How Gay Is Your Food?

The New York Times with the help of Barney's creative ambassador Simon Doonan has decided this week that your food can be gay or straight. Apparently, a "gay" food isn't just a potato that seeks marriage equality, reminds you it was born this way, or owns a summer share on Fire Island. According to Doonan, his new (satirical) book Gay Men Don't Get Fat and his interview with The Times, gay food is lighter, brighter, more artistic, art-directed -- food that you'd find where health and aesthetics intersect (and that's very different than what Doonan labels "lesbian food" -- "Organic olive oil, thick porridge, heaping helpings of wheat germ," and its ilk). "I love sweeping generalizations," Doonan told The Times. "Sweeping generalizations are the key to everything, and they invariably contain nuggets of truth. Sometimes infinitesimally small nuggets." We enjoyed Doonan's sweeping gay food generalizations so we put them to the unscientific, anecdotal test, assigned them a respective Kinsey rating and came up with your (completely unscientific) guide to the sexuality of food, from gayest to straightest:

What it is: Sushi; Sashimi; Crudo; Seafood Tartare; Ceviche
What Doonan Says: "Japanese food -- that is some seriously gay food ... I've been to restaurants in Japan where they bring out a watermelon in its entirety and they open it up and inside it's full of ice and one little pink piece of sushi in the middle. Basically, you're taking sloppy bits of fish and making them into these exquisite little bonbons, and that seems inordinately gay to me."
What Kinsey Says: The Kinsey 6 is "exclusively homosexual"
What We Say: That sort of makes sense. You'd only eat this food in a restaurant serving an assortment Doonan's other gay foods, whether it's an appetizer at an Italian restaurant or a main at a Japanese restaurant -- the place probably serves lighter, stylized fare on stunning, perhaps over-worked plates.
The Outlier: Spicy Mayo Anything Rolls; Supermarket Sushi; Any roll with more than three ingredients or one fried object

What it is: Macarons 
What Doonan Says: "The macaron craze is the ne plus ultra of gay fooderie. I can't believe any red-blooded straight guy can even walk into a macaron shop. If you wanted to ruin a politician's career, just publish a picture of him shopping for macarons."
What Kinsey Says: The Kinsey 5 is "predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual"
What We Say: Though they look like colorful cheeseburgers, yes, all it takes is an "incidental" run-in with Cool Whip to ruin that gay credibility. But that little macaron shop Doonan's talking about wouldn't even carry the stuff. 
The Outlier:  Please don't confuse this with the 3-4 Kinsey-scoring Macaroon. 

Read the full story at The Atlantic Wire.