AUTHOR: Jason Peters of Front Porch Republic
AKA: Author of previously noted screed regarding 'Krustians'
LENGTH: 1,135 words
NEW SUBJECT OF COMPLAINT: 'Krustmas'--tacky, Jesus-loving Christians' attempt to re-take Christmas
ONE AMONG MANY KRUSTIAN OFFENSES: Thinking Silent Night is a good song
RESPONSE: "Ah, shit"
COURSE OF ACTION: Self-medicate and wait eagerly for Lent
SUGGESTED METHODS OF SELF-MEDICATION: Liquor, uppers, arsenic
APPROPRIATE PLACE OF ST. ATHANASIUS: Considered for Christmas reading by true Christians, but rejected in favor of "all the pills in the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Absolut"
APPROPRIATE PLACE OF POETRY: Emergency measure to keep up spirits until "that trainload of Prozac finally arrive[s]"
THE MISERY OF DECEMBER 26th:
Then I walk outside on the 26th and see that giant stain on the ground, and the old ticker shrivels altogether. The crime scene is too horrendous to behold. The carnage is beyond belief. It's the second day of Krustmas, and everyone's already done, love-spent, impotent, dazed, hungover. When you cease preparing for feast days, you lose the capacity to celebrate festal seasons. Might as well bring on Theophany right away--as if the Incarnation had been nothing more than Jesus in a party hat blowing out his candles. No wonder we eat all the football we can on New Year's Day. We just watched Jesus age another year just like the rest of us poor sods. At 2,009 he's got some unseemly wrinkles. He needs Osteen's make-up guy.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.