If Shakespeare Lived to-Day
NOTE. — I do not imply or hint or in any way intend any comparison between Shakespeare and any living writer. I would consider any such comparison blasphemous. But I do compare the attitude of a numerous multitude toward contemporary genius with the attitude they would show to any other genius if it came their way unprotected by the sanction of antiquity and the immunity of the grave.
PEOPLE IN THE PLAY
SIR WEBLEY WOOTHERY-JURNIP
MR. NEEKS }
Members of the Olympus.
JERGINS. — An Old Waiter.
MR. TRUNDLEBEN. — Secretary of the Club.
MR. GLEEK. — Editor of the ‘Banner and Evening Gazette,’ and Member of the Olympus.
SCENE: A room in the Olympus Club.
TIME: After luncheon.
SIR WEBLEY WOOTHERY-JURNIP and MR. NEEKS sit by a small table. Farther away sits MR. GLEEK, the editor of ‘ The Banner and Evening Gazette.’ SIR WEBLEY WOOTHERY-JURNIP rises and rings the bell by the fireplace. He returns to his seat.
MR. NEEKS
I see there’s a man called Mr. William Shakespeare putting up for the Club.
SIR WEBLEY
Shakespeare? Shakespeare? Shakespeare? I once knew a man called Shaker.
MR. NEEKS
No, it’s Shakespeare — Mr. William Shakespeare.
SIR WEBLEY
Shakespeare? Shakespeare? Do you know anything about him?
MR. NEEKS
Well, I don’t exactly recall — I made sure that you —
SIR WEBLEY
The Secretary ought to be more careful. Waiter.
JERGINS
Yes, Sir Webley.
JERGINS comes forward.
SIR WEBLEY
Coffee, Jergins. Same as usual.
JERGINS
Yes, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
And, Jergins —
JERGINS
Yes, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
There’s a man called Mr. William Shakespeare putting up for the Club.
JERGINS
I ’m sorry to hear that, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, Jergins. Well, there it is, you see; and I want you to go up and ask Mr. Trundleben if he ’d come down.
JERGINS
Certainly, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
And then get my coffee.
JERGINS
Yes, Sir Webley.
He goes slowly away.
NEEKS
He ’ll be able to tell us all about him.
SIR WEBLEY
At the same time, he should be more careful.
NEEKS
I’m afraid — I’m afraid he’s getting rather — rather old.
SIR WEBLEY
Oh, I don’t know; he was seventy only the other day. I don’t call that too old — nowadays. He can’t be now — he can’t be more than — let me see — seventyeight. Where does this Mr. Shaker live?
NEEKS
Shakespeare. Somewhere down in Warwickshire. A village called Bradford, I think, is the address he gives in the Candidates’ Book.
SIR WEBLEY
Warwickshire. I do seem to remember something about him now. If he’s the the same man, I certainly do. William Shakespeare, you said?
NEEKS
Yes, that’s the name.
SIR WILLIAM
Well, I certainly have heard about him, now you mention it.
NEEKS
Really? And what does he do?
SIR WEBLEY
Do? Well, from what I heard, he poaches.
NEEKS
Poaches?
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, a poacher. Trundleben deserves to get the sack for this. A poacher from the wilds of Warwickshire. I heard all about him. He got after the deer at Charlecote.
NEEKS
A poacher?
SIR WEBLEY
That’s all he is, a poacher. A member of the Olympus! He’ll be dropping in here one fine day with other people’s rabbits in his pockets.
Enter JERGINS.
JERGINS
Your coffee, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
My coffee. I should think so, (He sips it.) One needs it.
He pays JERGINS.
JERGINS
Mr. Trundleben will be down at once, Sir Webley. I telephoned up to him.
SIR WEBLEY
Telephoned. Telephoned. The Club’s getting more full of newfangled devices every day. I remember the time when — Thank you, Jergins.
JERGINSretires.
This is a pretty state of things, Neeks.
NEEKS
A pretty state of things indeed, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Ah, here’s Trundleben.
NEEKS
He ’ll tell us all about it, Sir Webley. I’m sure he ’ll —
SIR WEBLEY
Ah, Trundleben. Come and sit down here. Come and —
TRUNDLEBEN
Thank you, Sir Webley. I think I will. I don’t walk quite as well as I used, and what with —
SIR WEBLEY
What’s all this we hear about this Mr. Shakespeare, Trundleben?
