Amid all of the very real threats of war and stuff from North Korea, you'd think American intelligence officers want as much video footage of the enemy as possible. Well, here is one video featuring North Korean exercises and Kim Jong-Un holding a gun, and we'll say this: they certainly get points for presentation.
Remember the clap-happy report from Dennis Rodman's diplomatic basketball vacation? This video comes courtesy of the same Youtube channel that gave us that Rodman video. It appears to be the same state news channel.
This latest dispatch from North Korea's state television features some kind of military demonstration put on for Kim Jong-Un, complete with a wonderful soundtrack. The leader surveyed his highly-trained, deadly team of martial artists and sharp shooters ahead of trying to provoke a response from either South Korea or the U.S. He even showed some of a group of his military commanders and advisers how to shoot a gun. And this, folks, is what we're up against. Let's take a closer look at what this video shows us.
First, we get a glimpse of the very organized, in sync, North Korean military doing what appear to be dance steps. Their form is strong and they're clearly working as a unit. This looks like they've put in a lot of time at rehearsals, and it's paying off. They might make sectionals next year.
Here's a much closer look of their furious dance moves. Their high kicks and are impressively high, though that one guy needs to remember to keep his leg straight. Form is important, guys. The judges are watching. Their punches pack a lot of, well, punch, so they have that going for them. They have a lot of flair.
The North Korean military is also very excited for Wrestlemania this weekend. Here, we see four soldiers demonstrating their wrestling prowess. On the left, one soldier performs a fireman's carry suplex and appears to kill his victim. He then jumps backward and takes a "bump" himself for good measure. Maybe he was trying to do a "People's Elbow" like his idol and this weekend's headliner, The Rock. We have watched this GIF probably 50 times and cannot figure out why he jumps backwards. It will keep us up at night. Because it's hilarious. On the right, one soldier ducks a punch to perform a belly-to-back suplex. Any collegiate wrestler would tell you his form needs work, though. Ge gets an assisst from his dance partner jumping into it. It looks like the jumper lands on his head, which isn't safe, and would be called a "botch" if performed in the ring.
We cannot figure out a practical application for this flipping manoeuvre on the battlefield but it is undeniably fierce. That roll out is so smooth, so well executed. You can't hate on this.
"OK, this is the part where you play dead. Ready, set, go." They almost invoke memories of the putty patrol from Might Morphin' Power Rangers.
At this point the video gets kind of boring. Un goes to a shooting range with some guys in funny hats. He watches soldiers fire at long range targets and then goes to inspect the results. Unsurprisingly, they only hit the center of the target. We're all doomed, if you haven't figured that out already. For good measure, Un also inexplicably starts brandishing a handgun. It's a little worrisome, because he haphazardly points it in the direction of his friends a few times. Hopefully the safety is on. Because Un is the smartest, most badass and most dangerous man in every room, he decides to show his travelling party the proper way to point the gun at American scum. "This is how you kill the American scum dead," he's telling them in this GIF
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.