I’m about as politically correct a person as you can imagine, but I refuse to pretend that there is nothing a woman can do to make rape less likely. Staying in control of one’s faculties may not prevent all attacks, but it will make them less likely to happen. Rapists choose their victims for their vulnerability, and a woman fully aware of her own surroundings is safer than one who is drunk—not absolutely safe, but certainly safer.

I’ve lived near a major college for a very long time, and there is no question that alcohol abuse is involved in almost every case of campus rape, whether it’s stranger rape or acquaintance rape. [CB note: “almost every case” is very unlikely; “At least 50% of college student sexual assaults are associated with alcohol use,” according to Campus Safety magazine, which provides more data here.] Alcohol also been involved in a number of cases of murder here. Most recently one drunken student stabbed another drunken student to death because of something nasty one said to the other as they left a bar.  

That does not mean that I believe that women who are drunk “asked for it” or that drunken rapists are not responsible for their behavior or that the guy who was murdered “asked for it” because he was drunk and said something he shouldn’t have. I am repulsed by the judge in California who apparently believed that the Stanford swimmer was not responsible for committing rape because he was drunk and that an unconscious woman gave consent.

A lot of children begin to drink dangerously long before they go off to college. More begin to do it when they leave home for college or once they are out of high school and working. Too often, I’ve heard other parents talk about their children’s drunken behavior with a rueful sense of inevitability. Don’t laugh about it, and even more importantly, look at your own behavior and the behavior of adults close to you. Children learn from the behavior that is modeled in front of them. Be sure you are a good role model and don’t excuse the behavior of your family and friends. Be honest with your children. Every single adult alcoholic or drug abuser was once a child who learned from the behavior of others. It’s not enough to just say no; you need to make sure you are modeling healthy behavior yourself.

Finally, I’d add to my own children if they were going off to college now: Stay away from large, drunken parties and fraternity houses that are often the site of those parties. Believe it or not, you do not have to participate in the drunken behavior and most students don’t. Even at a large party school, there are many students who don’t spend their time drunk and stoned. Choose friends who don’t drink to get falling-down drunk every weekend. And if you are the person getting drunk all the time, admit that you have a problem that needs to be addressed and either change the behavior. If you can't change the behavior on your own, get help. It is not normal behavior to spend every weekend drunk or stoned.

Renie followed up:

I realize I was writing as a mother of two daughters and left out much of what we must say to our sons. First of all, fathers as well as mothers need to talk to their children about difficult topics. Just as women can talk about a woman’s perspective with more knowledge about women, so can fathers talk better about men and sex.

And both need to talk very frankly with their children that consent is required at any point in a sexual encounter. No consent means: time to stop. It doesn’t matter at what point. And consent requires that a partner be able to consent. If a woman passes out during a sexual encounter, that means stop now. The judge in the Stanford case clearly had not learned that lesson. (Along with that discussion, it’s important to also discuss the role of pornography in normalizing rape.)

And, finally, for both young men and young women, we need to let them know about the joy of sex in a loving relationship. I’m not saying “no sex before marriage”; what I am saying is that sex between two people who know each other and care for each other and want to please each other and be pleased is so much better than drunken encounters, even if rape is not involved.

Another reader also warns against drunken encounters:

I don’t have kids, but my alma mater is being audited by the Department of Education for its handling of allegations of sexual assault on campus, so I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. There’s no question that alcohol needs to be addressed in the conversation—not in terms of promiscuity or “hook up culture,” but in terms of rape. Most of the reader comments I’ve read so far focus on building empathy and respect (all well and good), but at some point you have to say, “If you have sex with someone who is intoxicated, you’re committing rape and you should know that you can be prosecuted for that.”

Part of what makes Turner’s case exceptional is that it’s so clear cut, but there are many other cases where there aren’t witnesses or the woman isn’t unconscious. I can’t tell you how often I heard in college some variation of “I hooked up with so-and-so last night when we were so drunk.” I really wish that during college orientation someone had laid out exactly what constituted consent and rape—namely, that someone who is intoxicated can’t consent to sex, and that if you can’t tell if someone is too intoxicated to consent, you shouldn’t have sex with them.

***

A reader recalls a horrible experience:

Almost 15 years ago, when I was a freshman in college, I was raped by a classmate. But unlike the woman in the Stanford case, I didn’t report it.