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, ah, well, yes; yes, indeed. Well, you see, Sir Webley, he was put up for the Club. Mr. Henry put him up.
SIR WEBLEY (disapprovingly)
Oh, Mr. Henry.
NEEKS
Yes, yes, yes. Long hair and all that.
SIR WEBLEY
I’m afraid so.
NEEKS
Writes poetry, I believe.
SIR WEBLEY
I ’m afraid so.
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, then, what does Mr. Newton do but go and second him, and there you are, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, a pretty state of things. Has he — ? Does he — ? What is he?
TRUNDLEBEN
He seems to write, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Oh, he does, does he? What does he write?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, I wrote and asked him that, Sir Webley, and he said plays.
SIR WEBLEY
Plays? Plays? Plays? I’m sure I never heard — What plays?
TRUNDLEBEN
I asked him that, Sir Webley, and he said — he sent me a list (fumbling). Ah, here it is.
He holds it high, far from his face, tilts his head back and looks down his nose through
his glasses.
He says — let me see — ‘Hamelt,’ or ‘Hamlet’: I don’t know how he pronounces it. ‘Hamelt,’ ‘Hamlet’; he spells it H-a-m-l-e-t. If you pronounce it the way one pronounces handle, it would be ‘Hamelt,’ but if —
SIR WEBLEY
What’s it all about?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, I gathered the scene was in Denmark.
NEEKS
Denmark! H’m. Another of those neutrals.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, I would n’t so much mind where the scene of the play was put, if only it was a play one ever had heard of.
NEEKS
But those men who have much to do with neutrals are rather the men — don’t you think, Sir Webley? — who —
SIR WEBLEY
Who want watching. I believe you ’re right, Neeks. And that type of unsuccessful playwright is just the kind of man I always rather —
NEEKS
That’s rather what I feel, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
It would n’t be a bad plan if we told somebody about him.
NEEKS
I think I know just the man, Sir Webley. I ’ll just drop him a line.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes; and if he’s all right, there’s no harm done; but I always suspect that kind of fellow. Well, what else, Trundleben? This is getting interesting.
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, Sir Webley, it’s really very funny; but he sent me a list of the characters in this play of his, ‘Hamelt’; and — and it’s really rather delicious.
NEEKS
Yes?
SIR WEBLEY
Yes? What is it?
TRUNDLEBEN
He’s got a ghost in his play. — He-he, he-he-he! — A ghost. He really has.
SIR WEBLEY
What! Not on the stage?
TRUNDLEBEN
Yes, on the stage.
NEEKS
Well, well, well.
SIR WEBLEY
But that’s absurd.
TRUNDLEBEN
I met Mr. Vass the other day — it was his four hundredth presentation of the ‘ Nighty ’ — and I told him about it. He said that bringing a ghost on the stage was, of course — er — ludicrous.
SIR WEBLEY
What else does he say he’s done?
TRUNDLEBEN
Er — er — there’s an absurdly long list — er — ‘Macbeth.’
SIR WEBLEY
‘Macbeth.’ That’s Irish.
NEEKS
Ah, yes. Abbey Theatre style of thing.
TRUNDLEBEN
I think I heard he offered it them. But of course —
SIR WEBLEY
No, quite so.
TRUNDLEBEN
I gathered it was all rather a — rather a sordid story.
SIR WEBLEY (solemnly)
Ah.
NEEKS,with equal solemnity, wags his head.
TRUNDLEBEN (focusing his list again)
Here’s a very funny one. This is funnier than ‘ Hamlet.’ ‘The Tempest.’ And the stage directions are ‘The sea, with a ship.’
SIR WEBLEY (laughs)
Oh, that’s lovely. That’s really too good. The sea with a ship! And what’s it all about?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, I rather gathered that it was about a magician; and he — he makes a storm.
SIR WEBLEY
He makes a storm. Splendid! On the stage I suppose?
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, yes, on the stage.
SIR WEBLEYand NEEKSlaugh heartily.
NEEKS
He’d — he’d have to be a magician for that, would n’t he?
SIR WEBLEY
Ha, ha! Very good. He’d have to be a magician to do that, Trundleben.
TRUNDLEBEN
Yes, indeed, Sir Webley: indeed he would, Mr. Neeks.
