TIDY TOWN PARALYZED BY PROMISCUOUS TOURIST: Three-time first prize winner in Ireland's Tidy Town competition, the drowsy seaside town of Ballymullet may never again be a tourists' paradise. In the midst of this idyllic landscape of thatched roofs and quaint pubs set against a backdrop of green hills dotted with sheep, a silent killer lurks. Or so says Father Brendan Lenehan, the priest who shocked parishioners at the Mary Magdalene Church in Ballymullet last Sunday, when he announced that a female tourist from England had infected several local men with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.
The residents of Ballymullet, long accustomed to the presence of tourists in their pubs and shops, have until now welcomed outsiders. Yet in an interview this week Father Lenehan speculated that the moral backwardness tourists bring with them is threatening the way of life enjoyed by locals in this tiny hamlet. "The end of our innocence is being ushered in with an event of near-biblical proportions," Father Lenehan declared. "Sex and drugs can only lead to plague and pestilence."
Afterward I went for one at Mangan's, like I do on a Sunday. The Rose of Tralee pageant was on, with your man Derek Davis hosting, because Gay Byrne's in hospital. Too many pub lunches and iffy egg mayonnaise, if you ask me. That fella would eat his own arm if you buttered it. So we're all watching the Aussie Rose sing "Waltzing Matilda" in a getup that looks like the drapes in the Wellington Court Hotel, and Mary McGarry starts giving out to Tiny about didn't she see him one night chatting up a Brit in a tight jumper and buying her a Ritz, and wasn't it that same Brit that Father Lenehan had warned us about that very morning? So Tiny, who wasn't half a minute from buying his round, sits and takes it from her all the way through the Dublin Rose and the Boston Rose, and in the middle of the adverts he says, "At least I could get a word in edgewise with the girl," and out he goes. "Oh, Jaysus, I'm afflicted with the AIDS, sure I am," Mary starts in, so I took her next door to the fish-and-chips shop for a snack box and then we went back to Mangan's just for a quick pint. The two of us were having a chat when who shows up but Nuala, who tells me I was to get dinner for the girls hours ago and I'm in desperate trouble.
All that night my stomach was very bad. Now a week's gone by and it's worse than ever. I had to drink the milk delivery this morning before it ever saw the inside of the icebox. Sure I'll catch hell from Nuala. Is it only sores you get when it's AIDS, or can it start in the stomach? Last month, after Ireland beat Italy in the World Cup, we were all up at Mangan's, the whole town it must have been, and Mary and I went round back, just for some air, and one thing led to another, as it can. It was just a ride. I was sorry for it afterward, and went with Nuala and her Aunt Molly, with her feet so swollen she has to have them up all the time, to the Wellington Court for dinner three Sundays in a row, but now my stomach's so bad I can't even manage a pint. What if Tiny got it from the Brit and gave it to Mary and she gave it to me?