I had been drinking at a campus-wide party that night and a small group eventually moved to the dorm room of someone everyone knew, someone I trusted. I remember him plying me with shots of expensive vodka: “See, you can’t even taste it!”

And then, suddenly, everyone was gone, and only the two of us remained. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said “sure.” I must have passed out soon after; I couldn’t tell you which movie he selected.

When I regained consciousness, he was having sex with me, without a condom, muttering to himself about how much he liked it. When he went to roll over, I grabbed my things and ran. I crawled into the window of my own dorm room and then collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. My roommate woke up and, not knowing what to do, called another friend. Together they sat with me and comforted me until I was ready to talk.

And eventually I did talk, but only to them. At that time, my understanding was that rape involved force and not just lack of consent. He didn’t hold me down when I tried to run away, I told myself. And maybe I had given him some idea that I was interested. I did stay behind, I agreed to watch a movie. Was this really rape?

If I ever had a case that it was rape, I blew it with my next move: I went on a date with him. He asked me to dinner and I agreed, but the date ended without even a kiss goodnight. My repulsion of him did not ebb over that plate of pasta.

In the years since, I have puzzled over this. Why would I agree to go on a date with this man? What on earth was I thinking?

The best answer I can give is that I didn’t want to be a rape victim. At that time, I had only had sex with one other person. I didn’t want my second sexual encounter to be a rape. I wanted to believe that he cared about me. I wanted it to all be a big misunderstanding.

But it wasn’t a misunderstanding. I learned later that there were other girls—girls that came before me and girls that came after. Yet no one ever said a thing. Our perpetrator kept perpetrating and we kept blaming ourselves.

I am so proud of the brave young woman at the center of the Stanford case, for speaking up and telling her story, for doing what my classmates and I did not have the courage to do 15 years ago.

I also hope they wrap her in the courage to know that even if she encounters a bigger, stronger, perhaps karate-trained villain(s) who wound or outnumber her, she is not at fault. It is never the victim's responsibility to prevent rape or any other assault.

It is also important to teach our children that while there may be a time to fight, it is equally important to learn when to run if able, or when to remain still and quiet to survive to tell your story, even if you wished to die during the fight. Those are all equally noble and wise choices.  

Victims can’t prevent rape. Part of being a victim is being stripped of choices. Victims and their parents are usually only left with choice in how to respond to—and survive— the reality that they are now part of the unfortunate one-in-six statistic. (And as noted by other readers, the perpetrator isn’t always a stranger.)

And if she is successful, still wrap her in comfort; she'll need it because she is a survivor of attempted rape.

The idea that teaching self-defense could somehow shield a woman from sexual assault is a controversial one. And it teeters dangerously close to victim blaming—that is, the implication that it was the victim’s responsibility to prevent the crime (see also: concerns about the victim’s dress or level of alcohol consumption).

In an open letter to the victim in the Stanford case posted by BuzzFeed, Vice President Biden writes, “I join your global chorus of supporters, because we can never say enough to survivors: I believe you. It is not your fault.” He continues:

What you endured is never, never, never, NEVER a woman’s fault. [...]

We will speak to change the culture on our college campuses — a culture that continues to ask the wrong questions: What were you wearing?

Why were you there? What did you say? How much did you drink?

Instead of asking: Why did he think he had license to rape?

Both my boys tell me their friends do not talk to their parents as my boys talk to me. I smile and feel good when I hear this. I have tried to model parenting as you suggest. I talk about integrity and honesty often with my boys. I point out examples of integrity and the lack of integrity in the news. Sadly, integrity is lacking all too often.

I believe our children can handle real, sad, impactful aspects of life most of us face directly or experience via friends along our path. Every time my boys go to a party, even if nearby, I look at them and say, “Be smart.”

I tell my boys I love them often. When our children know they are loved, they are more likely to talk to their parents.

So far, so good …

A few organizations back up his suggestion: “Discussing and listening to teens can build mutual trust,” the Orange County Rape Crisis Center advises parents on talking to teens about sexual violence. The organization offers a list of seven “messages to share with your teens,”broaching everything from dating and sex to consent and sexual assault. Check out their full list here.

Here’s another reader, who also encourages parents to pursue difficult conversations with their teens:

As with so many things, conversations regarding respect for women and girls must be repeated over time. Unfortunately, the news will provide many teachable moments on this subject.

