Who's Who

Volume 295 no. 5 / June 2005

Abernathy, Ralph, as Beat associate, 126; Kissinger and, 126

Alexandra, nominal affluence of, 35

Annan, Kofi, redemption of, 46

Arledge, Roone, as Geraldo nemesis, 91; restroom reconciliation and, 98

Arnett, Peter, banishment of, 95

al-Asad, Bashar, Syrian president, towering badness of, 42

Bachner, Evan, on naval homoeroticism, 109

Barthes, Roland, as textual urbanist, 82

Bin Laden, Osama, as Geraldo nemesis, 90; as-yet-unbronzed head of, 90

Bismarck, Otto von, restraint of, 50; as lord of the Pacific, 50, 54

Blair, Tony, mass graves and, 70; as post-Thatcherite, 131

Bono, as squeaky wheel, 130

Brokaw, Tom, as Geraldo nemesis, 90, 92, 96

Brown, Pat, California governor, as free spender, 102; as plumber-in-chief, 102; sweetness of, 102; vivacity of, 102

Byron, Lord, mismatched legs of, 115; agonizing influence of, 115-118; egoism of, 116; sexuality of, 118

Caine, Michael, as relative titan, 130; Beverly Hills exile of, 130

Callaghan, James, British PM, as publican, 130; sunniness of, 130-131; wintry obliviousness of, 130-131; as polymathic footnote, 131; as teen bureaucrat, 131; as declinist, 131; as farmer, 131

Capone, Al, as Alcatraz resident, 80; barren vault of, 89, 91

Carson, Johnny, as Geraldo nemesis, 98

Carter, Jimmy, as Geraldo interlocutor, 91; as relative titan, 131; cloudiness of, 131

Casanova, as complex fellow, 118

Castro, Fidel, as gay icon, 76-78; as Geraldo interlocutor, 91

Churchill, Winston, on decline, 103

Clark, Ramsey, as U.S. attorney general, 66; as Saddam legal counsel, 66

Clinton, Bill, midterm comeback of, 40; resonant girth of, 84; defensive drift of, 103-104; terrorism and, 104

Couric, Katie, game face of, 89

Crawford, Joan, fading beauty of, 99; as combat standard, 99

Damon, Johnny, enjoined coif of, 13

Dantès, Edmond, escape of, 80

Davies, Marion, Hearst mistress, as muse of bad taste, 81

Dickens, Charles, as Microsoft consultant, 76

Donahue, Phil, soothing manner of, 91

Downs, Hugh, as Geraldo straight man, 90

Dumas, Roland, former French foreign minister, as Saddam attorney, 66; as publicity hound, 66

Emanuel, Rahm, as rising star, 40

Escher, M. C., as sociologist, 112

Farrell, J. G., novelist, freakish death of, 102; gallows humor of, 102; as absurdist, 102; as Austenean, 102; as proto-post-colonialist, 103

Finster, Howard, moth crucifix and, 109

Fitzgerald, F. Scott, as Tinseltown skeptic, 101; on Bill Clinton, 104

Folkenflik, David, as Geraldo nemesis, 94-95

Follett, Wilson, as language lodestar, 128

Ford, Gerald, realism of, 54

Franken, Al, debatable clownishness of, 118; deadly seriousness of, 118

Frist, Bill, as parliamentary Strangelove, 36

Fuchs, Daniel, as writer's writer, 101; as as substitute teacher, 101; as screenwriter, 101-102; as Oscar winner, 101; tanned children of, 101; hard lyricism of, 101-102

Gingrich, Newt, as kneecapper, 38

Ginsberg, Allen, sudden birth of, 78; as Kissinger adviser, 126; as nudist, 126

Haldeman, H. R., as keeper of secrets, 122

Hartley, L. P., as posterity geographer, 130

Hayworth, Rita, as drag template, 78

Hearst, William Randolph, bombastic kitsch of, 81; as baptist, 81; regurgitative properties of, 81; as second Noah, 82

Hendrix, Jimi, as curator, 75

Hughes, Karen, as Boomerang Mom, 113

Hugo, Victor, as Microsoft consultant, 76; as flaneur, 82

Hussein, Saddam, staged capture of, 65; selflessness of, 65; as victim, 65-67; as latter-day de Gaulle, 67; as gardener, 70; as poet, 70

Joyce, James, as Microsoft consultant, 76

Kennedy, Robert F., as Alcatraz repo man, 79; as wiretapper, 122-124

Kerouac, Jack, as Greyhound mascot, 81

al-Khasawneh, Ziad, Saddam attorney, as conspiracy theorist, 65-67, 70-72; potbelly of, 66; grounding contradictions of, 72; as carnival barker, 72; threat of dismemberment extended toward, 72

Kissinger, Henry, on Bismarck, 50; eavesdropping secretaries of, 119-126; charm of, 119; sensitivity of, 119-126; lunch tabs of, 119-120; as tattletale, 122; as Beat associate, 126; diplomatic nudity and, 126

Lee, Robert E., pinup potential of, 99

Lennon, John, Geraldo and, 91

Lermontov, Mikhail, Byronic nature of, 115-118; as Pushkin heir, 115, 117; as Scotsman, 115; Casanova complex of, 118; possible homosexuality of, 118; gendered destiny of, 118

