On Sunday evening a television show celebrated the creators of television shows, which are long internet videos. There were beautiful people dressed as nicely as they could dress, and they applauded for one another, and they delivered to us a broadcast that sustained many expensive commercials to support the continued success of television. But as a health guy, one thing struck me: why are there no Emmys for vegetables?
Vegetables are there for us day in and day out. Eating vegetables is even better for us than watching television. Reminding people that the CDC recommends consuming two to three cups of vegetables every single day for optimal health—and that 87 percent of Americans are not meeting that eating goal—makes me feel like a bore. There are only so many times you can yell “vegetables” on a train. There are only so many news stories reminding people that eating vegetables puts you on a road to almost every desirable bodily end. That’s old news, so media devolves into covering things that are more “exciting,” like cryotherapy or bone broth. But if there were Emmys for vegetables, and all the celebrities gathered at a theater looking dapper and sexually vibrant and eating vegetables, well, that would be an excuse to talk about our favorite vegetables for a day. Maybe 87 percent could become 85 or even, fingers crossed, 84 percent.
So, I did some quick polling, and here are the results for this year’s Emmys for vegetables.
Best Daytime Vegetable:
Sugar snap peas
[This is the first win for baby carrots, which are really just regular carrots.]
Most Overrated Vegetable:
Best “Bacon-Flavored” Vegetable:
Best Way to Get Vegetables:
Best Foreign Vegetable:
[This is a big win for sea bass; for the last 11 imagined years, the winner has been tomatoes. Green peppers have been nominated every year, but have never won.]