Previously: "Answers to Every Possible Thanksgiving Health Question, 2013." This year, some of the questions are real.
Does turkey really make you sleepy, or does that just happen because we're all fatties and eat too much at Thanksgiving dinner? —Delaney Chambers, Washington, DC
Overeating and boredom and a paradoxical response to stress lead to sleep. The turkey-tryptophan story is one of the greatest lies ever in all of history.
What's all this about spatchcocking? —Sam Wells, Flint, MI
It lets you cook a turkey in 45 minutes, and all you have to do is remove the spine. Why is anyone not doing this? Spatchcocking got really popular in 2012, but it's been around a lot longer.
What's a good recipe for pumpkin pie if I'm on the Paleo diet? —Chet Woodhaul, Hammond, IN
None. You either eat like a real caveperson or you eat pumpkin pie, but you don't get to do both. Not this time.
I feel bad that turkeys can't have sex, should I go "heritage"? —Bourree Lam, New York, NY
Backing up for a minute just so everyone's on the same page: Most turkeys are products of artificial insemination, but heritage turkeys are the product of good old-fashioned turkey sex. The drawback is that they cost as much as $200. It's like I always say, if I had $200 to spend on a turkey ... I forget how the rest goes. The point is, how much do you care about the bird intercourse? Thanksgiving is nothing if not a time for reevaluating priorities.
How much turkey do I have to consume to absorb the drinks I need to survive Thanksgiving, and not get "too drunk"? —Tanvi Misra, Washington, DC
The protein and fat in turkey will slow the absorption of alcohol more than carbs will. You could also just drink less and eat less? But then! It wouldn't be a holiday, now, would it. [Cackles]
If I eat my Thanksgiving meal over the course of two hours instead of 10 minutes, is that healthier? Will I gain less weight and have fewer heart attacks? —Alana Semuels, New York, NY
Yes. If you eat more slowly you'll probably eat less. How many heart attacks are you having right now?
Has your stance on Tofurkey changed? I know the company sent you a big box of Tofurkey after you made fun of their name last year. —Steve Perkiss, Hillsboro, KY
It's just such a terrible word. I really can't eat it without telling like 10 people "I had Tofurkey for lunch" and then laughing like a weirdo. Hearing that demon word come out of my own mouth just shakes my whole sense of who I am as a person, my sense of ease and safety in my own body. But it's actually not terrible stuff.
For purposes of plate balancing, pumpkin pie counts as a vegetable, right? —Carl Johnson, Washington, DC
Are there any health concerns I should be aware of when my children cover every one of their fingers with black olives? —Alan Taylor, Boston, MA
Only the health concern of that being too adorable! And the possible development of another serious health condition I won't get into here.
If you accidentally forget to remove the plastic bag filled with giblets from inside your turkey, and cook the whole thing, will the toxic plastic fumes ruin the whole bird, or can a simple airing-out make things both palatable and healthy? —Alan Taylor, Boston, MA
This one I looked up before: According to the FDA, if you forget to take out the bag of giblets, and it melts "or changes shape in any way," you shouldn't eat the turkey. I got a sort of similar question from Rose, too:
The best part of green bean casserole is the strange mini-onion-ring topping. How unhealthy is that part of the casserole, or is it balanced out (along with the cream of mushroom soup) by the massing of green beans? Also, what a weird dish, when you think about it. —Alan Taylor, Boston, MA
Alan, I love your questions. Next year let's do the whole thing between you and me. You can do the answers, too. I'll just watch. Okay, so, the green beans in green bean casserole never did anything for anyone. If the topping is your favorite part, just make sure you sit close to the casserole and then scrape off a few big spoonfuls before you pass it.
You know I am pro skin, even gravy-filled skin bowls. I thought my town was the only one with a Turkey Trot! I didn't know that was a thing. Yes, that's how exercise and food work.
I object to the term "Turkey Trot." I can barely run, and I can't have sex. —A. Turkey, One of the giant farms
I'll never use it again.
Why does cranberry sauce come in a can shape? —Emma Green, Washington, DC
The can is for can do.
The night before Thanksgiving, everyone I grew up with with gets together in my home town at Rickky C's, the bar in the strip mall. Last year we stayed out until Rickky C's closed at 1:00 a.m., just talking about old stories. I French kissed my high-school sweetheart Sharon. How should I act around her this year? She's married now and with child, but I may still have feelings for her. I'd hate it if she ever found out about this, but I actually wrote her a song on my guitar. Dumb, I know. I'm just that way. But I kind of want to do a Wedding Singer type thing and actually play the song for her. Just bust out my guitar and start singing in the middle of Rickky C's. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? —Rappaport Hughes, New Brunswick, Maine
I say go for it.
My grandma doesn't like onions, and swears she can detect even one shard of onion in any given dish and will not eat it if she does. Every good recipe contains onions, though. Do I peacefully resign myself to a more bland Thanksgiving, out of love for my grandma? —Julie Beck, Washington, DC
Go to Alan's house!
Restroom Hand Dryers Spread More Germs Than Paper Towels, Study Finds? —HealthDay
Someone has been stealing my pies again. It's lonely up here, and I have psoriasis from the politicians, and now my pies are gone? Give me a break. I suspect the Billson child. —Olitavia Broomswick, Nebville, AL
I'm so sorry this is happening again.
It's actually terrible for digestion. Your bowels are just an extension of your brain. Good luck!