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April Fools' Day News Stories That Weren't Jokes but Should Have Been

On a day full of enough bad jokes across the Web, and stunts from Google, and accidents in newspapers, and horrifying bunnies at the White House, these nine stories cut through the debate on April Fool's Day — whether they seemed fake or not, believe it: They were just patently absurd enough headlines from our world to be the actual news of April 1, 2013.

By Connor Simpson
This article is from the archive of our partner .

It is sometimes a parallel universe, this world of ours, and while we seek every day to bring you truth beyond the headlines and the conversations behind the news, well, today the stars aligned somewhere between surreal and real. On a day full of enough bad jokes across the Web, and stunts from Google, and accidents in newspapers, and horrifying bunnies at the White House, these nine stories cut through the debate on April Fool's Day — whether they seemed fake or not, believe it: They were just patently absurd enough headlines from our world to be the actual news of April 1, 2013.

Sean Parker's Dream Wedding Isn't a Game of Thrones Theme Party, Thank You Very Much

Just when we were hoping for more details than HBO offered with Sunday's return to the realm, the Napster founder and Facebook conspirator (not pictured above) found himself fighting back Monday against reports that his June wedding to musician Alexandra Lenas would be some sort of medieval costume party. The New York Post's article (which also does not picture Parker) could "exclusively reveal" the following, according to "one source":

“There will be some kind of medieval theme, and guests will each get their own costumier. It’s not yet fully decided what the costumes will be like, the theme is supposed to fit in with the environment and the natural beauty of the area. But, yes, there is a chance the wedding could end up looking like an episode of ‘Game of Thrones.’ ”

But that's apparently not the case, according to Parker. "Sorry to disappoint, but the wardrobe we're giving wedding guests is essentially modern. No swords or chain mail," he tweeted Monday afternoon. But then Parker continued:

Just because we don't trust our guests to dress themselves properly doesn't mean we want them to look like Game of Thrones characters. This is not a "theme" wedding, and there will be nothing medieval about it. Academy award winning costume designer Ngila Dickson is creating gorgeous, inspiring, and unique designs that are both modern and whimsical.

Dickson won an Academy award for her work on Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. You may also be familiar with her work on Tom Cruise's The Last Samurai, or Xena: The Warrior Princess, the Hercules television show with Kevin Sarbo that reminds everyone of Game of Thrones.

Lady Gage Turned Down $1 Million to Perform at the Republican National Convention

The Washington Examiner reported on a new lawsuit late Sunday proving that Lady Gaga was floated a seven-figure pay check to perform at the RNC last summer. Rob Jennings, the guy in charge of booking entertainment for the weekend, "was instructed... to try to make the offer to Lady Gaga more tempting by telling her it would be an event 'honoring women who run for public office,'" the Examiner reported. Gaga turned them down, and so did Pitbull, Dolly Parton, Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls, according to this lawsuit we found. Why the promoter thought booking a mini-Lillith Fair at the Republican convention was a good idea was never explained, unfortunately. Maybe it was on direct orders from Reince Priebus.

Bryce Harper Hit Two Home Runs on Opening Day

Because he's that good and the Nationals will probably ruin him. His swing is pretty like the girl you went to the sock hop with.

(Photos by Alex Brandon/AP)

Chris Brown Appeared on the Today Show, "Proving Myself Once Again"

The battle-happy singer went on NBC's embattled morning program, ostensibly to promote his new single, but mostly to forgive himself for beating Rihanna, talk about all the "positivity" in his life, insist that he is fighting to "regain, you know, public opinion or whatever it is," and wear a funny shirt. "I can't make everybody like me," he told Matt Lauer. Go away, Chris Brown — no one likes you.

MTV Buckwild Star Shain Gandee Was Found Dead in the Back of a Truck in West Virginia

Gandee was discovered with his uncle and one other person deceased in the back of his vehicle. Regardless of what you think of MTV and its horrible, exploiting brand of television, the kid was only 21 years old. No one wants to see that.

Everything About Alanis Morissette's New Book 

It's just an aside in this Wall Street Journal concert review, but the "Ironic" singer is working on a book and it sounds all kinds of awful. The book will be "transpersonal psychology meets autobiography, with a little humor thrown in, I hope," she tells the Journal. Gag me with spoon, I guess, though what I really need is a knife.

The German Flea Circus Has Been Ravaged by Tragedy

A terrible cold snap killed all 300 performers in a German flea circus, BBC News reports. Right now the promoter is working with a depleted roster of about 60 fleas donated by a professer. "The show must go on," the promoter told the BBC.

A Georgia Republican Said Straight People Will Get Fake Gay Married for the Benefits

Straight people should just shut up already, about everything, before another person says something as stupid as Sue Everhart. She is the chairwoman of the Georgia Republican Party and she does not like gay people. They are "not natural," she told the Marietta Daily Journal before explaining some of the perils of legalizing gay marriage. Chief among the problems? Straight people working the system for benefits:

“You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow,” Everhart said. “Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you’re gay, and y’all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits? I just see so much abuse in this it’s unreal. I believe a husband and a wife should be a man and a woman, the benefits should be for a man and a woman. There is no way that this is about equality. To me, it’s all about a free ride.” 

Straight people saying things, y'all.

And Then There's This...

Today can't be over fast enough.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.