The Alphabet and the Wreds

MY attention has been called to an article in the Contributors’ Club wherein established American institutions are subtly attacked under the guise of an appeal to those whose names begin with W to unite against the custom of arranging school classes, telephone books, and voting-lists in alphabetical order. As a loyal American I rise to protest against this outburst of Bolshevism.

The article, it is true, looks innocent enough. Those whom the author especially calls upon for succor to the cause of an overturned alphabet are all apparently Nordics and one-hundred-percent Americans. He speaks of Walkers and Warrens, of Whipples and Whitneys, of Wolcotts and Woodwards. Such ruses, however, are transparent to the officers of the Army Intelligence Service, the American Defense Society, the National Security League, and others whose duty it is to penetrate the disguises in which Moscow cloaks its nefarious plots. The fact is that this article was conceived in the councils of the Third International, written by a hireling of the Soviet, sent by wireless to a Bolshevist agent in the Wyzanski Building, New York, and submitted to the Atlantic by a contributor named Wimpfheimer; and its concealed purpose is to overthrow the American Government, destroy American business, undermine the foundations of the American home, and substitute a Wrule of Wiolence and Wrapine by a Witenagemot of Winerskis, Wolinskys, Wiedenbachs, and Weisenbergs.

The whole plot is now clear. The first step is to overturn the alphabet with a Wrapid fire of Wridicule, employing for this purpose even such Admirable Allies of Alphabetical Aristocracy as the Atlantic. Then, when the Weissmanns and the Wolinskys are firmly placed in the front seats of classrooms, the front pages of Social Registers, and the top of voting-lists, the rest will quickly follow. The Navy will be Wrecked, the Child Labor Amendment will be Wratified and the family Wronged, the hard-earned profits of the American business man will be Wrung from their owners and Wickedly Wasted, the Government will be Wreduced to Weakness, and all will be over but Weeping and Wailing, Wrebellion and War.

It may not come to that; I have implicit faith in the good sense of the American people. But they must be Wroused from their sense of false security, from the fool’s paradise in which Wred Wradicals and misguided pacifists have lulled them with soft phrases, while it is still not too late to preserve the institutions established and glorified by Adams, Agassiz, Audubon, and Chester A. Arthur. Let the Atlantic audience be on their guard against this dastardly propaganda emanating from Wrussia. Hold together, you Ameses and Arnolds and Appletons; call out the militia if they try to take away your front seats; use the machine-guns if they suggest rearranging the classified telephone-directory.

We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the American Alphabet.