1. The Corpse of That Horse-Ostrich Thing Luke Skywalker Gets Shoved Into
Coming in at just slightly less sanitary than a restaurant tent, the steaming carcass of any megafauna will do. Meet up with friends, hop into the freshly dead warmth of what will later become someone else’s entrée, and just vibe.
2. A Very Large Wardian Case
Have you ever wanted to go to town on a skirt steak while feeling like a tomato plant? This Victorian precursor to the terrarium—an orangery writ small, to the inexpert—is a fancy little greenhouse made of glazed glass. Wardians were originally designed to keep delicate orchids alive on long sea voyages, and we’re delicate flowers, aren’t we? Can’t go three months without squid-ink risotto? Get in there, you precious little orchid. And start exuding what’s clearly first-date energy to let passersby know this plague isn’t that serious.
3. A Big Feedbag, Strapped Over Everyone’s Face. Plus a Blanket Draped Over You Like a Real Horse in Winter.
Don’t tell me you’ve never looked at a horse and yearned to be that cared for. Sneaking a bite of your friend’s tempura cauliflower has never been so easy. Or try that stranger’s al pastor taco, which you regret not ordering. This combines the concepts of a feedbag, a trough, and those old group urinals you used to see at stadiums. You and a friend sit outside, preferably by some sort of post, and the server straps one long feedbag over everyone’s face. Your breath even keeps the food warm. You haven’t seen Jerry in months. Now you see his pores.
4. A Literal Body Bag
If you’re anything like me, you probably think body bags get unfairly pigeonholed. A bag that shape can be used for lots of stuff! Storing snowboards, mannequins—even bodies that are alive. So yeah, you and a friend or two get inside the bag and go at your potato skins and fajitas like a pack of cane corsos.
5. A Hockey Penalty Box
Plexiglass walls, a nice little bench—it’s almost weird that we haven’t been eating in these things. The dank scent of tape glue and remorse sweat is perfect for experiencing a vague sense that you’ve done something wrong and let your team down but that you don’t feel too bad about. So it’s perfect.
Okay, but pretend you didn’t know what these structures were. Like, you just had no associations with them. One day you see a neat row of these pretty, load-bearing plastic ice-fishing huts lining the sidewalk in front of your favorite eatery. I mean, yum, right?! Pull open that spring-loaded door for an embarrassment of sanitation riches: a hand-sanitizer dispenser already installed, a whole roll of napkins, some sort of slop sink. The seating’s even got its center cut out for comfort, like a fancy bike seat. There’s also a weird plastic mirror and transgressive wall art. The only problem is these things might be a little too ventilated.