Clichés on the Air
Q. Hello, Mr. Arbuthnot.
A. Hello, young man. Does exercise tie your muscles into knots?
Q. Why, yes, it does.
A. Are you a slave to floors? Are your gums sore and tender to the touch?
Q. Now wait a second, Mr. Arbuthnot.
A. Do you inhale? Does the wrong soap rob you of a complexion like peaches and cream? Are you a washday wife — does washing leave you so ‘done in’ you can’t even drag yourself to a movie?
Q. Oh, I see, Arby. You’re the fellow who writes the commercials for the radio programs.
A. Is your loveliness hidden by dull, mousy hair? Then why not try Shampine? You’ll be amazed at the change.
Q. Will my hair glisten with a new beauty I’d never have believed possible? Is Shampine entirely different from any shampoo I’ve ever tried? Does it create a rich, creamy lather?
A. Just one treatment is all that is necessary. Now then, arc your fingernails alluring?
Q. Oh, Mr. Arbuthnot, stop it! Have a cigar.
A. Is it a cigar in which only the finest Havana tobacco has been blended with choice domestic leaf?
Q. It is. It has that real Havana flavor.
A. Does it offer everything a discriminating smoker looks for in a cigar?
Q. It offers perfect smoking satisfaction. It is mild and smooth. The flavor lasts. Have one.
A. No, thanks. I never smoke cigars.
Q. Then have one of these cigarettes, made of the finest tobacco money can buy.
A. Are they the best cigarette value for my money?
Q. Indeed, yes. The price is only fifteen cents plus local taxes in certain states. Try one now.
A. No, thanks. I never use tobacco in any form. It gives me heartburn.
Q. Ah, you are a slave to stomach distress.
A. I am, and do you know what I should do?
A. I should do as thousands have done. Get a box of Blips, the new, scientific, anti-acid remedy. Why should I suffer any longer from that peculiar stinging sensation in the chest? Blips are really wonderful.
Q. Are they soothing, healing, and refreshing?
A. Ask your doctor. He’ll tell you.
Q. Are they on sale at all drugstores throughout the United States and Canada?
A. They are, and they have given prompt relief to thousands.
Q. What have scientific tests shown?
A. Scientific tests have shown that Blips are the brand-new, sure-fire method of relief. Buy a box today. Remember the name — Blips, spelled C-h-o-1m-o-n-d-e-I-e-y. . . . By the way, young man, you need a shave.
Q. I have determined not to shave until I can find the shaving cream that is kind to tender skins.
A. You mean the cream that creates a quick billow of de luxe, cooling lather?
Q. Yes, the one that conditions my skin for a cool, refreshing shave, and leaves my face young and more attractive.
A. Ah, then, you must use Blops shaving cream. It will give you that wellgroomed look women admire.
Q. Shall I be delighted, pleased, and amazed?
A. You’ll never regret it. Are your teeth alluring?
A. They look filmy to me. Now listen carefully. Here’s the way to make your teeth gleam and sparkle. Use Blupps toothpaste.
Q. Will it stimulate the gums, cleanse the teeth to their natural brightness, and help remove acid film?
A. You’ll never know how alluring your smile can be until you clean your teeth with Blupps.
Q. I shall buy a tube at my corner drugstore tonight, or at the very latest, tomorrow morning.
A. Insist on the genuine article. Be sure to look for the trademark.
Q. Never fear. I shall refuse all substitutes.
Q. Why, Mr. Arbuthnot, you’re sure full of pep this morning. Been eating yeast?
A. No, I’ve been drinking it. Bleeps yeast in tomato juice is simply divine, it is rich in wholesome, natural vitamins.
A. Young man, you are evidently suffering from a head cold. You’ve got that tired, achy feeling.
Q. It’s nothing.
A. Nothing? Why, a simple cold is often the forerunner of pneumonia. Many a long and painful illness could be prevented by dissolving a tablet in a glass of water.
Q. I am subject to colds.
A. Then why keep on being miserable? Relieve your distress with Blapps.
Q. Do they shrink swollen membranes, soothe irritation, and help clear the nasal passages?
A. Just a few drops work wonders.
Q. I shall buy a box today, for they cost but a few cents.
A. You’ll find they’re really wonderful. By the way, have you discovered Blope’s soup? The country’s buzzing with talk about it.
