Volume 296 no. 3 / October 2005
Adams, Samuel, as Roy Moore muse, 74, 80
Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud, Iranian president, Web site of, 36; as barber in chief, 36; as suspected assassin, 37; historical shyness of, 36-40
Althusser, Louis, as murderer, 103; slapped wrist of, 103
Arendt, Hannah, contested legacy of, 106
Aristotle, on slavery, 114
Austen, Jane, adolescent masterworks of, 119; as teenage historian, 119; little brother of, 126
Bartlet, Jed, take-home pay of, 46
Benson, Mildred Augustine Wirt, Nancy Drew ghostwriter, Hepburnian air of, 118; as xylophonist, 118; as aviator, 118; on jam-and-jelly journalism, 118; De Niro qualities of, 118; ginger surplus of, 118-119
Bonaparte, Napoleon, aborted chunnel of, 121; on elephants, 121; on whales, 121; as Nelson nemesis, 121-126; comeuppance of, 126
Byron, Lord, on melancholy, 55; overnight fame of, 106; maritime aesthetics of, 126
Camus, Albert, on suicide, 56
Chalabi, Ahmed, integrity of, 103
Chambers, Marilyn, porn star, IRS following of, 142
Cheney, Dick, distinctive waistline of, 119
Clay, Henry, liberty and, 111; as slaveholder, 111
Cleaver, Ward, take-home pay of, 46
Coleman, Robert Keith, execution of, 42, 44; possible innocence of, 42, 44
Coleridge, Samuel Taylor, secretarial work of, 124
Colette, mascara of, 119; blue lampshades and, 119; fluffy cats of, 119; collaborationist interlude of, 119
Connolly, Cyril, on success, 122
Crumbley, Nathaniel Mordechai, handyman, suspicious name of, 115
Darwin, Charles, mental illness and, 64
Descartes, René, anti-nature nature of, 94
Diamond, Jared, on Easter Island, 16
Disraeli, Benjamin, mental illness and, 64
Doohan, James Montgomery, as Scotty, 142-143; apocryphal catchphrase of, 142-143; Elvis and, 142; as marital aid, 142; serenity prayer of, 142; missing middle finger of, 143; anti-Shatner sentiments of, 143; as Klingon linguist, 143; prenatal memorial of, 143
Douglas, Michael, as high-maintenance fellow, 116
Douglas, Stephen A., optimism of, 62; pompadour of, 62
Drew, Nancy, hunches of, 115; as Diana, 115; as Athena, 116; marked superiority of to Catherine Zeta-Jones, 116; ginger of, 118, 119; Jordache jeans and, 120; essential conservatism of, 120; as septuagenarian, 120
Dworkin, Andrea, anti-sex arguments of, 129; apt description of intercourse by, 129
Edwards, Matilda, as Lincoln's true love, 56
Elizabeth I, as iconoclast, 112
Ewing, J. R., take-home pay of, 46
Feldstein, Martin, as potential Greenspan successor, 40; as "Dr. Gloom," 40
Fitzgerald, F. Scott, as Baudelaire, 98; as possible plagiarist, 98; Smoky Mountain solace sought by, 98; diseased lungs of, 98; as Pygmalion, 98; as orchid-eater, 98; Isadora Duncan and, 98; as plutophile, 98; withdrawn second chance of, 98
Fitzgerald, Zelda, unmemorialized death of, 97; as dysfunctional muse, 98; intentional tumble of, 98
Fleming, Ian, nineteenth-century Russian influences on, 24
Flintstone, Fred, take-home pay of, 46
Flynn, Errol, as hipster, 132
Forster, E. M., Zadie Smith and, 122
Foster, Richard, namesake dessert of, 138
Frame, Janet, as world-class novelist, 119; as mental patient, 119
Friedman, Thomas, flat arguments of, 48-51
Fukuyama, Francis, as last man, 106; Byronic notoriety of, 106; as Iraq War critic, 106-108; 108; as post-historian, 108; as conflicted Hegelian, 106-108; as figurative Marx, 108
Genovese, Eugene D., as "greatest living historian," 112; on slavery, 112-114; as Marxist, 112; as atheist, 112; judiciousness of, 112-114
Greenspan, Alan, possible successors to, 40
Guevara, Che, as hipster, 132
Heath, Edward, as Chunnel booster, 121
Hemingway, Ernest, epistolary standoffishness of, 131; work schedule of, 132; daiquiri intake of, 131-134; as lackluster drinking companion, 134
Henry, Patrick, liberty and, 111; as slaveholder, 111
Hundertwasser, Friedensreich, painter, many skins of, 127
Huxtable, Cliff, take-home pay of, 46
Jaglom, Henry, as potential knitting auteur, 116
