Volume 297 no. 4 / May 2006
Addicks, Steve “The Appetite,” competitive eater, as locomotive mechanic, 93
Andrés, José, avant-garde chef, haute cheese steak of, 146; on mysteries of Coke, 146
Armstrong, Louis, Mussolini and, 159
Arzak, Juan Mari, Spanish chef, freeze-dried monkfish skin and, 145; clarified beeswax and, 145
Baker, Steve, as sacred-grilled-cheese custodian, 87
Belafonte, Harry, as Hugo Chávez interviewee, 94
Big Bird, as model of pediatrician behavior, 112
Bin Laden, Osama, as imperialist, 138
Bolívar, Simón, empty chair of, 96; favorite tree of, 97; ultimate failure of, 105; on the plowing of the sea, 105
Booker, Eric “Badlands,” competitive eater, as doughnut champ, 86; as cheesecake champ, 86; as corned-beef-hash champ, 86; as subway conductor, 86; as rapper, 86
Brezhnev, Leonid, arrhythmia of, 52; rotten teeth of, 52; remote diagnosis of, 52
Buchanan, Daisy, shirt-related rapture and, 112
Buchanan, Patrick, as Lindbergh fan, 133
Bush, George W., post-Castro planning of, 17; on “activist judges,” 46; faux-conservatism of, 138
Carlyle, Thomas, on Darwinian “gospel of dirt,” 57
Carmona, Pedro, as Chávez deposer, 102; as “Pedro the Brief,” 102
Carter, Jimmy, as millionaire, 44; Iran hostage crisis and, 62–77
Castro, Fidel, eightieth birthday of, 17; kid brother of, 17; as Chávez interviewee, 94; humanitarian offensives of, 103
Cavett, Dick, as Chávez role model, 94
Chávez, Hugo, folk singing of, 94; as talk-show host, 94; Iranian-built bicycle of, 94; misidentified carrots and, 96; as Condi antagonist, 97; as Don Quixote distributor, 97; anti- hegemonic news channel of, 97; as figurative West Virginian, 100; coffee addiction of, 100; as grudging democrat, 102; evangelical style of, 103; as regional sugar daddy, 104
Cheever, Susan, foie-gras-flinging daughter of, 112
Clapton, Eric, ukulele stylings of, 158
Clarke, Gedney, as George Washington host, 142; as smallpox host, 142
Crockett, Davy, as relative softie, 66
Cross, John Philip, British soldier, cravat of, 79; knee-high socks of, 79; on goat-related ecstasy, 79; on “mystic dimension of service,” 82
De Gaulle, Charles, as accordion player, 158
Dillard, Annie, on fecundity, 60
Dougherty, Jon E., anti-immigration polemicist, reconquista fears of, 130; as melting-pot skeptic, 130
Ferguson, Craig, late-night host, as “Bing Hitler,” 158
Forno, Richard, security consultant, on Faustian bargains of digital age, 149; as “tinfoil underwear” advocate, 150–152
Fox, Vicente, as lapdog of empire, 96
Friedman, Kinky, gubernatorial prospects of, 17; reality-TV campaigning of, 17; fund-raising prowess of, 17
Frost, Robert, Atlantic rejection of, 60
Gandhi, Mahatma, on Christianity, 20
Gifford, Kathie Lee, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Glass, Julia, maximalist second novel of, 127; Tolstoyan messiness of, 127
Graham, Billy, as savior of American fundamentalism, 109
Greenspan, Alan, competitive-eating strategy of, 91
Hayworth, J. D., congressman, as anti-immigration crusader, 130–132; on “lettuce liberals,” 131
Hempel, Amy, as writer’s writer, 108; one-liners of, 108; as dog lover, 108; glancing forms of, 108
Hitler, Adolf, as vibraphone player, 158
Housman, A. E., on Gurkhas, 82
Hussein, Uday, golfing habits of, 158
Jackson, Andrew, pirate sidekick of, 138
Jackson, Janet, TiVo title of, 152
Jarvis, Edward “Cookie,” competitive eater, Dizzy Gillespie style of, 90; nasal vomiting and, 91
Jewett, Sarah Orne, muskrat dining companion of, 56
Jong, Erica, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Kennedy, John F., as sellout, 134
Key, Francis Scott, legal background of, 28; as survivalist, 28
Kobayashi, Takeru, competitive eater, as hot-dog champ, 92–93; unorthodox style of, 93; miraculous accomplishment of, 93
Laffite, Jean, as Jackson pal, 138; as co-savior of New Orleans, 138