When my son was in middle school, there was a story on the radio about a local woman who was beaten, and I talked to my appalled son about how unacceptable that behavior is. Then, there was the teenage girl who'd been kidnapped for a number of months and was found alive across the street from our home. We discussed the many things that were wrong with that situation as the case went through the courts. It can be difficult to keep these conversations age appropriate, but in general, details aren't necessary.

My son is now 17-year-old gentleman who will enter college a year from now. We have discussed the Stanford case and consent. As he's gotten older, I’ve asked more questions. By his answers, I can tell he really gets it and is fully capable of moral reasoning.

These aren't the easiest conversations, especially the first one, but you can't teach your values without having these conversations.

Another parent of a teenage boy weighs in:

I repeatedly have talks with my 14-year-old son about sex, love and women. I have told him that sex is one of the best parts of life, but that you need to be old enough and ready to bear the responsibilities. I have told him that birth control is his responsibility, no one else’s. I have repeatedly explained that it is the female’s duty to consent. If she doesn’t say yes, she means no. Do not take anything for granted. Be sure that you both want the same things. Try not to get carried away by your emotions and desires. Do not assume anything.

Soon, I will begin to talk to him about alcohol and how it can impair judgment, not that it is in any way an excuse. It, however, bears discussion.

An important note on that reader’s email: It is not always “the female’s duty to consent.” For instance, under California’s new “yes means yes” consent law, that responsibility lies on both participants in the act, regardless of gender. From the Associated Press’s 2015 report on the law:

Under a “yes means yes” standard, sexual activity is considered consensual only when both partners clearly state their willingness to participate through “affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement” at every stage.

Here’s Stop It Now!, a nonprofit aimed at preventing child sexual abuse, with some advice on talking to teens—male or female—about consent:

Teens need information not only about child sexual abuse but also about the laws of consent in their state. As our judicial system holds more teens responsible as adults, there are significant and long-lasting results for teens who engage in illegal sexual behaviors, even with other teens who are close in age. “I know you and your girlfriend love each other but you are 19 years old and she is 15 and that makes being sexual with each other illegal. If she gets pregnant or her parents press charges, you could have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. It is important for both of you to wait until you are older.”

The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services offers a state-by-state breakdown of “age of consent laws.”

Have advice of your own? Let us know.

The writer, Patty Onderko, backs up our reader’s assertion about the most common source of sexual abuse: “80 to 90 percent of abuse is committed not by strangers but by someone the child knows well—and possibly loves.” Here’s some expert advice via Onderko:

Don’t keep secrets.

Sex abusers almost always manipulate the children they molest through secrets. They’ll tell kids, “This is our secret. You can’t tell your mom because she’ll be very mad at you.” Remind your child frequently that no adult should ever ask her to keep secrets. And that includes you. “If you keep a secret with your child, it confuses the message that it’s not okay for other grown-ups to do,” says [Char Rivette, executive director of the Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center].

Continued here. If you have any insight into this particular kind of abuse, please let us know. Update from reader Jennifer:

Another great resource is Darkness to Light, which presents the Stewards of Children training on ways to prevent child sexual abuse.

It talks about talking to your children in age appropriate ways as an important first step. Yes, talk to your kids about not keeping secrets. But also talk to them about bodily autonomy. Things that may seem innocuous (tickling a child when he says stop, hugging a child when she doesn’t want to) sends the message that they don’t have control over their bodies. Respect those boundaries.

The training also talks about minimizing opportunities and best practices for schools and churches to utilize to prevent opportunities for sexual abuse to occur (e.g. minimizing the amount of time where one adult is alone with one child). I've taken the training and I can’t recommend it enough for anyone who has children in their lives.

Another reader, Jack, recommends a children’s book called Sex is a Funny Word: “It’s an excellent sex-ed book for kids written by Cory Silverberg with a really powerful chapter about Secret Touch.”

Actually, we all study Karate together. The dojo is run by a very strong woman, who teaches us all about how we carry ourselves, awareness of our surroundings, and mild/medium/hot responses to threats.

This is not about hating men, or instilling fear in our daughter. It’s about how we need to be aware that there are dangers out there, and we need to be prepared for them. It’s the same reason she is learning how to swim.

I don’t feel a gun would be the answer for her future safety. A gun can be taken from you. What my daughter is learning can’t be taken from her.

The power of NO is something both genders need to learn and respect. But, we are also teaching our daughter that if NO isn’t sufficient, then NO and a good joint lock probably will be.