Levitt, Steven, freakonomist, on baby names, 35

Madonna, as one-name wonder, 89; toddling accessory of, 113

Mao Zedong, optimism of, 30

McCarthy, Eugene, as Beat associate, 126; Kissinger and, 126

McGovern, George, free fall of, 122

Midler, Bette, as Geraldo lover, 91

Miller, Henry, shrine of, 81

Moran, Sherwood F., interrogator, as good cop, 32-35; as mosaicist, 35; enlightened hard-boiledness of, 35

Mozart, Wolfgang, as prenatal specialist, 106

Nabokov, Vladimir, as splitter of hairs, 115

Nelson, Horatio, as Geraldo of the sea, 94

Nemo, sub captain, as interior decorator, 94

Nicholas I, as literary critic, 117

Nixon, Richard, realism of, 54, 62; unkickability of, 102; transparency and, 119; bastards and, 125

Odets, Clifford, as Tinseltown skeptic, 101

Pelosi, Nancy, lousy sales skills of, 36; empty pep of, 36; "vapid response" of, 40; hopeful complacency of, 36-40

Peskowitz, Miriam, maternal taxonomy of, 113

Powell, Anthony, on the locality of all politics, 117

Pushkin, Aleksandr, as duelist, 115, 118; Ethiopian ancestry of, 115; as sellout, 117

Qaddafi, Aisha, Muammar's little girl, as Saddam attorney, 66

Reagan, Nancy, as prompter, 76

Reagan, Ron, stem-cell stemwinder of, 76; jean jacket of, 76; fleet feet of, 76

Reagan, Ronald, slimming mandate of, 83-84; as turning point, 102; complexity of, 130

Reichenbach, François, French filmmaker, as Sex O'Clock USA auteur, 76

Reid, Harry, as Smothers Brother, 36; as milquetoast, 36-40; whorehouse laundry and, 38; as mob target, 38; hopeful complacency of, 36-40

Rivera, Geraldo, as punch line, 89; recycled buttocks of, 89; as mariner, 89-90; parachuting parents of, 89; as Capone victim, 89, 91; self-awareness of, 90; Hispanicization of, 91; private island of, 91, 96; money tree of, 91; bar-mitzvah hookers and, 91; as first responder, 94; romantic persistence of, 95; Socrates and, 96; as Rather fan, 96; as Afghanophile, 96; tattooed biceps of, 96; as counterinsurgent, 98; as Roger Clemens, 98; as "example to us all," 98

Robbo, Red, British union leader, unpredictability of, 130

Rose, Axl, as sentinel, 110

Sade, Marquis de, machinery of, 76

Scharff, Hans Joachim, interrogative Nazi, charm of, 32

Schlafly, Phyllis, innocence of, 110

Schumer, Charles, as rising star, 40

Scott, Sir Walter, as hero of his time, 115

Shriver, Maria, as Boomerang Mom, 113

Sidey, Hugh, ill-advised confidences of, 122

Silber, Joan, verbal gymnastics of, 117; as seasoned seasoner, 117

Starr, Kenneth, as MoveOn target, 79

Starr, Kevin, as tour guide, 82; as private eye, 83; poolside reverie of, 102

Stewart, Jon, game face of, 89

Stewart, Martha, as one-name wonder, 89

Stroud, Kandy, society reporter, as muckraker, 119-120

Stroud, Robert, as Birdman of Alcatraz, 80

Thatcher, Margaret, slimming mandate of, 83-84; as mum, 131; as smasher of working classes, 131

Updike, John, as Booker nominee, 13; as Fuchs fan, 101; impishness of, 101

Vandenburg-Kipling, Suzanne, as mom to end all moms, 106, 113

Vermeer, as acid fiend, 109

Washington, George, fevered flight of, 38

Wells, Seething, punk poet, as personalizer of the political, 131

Whitman, Walt, as clanking trope, 113

Williams, Montel, as Geraldo progeny, 91

Willmott, H. P., naval expert, on battleship subtlety, 62-64

Young, Sean, as Catwoman, 110

Zeta-Jones, Catherine, yumminess of, 113

More comfortable online than out partying, post-Millennials are safer, physically, than adolescents have ever been. But they’re on the brink of a mental-health crisis.

One day last summer, around noon, I called Athena, a 13-year-old who lives in Houston, Texas. She answered her phone—she’s had an iPhone since she was 11—sounding as if she’d just woken up. We chatted about her favorite songs and TV shows, and I asked her what she likes to do with her friends. “We go to the mall,” she said. “Do your parents drop you off?,” I asked, recalling my own middle-school days, in the 1980s, when I’d enjoy a few parent-free hours shopping with my friends. “No—I go with my family,” she replied. “We’ll go with my mom and brothers and walk a little behind them. I just have to tell my mom where we’re going. I have to check in every hour or every 30 minutes.”

Those mall trips are infrequent—about once a month. More often, Athena and her friends spend time together on their phones, unchaperoned. Unlike the teens of my generation, who might have spent an evening tying up the family landline with gossip, they talk on Snapchat, the smartphone app that allows users to send pictures and videos that quickly disappear. They make sure to keep up their Snapstreaks, which show how many days in a row they have Snapchatted with each other. Sometimes they save screenshots of particularly ridiculous pictures of friends. “It’s good blackmail,” Athena said. (Because she’s a minor, I’m not using her real name.) She told me she’d spent most of the summer hanging out alone in her room with her phone. That’s just the way her generation is, she said. “We didn’t have a choice to know any life without iPads or iPhones. I think we like our phones more than we like actual people.”