Canada will lose one of her own as soon as Ted Cruz and his legal counsel get around to renouncing his Canadian citizenship. But Canada will not mourn her lost son. Instead, the nation's media is offering its advice and having a laugh. Not that Cruz will get many of their jokes: he only lived in Canada for four years and probably does not know who Chris Alexander is or watched many Murdoch Mysteries episodes.
But on the off chance that he does (and then reads this article), we decided to breakdown all the Canada-specific references in the many articles wishing him good bye, good luck and good riddance, so he'll understand just how much they're making fun of him.
Kelly McParland at The National Post : "Chris Alexander, It’s Time to Free Ted Cruz"
I hope Immigration Minister Chris Alexander had a pleasant and relaxing holiday season. Now that it’s over, I’d like to suggest he get to work expediting the Ted Cruz file.
Alexander has been the Immigration Minister since 2011 and, like Cruz, has two kids.
Alberta is a great place ... A British newspaper just identified it as among the world’s ten best places to visit (on a day when the high in Fort McMurray was -9C).
That's 15.8 degrees fahrenheit.
Drinking milk poured from a plastic bag? That’s over for you, buster.
Nelson Mandela never complained about being made a Canadian citizen, but he was once a communist too (just ask Rob Anders), so it’s no wonder that Mr. Cruz would want to put as much distance as possible between us and him.
Rob Anders is a pro-life social conservative who once called Mandela a terrorist, according to CTV News. He also compared the 2008 Beijing Olympics to the 1936 Berlin Games because he really, really doesn't like China.
Gerry Flahive at The Globe and Mail : "It’s Not Us, Ted Cruz, It’s You"
Second, you will have to spend, say, 30 to 40 minutes removing the Canadian flags from your backpacks.
This is one reason Flahive gives to half heartedly convince Cruz to keep his Canadian citizenship. For whatever reason, Canadians are worried about being mistaken for Americans when they travel. So much so that they sew Canadian flags on their bags so everyone's on the same page. "Wandering Canadian Baby Boomers and Gen-Xers of yesteryear knew that travelling around the globe was a lot easier for us than it was for our American brethren," Paul Orlowski wrote on Rabble. "Many of us who travelled around other countries considered it wise to sew a Canadian flag on our backpacks and show it prominently." Ted Cruz probably wouldn't understand being embarrassed to be an American.
You will probably have to pay some sort of onerous satellite/cable fee to be able to watch Murdoch Mysteries with the original Canadian commercials.
Another reason to stay Canadian. Murdoch Mysteries is a show about a Victorian police officer who likes science. It seems pretty dark.
You will be digitally removed from that Sidney Crosby/Tim Hortons commercial. No, the other one. Well, all of them.
Tim Hortons is like an upscale Dunkin' Donuts named after a famous Canadian hockey player who died in 1974. There are a few in the northeastern part of the US, but it's primarily a Canada thing. Sidney Crosby is another hockey player, who is still alive. Cruz isn't actually in any Tim Hortons ads, but here's one that's super Canadian to give you an idea of what we're missing out on:
David Climenhaga at Rabble.ca : "Ted Cruz: For God (and Country's) Sake: Talk to Conrad Black Before You Shred Your Canadian Passport!"
It's said here that Calgary native Ted Cruise [sic] needs to make an appointment to have a serious chat with Conrad Black before he makes any rash and irrevocable decisions to run his Canadian passport through the shredder.
Before there was Ted Cruz, there was Conrad Black, a former media magnate and current National Post contributor. Queen Elizabeth offered to make Black a Baron in 2001, but Canada's prime minister thought it would be inappropriate for a Canadian to accept a British peerage. As one does when the Queen beckons, Black very publicly renounced his Canadian citizenship. Less than a decade he was sent to a Florida prison for fraud and, after being released on bail, tried to re-enter Canada as a convicted criminal. That didn't work out. If Cruz takes to heart one "Canada won't miss you" piece it should be this one. You never know when you're going to be stuck in a Florida jail, wishing you were sitting in a Tim Hortons in Fort McMurray.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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