Let's Call Them Krustians

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AUTHOR: Jason Peters at Front Porch Republic

LENGTH: 1,217 words

THESIS: Non-traditional Christians are ruining the faith with tackiness. They should go by a different name.

SUCH AS? "Krustians"

FIRST PROBLEM WITH 'KRUSTIAN' CHURCHES: "I went in ... once to see in what ways I might be oriented to something beyond myself. The first architectural feature I saw directing my thoughts heavenward was a Starbuck’s-style coffee shop ... Was I to dip my fingers in a double-skinny caramel latte and make the sign of the dollar?"

REACTION TO SEEING HYMN LYRICS ON FLAT SCREEN TV: "I wanted to gyrate my hips before the Lord, as King David had of old"

PETERS'S DISCLAIMER: "I’m simply predisposed, personally, to apostolic succession, to old rites, and to what I’m going to have to go ahead and call the traditions with the deepest historical roots"

KNOCKS AGAINST KRUSTIANS: Lack of "creed, incense, daily lessons, sacrament." Excess of bad music, bad architecture, proud ignorance of history and hatred of Halloween.

ALSO: asphalt and Jeep Liberties

WHAT PETERS SUGGESTS THEY GET: A new name, perhaps a marketable breakfast cereal


If you find yourself in bars, as I sometimes rarely do, and if you find yourself in heated conversation therein with people hostile to religion, as I often do, you may have a strong desire, as I always do, to establish a widely agreed-on way of distinguishing between what you believe and what Colorado Springs believes. Well at long last I’ve done it:

If someone were to shorten the field by forty yards, widen it by twenty, give you thirteen downs to advance twelve yards for a first down, and award you six points for doing so, you’d rightly object to his calling this new game "football." You’d say to him, "that one’s taken. Find another name." ... Those who have altered the faith beyond recognition should come up with a new name for what it is they’re practicing. I suggest "Krustianity."

It has that sort of marketable ring to it that should appeal to Krustians. Breakfast cereals are certainly a possibility, as are Action Figures, such as Pastor Ted and the male hooker he’s trying to convert. The Family Krustian Book Store could make a killing, and each Sunday Krustians everywhere could confess, with gestures, how fun it is to stay at the YMKA.

Meanwhile, those of us attempting faithfulness to that thing organized around its bishop and committed to preserving both Word and Sacrament won’t have to put up with so much grief in our bar fights.

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