Recipe for a Canadian Novel
After Cyprian Norwid
BY JOHN ROBERT COLOMBO
Ingredients: one Mountie,
one Indian, an Eskimo
and a Doukhobor.
one Indian, an Eskimo
and a Doukhobor.
Add: a small-town whore,
a thousand miles of wheat,
a farmer, impotent and bent.
a thousand miles of wheat,
a farmer, impotent and bent.
A fair-haired daughter too,
a Laurentian mountain
and a Montreal Jew.
a Laurentian mountain
and a Montreal Jew.
Include also: a boy
with a dying pet,
and a mortgage unmet.
with a dying pet,
and a mortgage unmet.
If this sours, sweeten
with maple syrup —
preferably French-Canadian,
with maple syrup —
preferably French-Canadian,
but dilute, if foreign
to the taste.
Stir, then beat.
to the taste.
Stir, then beat.
Drop in exotic and tangy
place-names — Toronto,
Saskatoon, Hudson Bay.
place-names — Toronto,
Saskatoon, Hudson Bay.
To prepare the sauce:
paragraphs of bad prose
that never seem to stop.
paragraphs of bad prose
that never seem to stop.
For distinctive flavor:
garnish with maple leaves.
Mix, then leave.
garnish with maple leaves.
Mix, then leave.
Dice one Confederation poet
complete with verse
(remove mold first).
complete with verse
(remove mold first).
Drain, bring to a simmer,
but avoid a boil.
Pour, place in oven, bake.
but avoid a boil.
Pour, place in oven, bake.
Slice in pieces, or leave whole.
Serves nineteen million
when cold.
Serves nineteen million
when cold.