SIR WEBLEY
But that stage direction is priceless. I’d really like to copy that down if you’d let me. What is it? The sea with a ship? It’s the funniest bit of the lot.
TRUNDLEBEN
Yes, that’s it, Sir Webley. Wait a moment; I have it here. The — the whole thing is ‘The sea, with a ship, afterwards an island.’ Very funny indeed.
SIR WEBLEY
Afterwards an island. That’s very good too. Afterwards an island. I’ll put that down also. (He writes.) And what else, Trundleben? What else?
TRUNDLEBENholds out his list again.
TRUNDLEBEN
‘ The Tragedy of — of — King Richard the — the Second.’
SIR WEBLEY
But was his life a tragedy? Was it a tragedy, Neeks?
NEEKS
I — I — well, I’m not quite sure. I really don’t think so. But I ’ll look it up.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, we can look it up.
TRUNDLEBEN
I think it was rather — perhaps rather tragic, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Oh, I don’t say it was n’t. No doubt. No doubt at all. That’s one thing. But to call his whole life a tragedy is — is quite another, what, Neeks?
NEEKS
Oh, quite another.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, certainly, Sir Webley. Tragedy is — er — is a very strong term indeed to — to apply to such a case.
SIR WEBLEY
He was probably out poaching when he should have been learning his history.
TRUNDLEBEN
I’m afraid so, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
And what else, eh? Anything more?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, there are some poems, he says. (Holds up a list.)
SIR WEBLEY
And what are they about?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, there’s one called — Oh, I’d really rather not mention that one; perhaps that had better be left out altogether.
NEEKS
Not—?
SIR WEBLEY
Not quite —
TRUNDLEBEN
No, not at all.
SIR WEBLEYand NEEKS
H’m.
TRUNDLEBEN
Left out altogether. And then there are Sonnets, and and - Venus and Adonis’ — and — and — ‘The Phœnix and the Turtle.’
SIR WEBLEY
The Phœnix and the what?
TRUNDLEBEN
The Turtle.
SIR WEBLEY
Oh. Go on.
TRUNDLEBEN
One called, ‘The Passionate Pilgrim’; another, ‘A Lover’s Complaint.’
SIR WEBLEY
I think the whole thing’s very regrettable.
NEEKS
I think so too, Sir Webley.
TRUNDLEBEN (mournfully)
And there’ve been no poets since poor Browning died; none at all. It’s absurd for him to call himself a poet.
NEEKS
Quite so, Trundleben, quite so.
SIR WEBLEY
And all these plays. What does he mean by calling them plays? They’ve never been acted.
TRUNDLEBEN
Well — er — no, not exactly acted, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
What do you mean by not exactly, Trundleben?
TRUNDLEBEN
Well, I believe they were acted in America, though, of course, not in London.
SIR WEBLEY
In America! What’s that got to do with it? America? Why, that’s the other side of the Atlantic.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, yes, Sir Webley, I — I quite agree with you.
SIR WEBLEY
America! I dare say they did. I dare say they did act them. But that does n’t make him a suitable member for the Olympus. Quite the contrary.
NEEKS
Oh, quite the contrary.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, certainly, Sir Webley, certainly.
SIR WEBLEY
I daresay ‘Macbeth’ would be the sort of thing that would appeal to IrishAmericans. Just the sort of thing.
TRUNDLEBEN
Very likely, Sir Webley, I’m sure.
SIR WEBLEY
Their game laws are very lax, I believe, over there. They probably took to him on account of his being a poacher.
TRUNDLEBEN
I’ve no doubt of it, Sir Webley. Very likely.
NEEKS
I expect that was just it.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, now, Trundleben, are we to ask the Olympus to elect a man who ’ll come in here with his pockets bulging with rabbits?
NEEKS
Rabbits and hares too.
SIR WEBLEY
And venison even, if you come to that.
TRUNDLEBEN
Yes, indeed, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Thank God! the Olympus can get its haunch of venison without having to go to a man like that for it.
NEEKS
Yes, indeed.
TRUNDLEBEN
Indeed, I hope so.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, now, about those plays: I don’t say we’ve absolute proof that the man’s entirely hopeless. We must be sure of our ground.
