Before you yell at us for defying the whole spirit of Thanksgiving, hear us out. Family is great and wonderful and they provide for us and love us unconditionally, but sometimes you need to get away from them. Family, frankly, can be annoying.
Some people escape their family by watching football, or by cooking. But sometimes the kitchen jobs are occupied, and your family actually likes football. So that's not an option anymore. The best way for you to get away from these people, these people you love, and win some brownie points for dessert time, is to do some fall themed chores.
These are best options, ranked from worst to best.
5) Cleaning out the gutters
Ugh, is there anything worse than cleaning out the gutters of your house/your parent's house/whatever house you're eating at? No, there is not. Scientists were able to prove that cleaning gutters is the single worst chore of the fall, scientifically. It's wet and gross and dirty and leaves get everywhere. Wet leaves are the worst. Also the worst: children's toys that have been lost for ages up there, and are now covered in mulch.
4) Going through old clothes
Slightly better than cleaning your gutters: going trough old clothes in your parent's basement. Tell them you're doing it to figure out what you can donate to the Salvation Army. But really you're doing this to see if you can fit into that one pair of jeans you wore so much in high school. (Hint: you cannot.) When you first think of this, you'll picture yourself having a fabulous fashion show with the outfits that made you who you are today. Instead, you'll feel fat and frumpy and that sweater was really a bad idea, you should have listened to your friend Timmy, but it's too late now.
3) Playing with kids
Kids are great, right? Usually. You'll win points for distracting the munchkins from the important things like NOT SPILLING THE GRAVY, but kids can be a handful. Are you in decent shape? Because they are. Kids can run forever and ever and ever and let's hope you can keep up, because otherwise they're hiding in a tree when you're not looking and getting ready to pounce when you come around the corner. Or sticking their tongue in a socket. You don't want to be responsible for a cooked Caitey. Kids love to stick things in places they don't belong. This is a good one, but be careful.
2) Getting the Christmas decorations ready for tomorrow
A disclaimer: it is uncool to put up Christmas decorations until the day after Thanksgiving. You shouldn't play Christmas music, either. Just don't do it. Don't be that guy. Eat your turkey and enjoy the browns and oranges. The reds and greens are coming tomorrow. But that doesn't mean you can't be prepared. Your parents will appreciate you for lifting the heavy boxes out of the basement and storing everything in a spare room. And this way you can "accidentally" leave that one Santa Claus that terrifies everyone and puts the dog on edge in the basement. Mom won't even notice, we promise.
Raking is the single greatest chore you can possibly do in the fall, and it takes as long as you need it to. That's the best part about raking. If you really need some time away, you can rake at your own pace and never come inside until dinner is ready and on the table. Or you can do it for an hour. So long as there are leaf piles for the cousins to jump in, you're golden. And once you've sent everyone else inside so you can re-rake your piles after the kids jumped in them, there's only one thing left to do. Take a leap yourself. Don't try and argue you're too old to jump in a pile of leaves. No one is too old for that. No one, y'hear.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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