When she is old enough we will then talk about the role of drugs and alcohol in safety. But since she’s only ten, neither my wife or I are ready for that can of worms as yet.

Understanding consent at a young age is formative for all kinds of adult relationships: For example, if a friend wants to quit a game because he's losing or is being a poor sport that's fine, but you tell him that you don't like the way he quit and next time you won't play that game with him again.

These are basic yet very important social skills that are the building blocks of developing empathy and self-worth. This is teaching children to have boundaries and stand up for themselves and others. In the pre-teen and teen years it's important to explicitly explain how this pertains to sex, yet the main idea remains the same.

Here’s another parent of young daughter:

We have a 4-year-old and have taught her the following (applicable to any sort of situation): “Just because you ask nicely doesn't mean the person has to say yes, and just because someone asks you nicely doesn't mean you have to say yes.”

Right now, that mainly covers sharing toys, having cookies and screen time, and not going to bed, but our hope is that, by the time she is old enough for sexual consent to be an issue, she will have internalized that she doesn't have to feel pressured by polite-but-entitled boys (or girls).

In an interview with my colleague Adrienne LaFrance, Scott Berkowitz—the founder and president of RAINN—offered the following advice: “When speaking to a national audience or the general public, we strongly encourage parents to have those conversations starting at the age when their kids are starting to spend more time with friends out of the home, and start to be in social situations that could turn dangerous... even if it’s before the parents think [it’s appropriate for their child to be sexually active].” (Adrienne spoke with Berkowitz for her piece on what happens when people stop talking about the Stanford rape case.) RAINN’s guide on talking to kids about sexual assault recommends that parents “teach young children the language they need to talk about their bodies and information about boundaries to help them understand what is allowed and what is inappropriate.”

Another good resource is The Huffington Post's "list of parenting action items" for talking about consent, including kids under 5. Have other recommendations of resources for teaching consent specifically? Let us know.

Crystal Holsinger, the mother of two daughters under age 4, says she started teaching consent to her girls “from the day they were born”:  

While I do think it is important to address sexual assault and rape at a certain point with children and young adults, I believe that teaching consent starts at birth. An example would be when a person asks me to hold our baby. It may seem silly, but I say, “Ask her.” If they do, and she reaches out for them, great. If they try to and she is upset, then she stays with me. A person’s body is theirs, at one day old or 50 years old.

Another example is with our 3-year-old. We never force physical affection. If she doesn't want to hug her grandparents, uncle, or whomever, then we respect that. We also teach (demonstrate) for her that if another person doesn't want to hug, hold hands, or high five, then it's their choice. Their body, their choice.

We have had friends who try to force our child to hug theirs (often a boy) because they think it's cute. We have to reaffirm that no one ever should feel pressured into that.

Before our girls were born, I taught middle-school sexual health education and wove consent into the discussion every day. What does consent look like, sound like, feel like? I took a more direct approach with the 7th and 8th grade years, and went into how drinking and drugs come into play.

Have you talked to your preteen about consent? Have thoughts about how consent should be taught in schools? Drop us a note.

Their interactions with other children, adults, and authority figures provided lots of opportunities to discuss power and control, bullies, and consent. Having this type of dialogue with them when they were very young kept the discussion open for them to discuss relationships, things they saw on television, heard or saw their friends do, or even things they said or did. My husband and I taught them empathy and the value of others. 

Their lives offered many teachable moments to talk about sex, love, assault, rape. And we taught them how to de-escalate situations, as well as the importance of intervention if a situation wasn’t safe or someone was in danger of hurting themselves or others.

When my son was a sophomore in college, it became important to share my own experience with him after someone he knew at his college was accused of raping another student. He was trying to process who he believed, and—despite all our teaching—I heard him practically recite every rape myth about drinking: The guy was a good guy, well liked, the girl messed up the guy's life, it was consensual … and the belief that he needed to judge the truth.

It became important for me to share my own story with my daughter before she went to college last year because, quite frankly, I was a mess and needed to explain what appeared to be very irrational behavior. However, my daughter had already read on my blog that I had been raped, so it went much smoother than my discussion with my son. 

I believe we have made it clear to them that, while we would support them no matter what they have done, they will be encouraged to tell the truth. We won’t lie for them. They should expect consequences for their behavior and understand the importance of apologizing to the satisfaction of the harmed. They should seek forgiveness but can’t force forgiveness.