Proud Princeton alumna and super proud Princeton parent Susan A. Patton has some advice for the ladies at Princeton on the letters-to-the-editor page of today's Daily Princetonian: "Find a husband on campus before you graduate," which is obviously terrible advice since there are much better elitist institutions in which to go rich husband hunting — and right in the Ivy League! "For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you," Patton writes, suggesting that a smart Princeton gal will have the best chances of finding her "intellectual equal" in a concentrated environment of highly educated elitists like Princeton. Which, sure, but why aim for an "intellectual equal" when you can get so much more?
Princeton, one of the smaller Ivies, doesn't have a business, law, or medical school, which everyone knows are the real gold mines of eligible sugar husbands, for grad students or undergrad ladies. That metric also rules out the Dartmouth, which has no law school and is also very small but, well, if faced with a choice it would still behoove you ladies to pick a future Big Green grad over a Tiger... because at least you'd know your hubbie could do some keg stands with a little dignity.*
That leaves the other six Ivies: Cornell, Brown, Columbia, Penn, Harvard, and Yale. Cornell is basically a public school, so that's out. Of course all the 18-year-old aspiring iBankers head off to Penn, which makes it an intriguing choice for the gold digger set, but do you really want to marry someone with an inferiority complex? They say Yale's the "gay Ivy," and while that title could fit at a number of the Ivies, probably, Will Portman does go there and you don't want to take your chances and end up married with three kids and a husband who sleeps in the other room, now do you, ladies?
You don't really want to fight with all those Barnard girls over Columbia's slim (largely Asian, gay, and Jewish) pickings, so that leaves you with Harvard and Brown. Harvard is very enticing, for all the obvious reasons. Harvard's grad pool has it all: money, power, fame, heirs, Bush relatives. Then again, that "hipster" Ivy has all the cutest baddest artsy boys, which is all that really matters. So: Brown?
Or, you know, you could just go to one of the most prestigious universities in the world to learn things.
(Full disclosure: I went to Penn and, despite trying my hardest, did not find a husband there.)
*This post originally suggested that Dartmouth has no business or medical school.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.