Gwyneth's Dress Was Barely a Dress

Today in celebrity news: Gwyneth Paltrow wore an interesting gown, as did the Duchess of Cambridge, and Justin Bieber is acting up. 

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Hatchi matchi! On the same day that she was named People magazine's most beautiful woman in the world, besting 20-year-old housekeeper Catarina Azevedo of Alcobaça, Brazil and 31-year-old Ganzhou, China factory employee Zeng Yuanyuan, American actress Gwyneth Paltrow stepped out for the Los Angeles premiere of Iron Man 3 in quite the garment. As architectural as one of Iron Man's suits, which I suppose was the point, the Frederick's of Hollywood Antonio Berardi dress featured sheer mesh panels on each side, revealing much of Paltrow's famous figure. It was a brilliant way to show the world who's boss, firmly asserting her position as the most beautiful woman, lest any of the other 3.5 billion ladies get any big ideas. After the premiere, Paltrow fired the dress's rocket thrusters and flew back home to London, where she drew a picture of a rice cake and stared at it for a few hours before going to bed. [Daily Mail]
The 17th most beautiful woman in the world, Duchess Kate of Cambridge, also stepped out yesterday in a comely frock, she for an event at the National Portrait Gallery in London. Looking elegant in the ice-blue peasant skin Emilia Wickstead dress, Kate delicately both hid and hinted at her much-studied baby bump. Somewhere in that torso of hers lies the future of England, but she's not going to let you get too good a look at it. That wouldn't be proper. The event was for some sort of charity that helps children through art, and Kate gave a short speech, saying, "I am a firm believer in the power of art to make a difference and The Art Room makes this on a daily basis." Everyone clapped politely and she shook a few hands before getting in her carriage and making her way back to the castle. When home, Kate immediately removed the pregnancy bump lashed to her waist, lit a Dunhill and walked into her husband's study, saying "Buncha bleedin' poofs over there, prattlin' about art. Now, who's got a nice big scepter for 'is queen?" [Us Weekly]

A man who was pushing a cellphone in Edward Norton's face on the street is now saying that the actor harassed him, after Norton pushed him away and supposedly injured the man's finger. Which... I mean, has this guy heard of Edward Norton? He is not exactly at the top of the list of friendly-sounding celebrities. Not a lot of stories coming out about how nice Edward Norton is. When he made The Incredible Hulk he was very in character, if you get my drift. So what did this guy expect? The nicest person in the world would probably react a little strongly if some stranger came up to them on a New York City street and shoved a cellphone in their face, so obviously Edward Norton is not going to react well. I suppose I'm giving this guy what he wants by even mentioning this story, but what can you do. Guy's a jerk! And jerks get swatted by Edward Norton. That's what happens. [Page Six]

Uh ohhhh. More reports of Justinius Bieberus, emperor of girltown, behaving like a divo. The kid was in Copenhagen this weekend for a concert, and behaved badly twice in one day. First he was six hours late to a scheduled photo shoot for Elizabeth Arden cosmetics, because what woman wouldn't buy a Ceramide Lift and Firm Concealer endorsed by Justin Bieber. He had no excuse for showing up late and when he finally arrived he refused to wear the costume provided. Apparently it was a bellboy cap. Which... OK, he might have a point there. Why would he wear a bellboy cap to promote Elizabeth Arden? That doesn't make much sense. But, yes, still, he shouldn't have behaved so rudely. And then he started his concert an hour and a half late because he was playing a ping-pong game with a dancer and was too into it to stop. He knew he was running late, but he didn't care. He just wanted to play ping-pong with that dancer. Wait, is that a euphemism? Am I being naive here? Or was Justin Bieber really just playing ping-pong with that dancer? Whatever the case, he started his concert super late, just as he did in London a little while back, meaning we could have a pattern of bad behavior on our hands. Not good, Justin! Not good at all. First you're late for your concerts and then you're knocking up a minor while on meth. Well, OK, that might be a bit extreme. Uh, first you're late for your concerts and then you're... passing out drunk under the mechanical bull at the Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Which is pretty bad! So, stop it, kiddo. Get your act together. No one needs another bad boy or another story about a child star gone wrong. We're sick of those. If you don't want to do the gigs anymore then don't do the gigs. You're rich enough. But don't waste other people's time like that. You're still young enough to be called a brat. [Radar, via Jezebel]

For anyone who still cares about Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen Rossi and "Slade" Smiley are engaged, after Gretchen proposed to him. I put "Slade" in quotation marks because there is no way that a 45-year-old man's actual birth name is Slade. That is clearly a made-up thing and his real name is Doug or something. It's important to note that whenever we discuss Mr. Smiley. Anyway, this was all part of the show, by the way. Yeah they were filming a scene, so who knows how real it is. Gretchen's been engaged about a billion times, and Doug has been married to like five of the other Housewives, so this could very easily mean nothing. But in case it does mean something, congratulations. Not to them, to the women who frequent the bar at the P.F. Chang's in Mission Viejo, who now won't be bothered by "Slade" for a few months while he lays low with this whole engagement story. That's really good news for those gals. And believe you me, they ain't had any good news in a long, long time. [Us Weekly]

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