AUTHOR: Bradley Burston of Ha'aretz
THESIS: If the Messiah, who's arrival is prophecised by Jewish scripture, showed up in Israel today, he would be treated as a criminal and threat by the Israeli government and political conservatives.
GOVT'S REACTION: Burston says the Messiah will be locked up and "questioned by a junior officer of the Shin Bet."
CLERGY'S REACTION: Burston says "chief rabbis" will "brand him disloyal, diseased, Reform" and "an existential threat to the essential Jewish character of the state."
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANYONE SPECIFIC IN MIND, WOULD YOU? "A blogger from Commentary will call him a whiny, petulant boob."
YES, FOX NEWS IS INVOLVED: "The Republican Jewish Coalition, Fox News, The Zionist Organization of America and Daniel Pipes, will launch a campaign aimed at exposing the Messiah as a Muslim."
HOW WILL THE WORLD KNOW? Will be reported by "a blog in Seattle."
ULTIMATE FATE: Deported to Chad but "thrilled to go."
ELABORATE PREDICTION ABOUT MESSIAH DONKEY THEFT:
His donkey, which is white and is named Snowpea, will be impounded in a leaky underground police lot near the Lod railroad station. There will be no paperwork. By nightfall it will have disappeared, spirited into a closed truck by the lot's watchman, who after his shift will drive the donkey to a moshav. Money will change hands, and the donkey as well, four times, until it is sold by settlers to Palestinians some of whose ancestral land now lies inside the settlement fence.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.