NEEKS
Yes, quite so.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, I’m afraid, Sir Webley, they’re very bad indeed. There are some quite unfortunate — er — references in them.
SIR WEBLEY
So I should have supposed. So I should have supposed.
NEEKS
Yes, yes, of course.
TRUNDLEBEN
For instance, in that play about that funny ship — I have a list of the characters here — and I’m afraid, well, er — er — you see for yourself. (Hands paper.) You see that is, I am afraid, in very bad taste, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Certainly, Trundleben, certainly. Very bad indeed.
NEEKS (peering)
Er — er — what is it, Sir Webley?
SIR WEBLEY (pointing)
That, you see.
NEEKS
A — a drunken butler! But most regrettable.
SIR WEBLEY
A very deserving class. A — a quite gratuitous slight. I don’t say you might n’t see one drunken butler —
TRUNDLEBEN
Quite so.
NEEKS
Yes, of course.
SIR WEBLEY
But to put it baldly on a programme like that is practically tantamount to implying that all butlers are drunken.
TRUNDLEBEN
Which is by no means true.
SIR WEBLEY
There would naturally be a protest of some sort, and to have a member of the Olympus mixed up with a controversy like that would be — er — naturally — er — most —
TRUNDLEBEN
Yes, of course, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
And then, of course, if he does a thing like that once —
NEEKS
There are probably other lapses just as deplorable.
TRUNDLEBEN
I have n’t gone through his whole list, Sir Webley. I often feel about these modern writers that perhaps the less one looks the less one will find that might be — er —
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, quite so.
NEEKS
That is certainly true.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, we can’t wade all through his list of characters to see if they are all suitable to be represented on a stage.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, no, Sir Webley, quite impossible; there are — there are, I might say, hundreds of them.
SIR WEBLEY
Good gracious! He must have been wasting his time a great deal.
TRUNDLEBEN
Oh, a great deal, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
But we shall have to go further into this. We can’t have —
NEEKS
I see Mr. Gleek sitting over there, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Why, yes, yes, so he is.
NEEKS
The Banner and Evening Gazette would know all about him, if there’s anything to know.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, of course they would.
NEEKS
If we were to ask him.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, Trundleben, you may leave it to us. Mr. Neeks and I will talk it all over and see what’s to be done.
TRUNDLEBEN
Thank you, Sir Webley. I’m really very sorry it all happened, very sorry indeed.
SIR WEBLEY
Very well, Trundleben, we ’ll see what’s to be done. If nothing’s known of him and his plays, you ’ll have to write and request him to withdraw his candidature. But we ’ll see, we ’ll see.
TRUNDLEBEN
Thank you, Sir Webley. I’m sure I’m very sorry it all occurred. Thank you, Mr. Neeks.
Exit TRUNDLEBEN,waddling slowly a way.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, Neeks, that’s what it will have to be. If nothing whatever’s known of him, we can’t have him putting up for the Olympus.
NEEKS
Quite so, Sir Webley. I ’ll call Mr. Gleek’s attention.
He begins to rise, hopefully looking Gleekwards, when JERGINScomes between him and MR. GLEEK;he has come to take away the coffee.
SIR WEBLEY
Times are changing, Jergins.
JERGINS
I’m afraid so, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Changing fast, and new members putting up for the Club.
JERGINS
Yes, I’m afraid so, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
You notice it too, Jergins ?
JERGINS
Yes, Sir Webley; it’s come all of a sudden. Only last week I saw —
SIR WEBLEY
Well, Jergins?
JERGINS
I saw Lord Pondleburrow wearing a—
SIR WEBLEY
Wearing what, Jergins?
JERGINS
Wearing one of those billycock hats, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, well, I suppose they’ve got to change; but not at that rate.
JERGINS
No, Sir Webley.
Exit, shaking his head as he goes.
SIR WEBLEY
Well, we must find out about this fellow.
NEEKS
Yes. I’ll call Mr. Gleek’s attention. He knows all about that sort of thing.
SIR WEBLEY
Yes, yes. Just —
NEEKS rises and goes some of the way toward GLEEK’S chair.
NEEKS
Er — er —
GLEEK (looking round)
Yes?
SIR WEBLEY
Do you know anything of a man called Mr. William Shakespeare?
GLEEK (looking over his pince-nez)
No.
He shakes his head several times and returns to his paper.
CURTAIN