Leaf, Ryan, former NFL quarterback, as spectacular flop, 153–154
LeFevre, Carlene, competitive eater, as “Martha Stewart of mastication,” 88
LeFevre, Rich, competitive eater, as Spam champ, 86; as chili champ, 86; as corny-dog champ, 86; metronomic style of, 90
Mann, Thomas, as not Thomas More, 100
Maradona, Diego, as Chávez crony, 105
Marsden, George, historian, on fundamentalism as counterculture, 109
Massey, Cade, economist, on NFL draft irrationality, 155
McInally, Pat, former Harvard punter, perfect test score of, 154
Meir, Golda, medical inscrutability of, 52
Mirer, Rick, former NFL quarterback, unremarkability of, 153
Morales, Evo, Bolivian president, as Chávez protégé, 104; as coca decriminalizer, 104
More, Thomas, as not Thomas Mann, 100
Murcutt, Glenn, Aussie “starchitect,” 107; as one-man band, 107; outback mining museum of, 107; light touch of, 107
Murray, Les, Australian poet, as pledger of allegiance, 28
Mussolini, Alessandra, as “neo-Fascist cheesecake,” 159; cultural sensitivity of, 159; on Fascist export of democracy, 159
Mussolini, Benito, gas-station hangout of, 158–159; pudgy fingers of, 158; as recreational violinist, 158; as Fats Waller fan, 159
Mussolini, Romano, pianist, as Chet Baker acquaintance, 158–159; as potential James Bond villain, 158; pet tortoises of, 158
Nader, Ralph, as competitive-eating critic, 88
Nelson, Horatio, as Barbadian statue subject, 143–144
Nostradamus, competitive-eating prophecy of, 91
O’Karma, David “Coondog,” competitive eater, as tag-team bratwurst champion, 90
Parker, Robert, wine critic, outsize influence of, 148
Pompidou, Georges, puffy face of, 52
Powell, Colin, outsider influence of, 37; as prank-call target, 85
Puzo, Mario, as Balzac paraphraser, 42; on morality of great fortunes, 42
Qaddafi, Muammar, colonial reparations and, 159
Raphael, Sally Jessy, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Rice, Condoleezza, post-Castro planning of, 17; star quality of, 37; as Chávez foil, 97
Rivers, Joan, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Robespierre, Maximilien, feline appearance of, 138
Roth, Philip, virtuosity of, 120; tiresomeness of, 133
Rumsfeld, Donald, hedging of, 36–37; as insider, 37
Rustin, Bayard, forgotten genius of, 133
Shea, George, competitive-eating impresario, on isolation and loss, 86; on need and regret, 86; on metaphysics of pearl-making, 87; on Alan Greenspan, 91; glossolalia of, 91
Sparks, Jared, former Harvard president, archival slicing of, 142
Starr, Bart, as poor draft prospect, 153; on disenchantment of modern football, 154
Steiner, Leslie Morgan, “mommy wars” field marshal, conceptual blind spots of, 110–112, 115–116; Splenda and, 112
Stevens, Cat, as red flag, 85
Stravinsky, Igor, as Californian, 138
Thaler, Richard H., economist, on NFL draft irrationality, 155
Thomas, Sonya, competitive eater, as “Black Widow,” 86; as asparagus champ, 86; as fruitcake champ, 86; as jambalaya champ, 86; as meatball champ, 86; as oyster champ, 86; as toasted-ravioli champ, 86; as Turducken champ, 86
Thoreau, Henry David, pedestrian insights of, 54–56
Torres, Miguel, Spanish winemaker, as stainless-steel stalwart, 148
Trump, Ivana, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Uncle Sam, as environmental avenger, 57
Unitas, Johnny, as poor draft prospect, 153
Ventura, Jesse “The Body,” wacky electoral footsteps of, 17
Vidal, Gore, as Lindbergh fan, 133
Walsh, Bill, on delicacy of football coaching, 154–155
Warner, Mark, presidential hopeful, as flipper of cell-phone licenses, 42–44; as grabber of wrists, 44; basketball skills of, 44
Washington, George, Barbadian hangouts of, 141–144; junior year abroad of, 141–144; “alabaster formality” of, 141; tubercular half brother of, 142
Winfrey, Oprah, social mandate of, 116
Wintour, Anna, as “Mother of the Year,” 120
Wolf, Naomi, as myopic blurber, 114