Super Bowl XLVIII Was the Super Bowl of Conspiracy Theories

Is Bruno Mars a secret member of the Illuminati? Let's look at the evidence.

This article is from the archive of our partner .

Is Bruno Mars a secret member of the Illuminati? Let's look at the evidence.

In the "yes, he is" column, we have the fact that Mr. Mars headlined the 2014 Super Bowl Halftime show, which as everyone knows is a showcase for Illuminati members and their teachings, i.e. most of the celebrities. That's convincing enough, so we're not even going to bother to look at the arguments against the obvious conclusion that Mars's performance was full of proof.

The performance, as Mark Dice explained on Infowars, was "one big sex magic promotion." Sex magic (or "magik"), of course, refers to the Illuminati practice of harnessing the magic(k!) of sexual arousal to ascend to a different plane of reality, where you can then alter how you experience the world. And Mars was full of Magic(k) last night. Double goes for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who released an entire album called Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Plus, former Chili Pepper Dave Navarro also has a bunch of suspicious tattoos, which proves that he's at least a Freemason. (The two groups are distinct, but basically serve as the basis for the same conspiracy theories at this point, including ideas about lizard-like humanoids running our government. Maybe that's why he left the band.)

Dice, and other conspiracy theorists, believe that pretty much every Super Bowl halftime show is a big Illuminati showcase/mass mind control event, but described this year as "a little more subtle" than, say, Beyoncé's or Madonna and Nicki Minaj's (whom Dice calls "Niki Gar-bage"). This might be because Dice seems to have particularly strong words when it comes to female performers — his nicknames for Madonna are not very pleasant — making their performances more jarring for America's lead Illuminati watcher.

But Bruno Mars clearly belongs to the Illuminati because he did an episode of The Cleveland Show where he sang with other well-known Illuminati artists about being in the Illuminati. This was definitely not a joke. Plus, "Locked out of Heaven" is apparently about Satan (whom, of course, the Illuminati worship as part of the Occult), and Mars displayed a bunch of triangles on stage. All in the name of the coming New World Order.

But Illuminati theory wasn't the only big idea on display last night. There were truthers! Or, rather, one truther. An "independent journalist" rushed the stage of a post-game press conference talk about September 11. Matthew Mills, 30, said he "just saw my opportunity to get my word out there and I took it," grabbing the mic and declaring that the 9/11 attacks were "perpetrated by people in our own government."

The biggest events always bring out the best in the demonic overlords who control our planet's destiny, as well as the people who are on their game.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.