Emmys for ... Vegetables!?

Kale, left, wearing peanut butter, right (Cliff Owen / AP)

On Sunday evening a television show celebrated the creators of television shows, which are long internet videos. There were beautiful people dressed as nicely as they could dress, and they applauded for one another, and they delivered to us a broadcast that sustained many expensive commercials to support the continued success of television. But as a health guy, one thing struck me: why are there no Emmys for vegetables?

Vegetables are there for us day in and day out. Eating vegetables is even better for us than watching television. Reminding people that the CDC recommends consuming two to three cups of vegetables every single day for optimal health—and that 87 percent of Americans are not meeting that eating goal—makes me feel like a bore. There are only so many times you can yell “vegetables” on a train. There are only so many news stories reminding people that eating vegetables puts you on a road to almost every desirable bodily end. That’s old news, so media devolves into covering things that are more “exciting,” like cryotherapy or bone broth. But if there were Emmys for vegetables, and all the celebrities gathered at a theater looking dapper and sexually vibrant and eating vegetables, well, that would be an excuse to talk about our favorite vegetables for a day. Maybe 87 percent could become 85 or even, fingers crossed, 84 percent.

So, I did some quick polling, and here are the results for this year’s Emmys for vegetables.

Best Leaf:

Spinach

Best Daytime Vegetable:

Sugar snap peas

Best Carrots:

Baby carrots

[This is the first win for baby carrots, which are really just regular carrots.]

Best Rabe:

Broccoli

Most Overrated Vegetable:

Kale

Best “Bacon-Flavored” Vegetable:

Dulse

Best Way to Get Vegetables:

Grow them

Lifetime Achievement:

Iceberg lettuce

Best Foreign Vegetable:

Kohlrabi

Best Non-Vegetable:

Sea bass

[This is a big win for sea bass; for the last 11 imagined years, the winner has been tomatoes. Green peppers have been nominated every year, but have never won.]