LatteLdy72)
When Bobby the chess guru falls for writer Vonnegut and actress Kathy, one of them is sure to demand: either... Fisher Kurt Bates. (Karen Ariz)
A tryst among author Henry Seidel, anthropologist Jane, and singer Gladys... Canby Goodall Knight. (Karen Ariz)
And finally, if novelist Robin has a tryst with comedian George and actor Kevin, there could be trouble if the... Cook Burns Bacon! (Rich244)

Copyright © 1996 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.