An internal disciplinary report obtained by CNN shows how the FBI has had to either suspend or fire numerous employees for things like sexting, spying on their bosses, and getting "happy endings" at a massage parlor. Obviously, it's pretty terrible for anyone to do things like send dirty text messages on company-issued phones, but it's really not smart when your boss is the FBI—who makes a living watching people closely.
The internal report doesn't name any actual agents, but in an effort to warn off other employees who might be considering questionable conduct, the report outlines the offenses agents committed over the past year, like this employee who totally made the office awkward with nude selfies:
Office gossip in the FBI sounds pretty brilliant ... Aaron Sorkin, are you listening? You'll notice that a 10-day suspension for dirty texting is pretty consistent with similar offenses.
Though, sexting without pictures on a government-issued Blackberry halves the suspension time:
And here's what we're probably all a little guilty of:
Not all the offenses involve office romances or snooping on your coworkers, which probably rank toward the sillier end of the spectrum. There's also this dolt who paid for sex, which is illegal, yet only led to four more days of suspension than the vindictive ex and the most awkward person in the office:
Or did you hear about the one about the FBI agent who spied on his boss?
Or, the one who knowing married a drug dealer:
The takeaway here is that the FBI, which is supposed to be the leading an example for the whole United States, has its own share of embarrassing coworkers too. "From 2010 to 2012, the FBI disciplined 1,045 employees for a variety of violations, according to the agency. Eighty-five were fired." reports CNN, Yet, the report points out that this is actually pretty good compared with the rest of the federal government. "It is important to note that the ratio of disciplinary issues among FBI agents are among the lowest in the federal government and private sector," said Konrad Motyka, the president of the FBI Agents Association. Well, that sort of makes us feel ... better?
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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