What's Going On With Trump's Sniffling?

If this were Clinton, wild speculation would abound.

Carlos Barria / Reuters

At the first presidential debate last night, Donald Trump sniffed audibly several times.

Here is a compilation, composed by some patient people at Slate:

Some consider this “breathing.” Others hear something more.

Over the course of this election cycle, pundits have breached all standards with regard to conjecture about the bodies of the candidates and their functionality. Some took Hillary Clinton’s coughing fit as proof of imminent peril. A Florida anesthesiologist got millions of YouTube views for claiming to have used “CIA techniques” to diagnose her with “advanced neurodegenerative disease.”

Donald Trump himself has said that Clinton “lacks the mental and physical stamina to take on ISIS.” As she worked despite pneumonia, he said with an eyebrow raised, “something’s going on.”

In that spirit, the likelihood that Trump’s sniffs are caused by some sort of “cold” or “allergies” warrants close examination.

Seems a little obvious, don’t you think?

Let’s talk seriously about cocaine. I wrote that as a joke before learning that Howard Dean wrote it on Twitter last night, not obviously as a joke, but probably as a joke: “Notice Trump sniffing all the time. Coke user?”

Cocaine has been referred to as the caviar of street drugs. Trump enjoys caviar. He had heaps of it at his wedding, spooned out as one attendee described it “much like oatmeal would be.”

Cocaine would also give someone a grand sense of self. It would give someone sexual potency, which Trump has assured us he has. It would give a 70-year-old man boundless energy and the confidence that he could fulfill the duties of the highest office in the land despite having no experience in any public office.

Ring any bells? And now he’s sniffing? A little too convenient, don’t you think? These are just medical facts, you can look them up. Maybe Dean knows something we don’t. Follow the money. Follow the money.

I also have not failed to consider that many of Trump’s behavioral patterns are consistent with those of a high-functioning speed (amphetamine) user—one who uses in a capacity somewhere between the legitimized label “ADHD” and performance-enhancing Ivy league MBA students. Trump attended Wharton. Trump sleeps little and boasts about never wanting for energy, despite getting little exercise and eating poorly (by his own admission). Though that could also be the result of the cocaine.

Or these patterns of behavior could be innate, a product of the neurochemical milieu in this particular person’s brain.

Would that be better?

Oh also, sometimes people inhale audibly when they are angry or nervous.