Reporter's Notebook

Your Adoption Stories
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Scroll down for the latest in our ongoing series on the trials, tribulations, and joys of adoption. Email your own story, perspective, or disagreement to hello@theatlantic.com.

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When Adoption Turns to Agony

Our long-running reader series continues with a heartbreaking account from a woman who was adopted at birth in the late ’60s and never reconciled with that:

I always knew I was adopted and it haunted me—perhaps because I had such a bad relationship with my mother, or perhaps because I KNEW something of my birth family. I knew I had siblings. (I was an only child in my adopted family.) I knew that there were people out there I was connected to but didn’t know. I was obsessed with this knowledge and it ate at me.

When I turned 20, my adopted mother asked if I wanted to meet my birth family. Well, of COURSE I did. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know THEM.

So they arranged a meeting. Afterwards, my adopted mother was horrified that I still had a desire to stay in contact with my birth family. She thought I would just meet them, get answers to all my questions and walk away. It drove a bigger wedge between my adopted parents and me.

Over the years, I rarely saw my birth family, out of respect for my adopted family. But a few years ago, my adopted mother died. (My father died years ago.) So I decided to try and have a better relationship with my birth family.

Two of our readers have adopted five children each—and counting. Here’s Kristina:

Since I was a teenager, I wanted to be a foster parent some day. I have fostered around 15 children and adopted 5. I currently have my 5, plus 2 foster children.

I have never given birth, never wanted to, and never plan to. I built a wonderful family, through the sad loss of other families. It’s difficult to celebrate sometimes, knowing the loss each child and their family endured to bring them to me.  

My children are all from local families, within my own city. They came from families with mental, emotional, and substance problems, and the illnesses that made their first parents unable to care for them are part of a bigger social problem that is taking over our country. We are disconnected. As a society, we are too disconnected. Drug and alcohol addiction is a symptom of this every increasing disconnect.

As I was granted my most recent adoption and sat with my son’s birth father, seeing how ill he was, all I felt was concern, caring, worry. I worried that this man would not get better. I worried that we would be attending his funeral long before their grandparents. This man was not a bad person. He was just sick. I hugged him. I thanked his mother. I told them I hoped he got better soon. I meant every word. Their willingness to not fight our adoption allowed me to spend the rest of their lives being the boy’s mother.

My son walked in the day after the papers were signed and said, “I’m YOUR son, mom.”

We celebrate daily in our own little ways, but I must never forget the loss that brought my children to me. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me humble. It gives me grace.

Here’s the other saint, Leslie:

We have adopted five kids (only two biologically related to each other) from foster care, at ages ranging from 8 to 14. They are now 25 to almost 47, and the older four are all functioning adult members of society, maintaining relationships, holding jobs, and raising their own kids—outcomes they assure me have a lot to do with having been adopted by us. All of them have some degree of fetal alcohol issues, as well as histories of abuse, neglect, and, in one case, a previous failed adoption.

Reuters

This reader’s story of building a family has a dramatic series of ups and downs:

At first I wanted to be silent about my story, but I realized I want to live my truth out in the open. And if I speak up, it might help other families that are struggling in a similar way.

In 2004, I had an unplanned pregnancy and did not want to have children. I was going to a Bioengineering Ph.D. program in Hawaii after my graduation and also getting divorced from my first Russian husband (I am Russian too). So I considered terminating my pregnancy.

Luckily, I decided to keep my baby, and now I have a loving and musically talented 11-year-old son. But I had to give up Hawaii, choosing to become a single working mom (though my degree in biochemistry helped). I always felt guilty that I almost chose to end his life. That is how I became pro-life.

I re-married in 2008 and had two biological children, followed by a miscarriage. I wanted to adopt and was devastated when our adoption did not work out. It is a long and very painful story in itself—one that others judge me for, and some of my friends became my enemies.

Below is an excerpt from that blog post, which chronicles her agonizing process of un-adopting a pair of destitute and deeply traumatized—and traumatizing— young kids:

[My adopted daughter] constantly pushed her boundaries and challenged my authority. She pooped and peed on the floor, destroyed her toys and made holes in her clothes with teeth. She seemed to thrive on chaos and our family’s unhappiness.

Being an intelligent and social little girl, she was getting a lot of attention from strangers, and without any reservation, she would hop on their lap or kiss them. I explained to her that those behaviors are not safe and appropriate, but she continued doing it just to make me angry.

I also noticed that my daughter started hurting my baby behind my back. Once I was in a different room and heard strange noises, and when I walked into the living room, I saw her covering the baby’s mouth and nose. After that, I always carried my baby in a carrier on my chest.

Read the whole story here. (If you have your own experience with a failed adoption you’d like to share, please let us know.) Back to the embryo adoption:

After my failed adoption and miscarriage, and witnessing my father’s death, I was in a very dark place. We tried to have a biological baby again, but I was not conceiving—probably due to all the stress and grief. I went to a fertility clinic and was given a few options.

I chose embryo adoption for multiple reasons. A year after our traditional adoption failed, I wanted another child, and embryo adoption gave us a chance to adopt again but avoid the trauma of mother-child separation from a traditional adoption—which clearly did not work for us.

I did not consider egg donation because my goal was different; I wanted to adopt an embryo that was already created. There are more than a million embryos in storage in this country and, of course, there are ethical questions as what to do with them. I believe that frozen embryos are alive and have a human potential. So my solution would be: Fertilize only as many eggs as women want to transfer and keep the rest frozen. After all, it is a lot less ethically problematic to discard non-fertilized eggs than embryos. (Though yes, it might lead to a lower success rate of pregnancy.)

I chose an anonymous adoption, and the embryo had been frozen for a little less than four years. I am very happy with my decision; I felt it was “meant to be.”