Weiner, going by what he's told women in the past, is obviously not gay. But this brings us to this necessary question: What makes pants gay? Are they born that way? Nature or is it nurture? Is the pant or the wearer that makes it gay?
In January of last year, Barney's Simon Doonan made the assertion that inanimate, particularly food, can be gay. Doonan said that gay food is lighter, brighter, more artistic, art-directed and lesbian or heterosexual food is heavier, droopier, burlier. An easy way to think about is sushi to a smothered burrito. To that, Scarborough noted this morning that he believes that color has a determining effect on the gayness of a pant and that the Nantucket Red pantone made his pants homosexual. Weiner noticed this effect too, but a Weiner campaign staffer noted that fit is just as key as color:
"How do I look?" Weiner asked a gay campaign staffer.
Without missing a beat, the staffer responded, "Well, your pants could be tighter."
Using those metrics: fit, cut, burliness, and color, we've come up with a completely unscientific Kinsey scale of pant homosexuality. Mind you, each subset of each Kinsey category has its outliers and there my be variances determined by the tightness of the pant:
Kinsey 0: "Exclusively heterosexual."
The Pant: The Dad Jean
"Look at that hot guy in dad jeans," said no one ever. The dad jean is the least homosexual pant on the planet. It fails to meet the gay criteria on all fronts—fit is minimal, burliness is expansive, and color, oh that color. The unforgiving dad jean is indiscriminate in embarrassing its wearer—both President Obama and Mitt Romney, who are dads, were seen wearing dad jeans on the campaign trail. Both were chastised accordingly.
Kinsey 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual."
The Pant: The Pleated Khaki
The pleated khaki is such a heterosexual, unstylish pant that both heterosexuals and homosexuals have sworn them off.
Kinsey 2: "Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual."
The Pant: The Cargo Pant
The cargo pant is a strange animal. Men do not need more than four pockets. Some men don't even need more than two. Yet cargo pants are armed with five-six pockets. And some men think it necessary to fill these pockets up, which creates a lumpy aesthetic. Gay pants are not lumpy.
Kinsey 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual
The Pant: Trousers/Slacks/Dress Pants
Trousers are the equal opportunity pant. Since they're business attire, the color variation is pretty limited. What determines whether or not a trouser is gay is fit which can be either very forgiving or cruel to a man's backside. Make no mistake, these pants can be very gay—and it's no coincidence that a (warning: TOTALLY NSFW) genre of gay porn dedicated specifically to suits and formal work attire.
Kinsey 4: Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual.
The Pant: The Chino