Q. Yes, women everywhere are praising its smooth, nourishing qualities.
A. Ah, then you have heard. Was your coffee good this morning?
Q. It was rich, fragrant, satisfying, and delicious.
A. Then you had better switch to Bloops Coffee.
A. Because it is rich, fragrant, satisfying, and delicious. Give your hair a chance.
Q. Why should I?
A. Because you too can be beautiful. Q. Who? Me!
A. Just beneath your present skin is a younger, lovelier, brand-new skin.
A. Learn beauty’s secret. Soft hands are truly adorable, says lovely Mrs. Lippincott Rittenhouse, lovely Philadelphia matron.
Q. She did not say that. It was lovely Mrs. Huntington Van Rensselaer Carnegie, lovely Park Avenue matron, who said that. Lovely Mrs. Rittenhouse was the one who said that women are quick to appreciate the fine performance, luxurious new riding smoothness, and delightful handling ease of the new Blipler motorcar.
A. Blood lines count in cars as well as horses, I always say.
Q. You always say! It was lovely Priscilla Vanderbilt St. George, lovely Tuxedo debutante, who said that.
A. Okay, you know so much—who said this: ‘I am an athlete and have to keep up my strength. That is why I always ask for Blippety spark plugs.’
Q. That was said by lovely Mrs. Cabot Winthrop Revere, lovely outfielder of the Boston Red Sox.
A. By cracky, you’re right. Well, the name of the winner will be announced two weeks from tonight.
Q. The name of what winner?
A. Why, the winner of the big prize — who else? Here’s all you do, folks.
Q. Enclose three wrappers.
A. Now stop interrupting. Just print your name and address plainly, folks.
Q. And get your entry blank from the nearest dealer.
A. This amazing offer is absolutely free to any housewife.
Q. For further details —
A. See your daily newspaper. ‘My husband and I will use the money for a real vacation which we could not otherwise afford,’ says Mrs. Ethel Soderblum, of No. 238 East 127th Street, Sitka, Alaska.
Q. I shall mail my entry not later than Thursday next.
A. Young man, do you know why it’s a wonderful idea to start the day with a nice, big, rich, creamy dish of Cruncho?
Q. You bet I do! Because Cruncho is the super-American breakfast food, because it tastes super-good, and because it’s super-good for me.
A. Isn’t it wonderful to think that Cruncho tastes so super?
Q. M-m-m! I should say so. I shall go into the pantry this very minute to see if there is some of this marvelous, rich, creamy, juicy, delicious breakfast food, which creates such a billowy lather . . .
Q. And opens up the pores . . .
Q. And makes the hair glisten with new beauty.
Q. And if there isn’t any of this delicious, rich, etc., in the pantry, I shall ask Mother to get some from our corner grocer tonight.
A. Don’t delay. If you put it off you may forget. Be sure to read . . . you’ll enjoy . . . you’ll never regret . . . just ask for . . . tune in again . . . with the compliments of your neighborhood . . . don’t suffer any longer . . . you’ll be amazed . . . see for yourself . . . ask your mother . . . ask your father . . . ask your sister . . .
Q. Hold on a moment, Mr. Arbuthnot. You’re getting too excited. Control yourself!
A. Pleasant surprise .... children need plenty . . . Folks, here’s good news ... on sale everywhere . . . favorite dish ... no rub, no polish — just sprinkle . . . tastes better that way . . .
Q. Mr. Arbuthnot! What is the matter? Please stop! Somebody call a doctor!
A. You’ll love it . . . light, flaky crackers . . . makes washing a pleasure . . . works like magic . . . used it for years . . . makes shaving a delight ... a child can drive it . . .
Q. Arbuthnot! Stop!
A. My God, I can’t stop! . . . Big news for women . . . all-round economy . . . dollar value . . . just think . . . now listen, men . . . give you the most for the least . . . for further details . . . try it . . . just say Blub ... insist . . . tune in ... go to your nearest .. . don’t forget . . . don’t delay . . . don’t wait . . . don’t suffer . . . don’t neglect . . .
Q. Officer! Quick! Call an ambulance. Clinical tests show that radio commercials have driven our cliché expert, Mr. Arbuthnot, temporarily off his nut.
Officer. Medical authorities agree that they are apt to do that. A simple radio commercial is often the forerunner of dementia.