Jeanne, hurricane, as bin Laden peer, 94
Jesus, as mum on slavery, 114
Kahneman, Daniel, Nobel laureate, on economic whimsy, 129
Keitel, Harvey, "brooding pugnacity" of, 74
Kennedy, Anthony, as pro-death penalty, 42; as anti-death penalty, 42
Kissinger, Henry, as Kantian, 108; crashed party of, 108; toadiness of, 108
Lewis, C. S., on slavery, 114
Lincoln, Abraham, public weeping of, 52; suicidal thoughts of, 52-56, 64; as poet, 55-56; buzz-kill autograph of, 58; cocaine and, 58; medicinal sarsaparilla and, 58; high-pitched voice of, 62; urgent eloquence of, 62; Lutheresque integrity of, 62; New York debut of, 62-64; emotional ecology of, 64; as micromanager, 66-68; as theologian, 66-68; as infidel, 66
Madison, James, liberty and, 111; as slaveholder, 111
Martin, Pamela Sue, as Nancy Drew, 119; Playboy poses of, 120
Marx, Groucho, as Trekker, 142
Mew, Charlotte, poet, creosote suicide of, 119; spinsterish virtuosity of, 119
Monroe, James, liberty and, 111; as slaveholder, 111
Moore, Roy, "Ten Commandments Judge," as Rock star, 70-82; ram-horn-blowing supporters of, 70, 81; gubernatorial aspirations of, 74, 81-82; as carpenter, 74; as Keitel ringer, 74; as channeler, 74-75, 80; as PowerPoint theocrat, 75; powdered wig of, 75; broken cisterns and, 75; poetry of, 75; as boxer, 76; as Captain America, 76; as Outback cowboy, 78; as Rove foe, 79, 82; gravitational field of, 81; Nader potential of, 82
Musharraf, Pervez, unsure hand of, 91
Nelson, Horatio, as battlefield entrepreneur, 122; as pelf partisan, 123; as imperialist, 123; as pro-slave trade, 123; sentimentality of, 124; flamboyance of, 124; as Christ figure, 124; as Brontë godfather, 124-126
Neruda, Pablo, as hipster, 132
Nickerson, Ned, Nancy Drew beau, atrophied testicles of, 115
North, Ollie, as blue-light special, 75
O'Connor, Sandra Day, as pro-death penalty, 42; as anti-death penalty, 42
O'Neill, Eugene, on godly glue, 66
Oglethorpe, James Edward, as urban planner, 96; as social planner, 96; anti-slavery intentions of, 96
Paul, apostle, pro-slavery leanings of, 114
Perle, Richard, as Francophile, 102; two-tone shirts of, 102; as scoutmaster, 103; as Democrat, 103
Petrie, Rob, take-home pay of, 46
Picasso, Pablo, subpar drawing skills of, 22
Pickford, Mary, grenadine component of, 132
Pompidou, Georges, as Chunnel skeptic, 121
Prager, Arthur, on tween-specific conservatism, 120
Presley, Elvis, as Trekker, 142
Ribalaigua Vert, Constantino, as daiquiri perfector, 133
Ricardo, Ricky, take-home pay of, 46
Rimbaud, Arthur, Richard Perle and, 102
Robles, Ishmael, kick-boxer, as Roy Moore sensei, 78
Roddenberry, Gene, grandiosity of, 142
Sandoz, Mari, as Crazy Horse biographer, 114; sensitive ethnology of, 114
Santayana, George, on loss, 114
Scoggins, Chris, as Rock roadie, 75-76, 79-80; nocturnal movements of, 79-80
Simpson, Homer, take-home pay of, 46; neologistic stupidity of, 140
Smith, Adam, as naval strategist, 122; as anti-imperialist, 123
Smith, Zadie, sophomore slump of, 122; sitcommy tics of, 122; many strengths of, 122
Sontag, Susan, on Horatio Nelson, 123
Stewart, Martha, as Nancy Drew sidekick, 120
Stratemeyer, Edward, mystery mogul, as Carolyn Keene, 116; Greenspanian virtuosity of, 116; Hardy Boys and, 116; as crack dealer, 118; onomatopoeic editing style of, 118
Strauss, Leo, contested legacy of, 106, 108
Styron, William, on meteorology of depression, 56
Taylor, John, economist, as potential Greenspan successor, 40; as Duran Duran bassist, 40
Traficant, James, as beamer-up, 142
Wallace, George, Roy Moore and, 74, 78, 80-82; "cherished dragons" of, 81
Waring, Fred, as bandleader, 133; as blender backer, 133
Washington, George, liberty and, 111; as slaveholder, 111
Wohlstetter, Albert, as Perle mentor, 102-103; as Chalabi mentor, 103; as mathematician, 102, 106
Woolf, Virginia, sensitive male fans of, 119
Woon, Basil, as cocktail anthropologist, 133
Wordsworth, William, as relative warmonger, 126