Notes

First Drafts, Conversations, Stories in Progress

Who Takes Care of the Kids?
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Readers and others discuss the changing norms of parental caregiving based on gender. If you have your own experience to share, let us know: hello@theatlantic.com.

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When Husbands Take the Lead With Kids, Cont'd

A reader laments:

As a dad, I’m generally assumed by the world to be less competent at parenting. When I’m out and have the kids with me, I often get compliments on the apparently enormous achievement of being a dad capable of shopping with children (I’m sure almost any dad can relate).

One extension of this unequal treatment that I don’t often see discussed is that other people (usually women) constantly question my knowledge or choices as a parent. I can’t tell you how many times someone has “corrected” a parenting choice, or said, “why don't you just ask mom” if I hesitate for even a second in answering a question to do with my children. They do not behave this way with my wife; they assume that she is innately capable because she’s a mom.

So your reader’s husband may simply be responding to the feedback he receives from the rest of the world that he is not, in fact, an equal parent in their eyes.

Another dad can relate:

Josh Levs wrote a thought-provoking piece for us last week insisting that “‘primary’ caregiver benefits sound gender-neutral but aren’t,” making the case that companies should drop the “primary caregiver” distinction because it’s based on traditional stereotypes that presume one parent—the mother by default—is mostly responsible for parenting. A reader responds:

What the author calls stereotype, I call a Bayesian prior. Without Bayesian priors, nothing really works. The idea that a woman is more likely to be primary caregiver than the man:

1) Isn’t always true
2) Is true enough for a company to use that as a prior.

Welcome to Life, where everything isn’t all equally likely for our convenience.

Another reader is on the same page:

Some people still don’t understand that free enterprise businesses in a capitalist economy aren’t charity organizations; they are in competition with one another.